


Me, Myself, and Isa

by radovanryn



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort Sex, Complicated Relationships, Internal Conflict, M/M, Porn With Plot, Rough Sex, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2020-09-26 12:50:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20389981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radovanryn/pseuds/radovanryn
Summary: [Post KH3] After a decade as Nobodies, Lea and Isa eagerly rekindle their relationship. However, when an unexpected ghost from the past reappears in Lea’s heart, everything begins to fall apart. A journey of self-discovery, reconciliation, and Axel being, well, Axel.





	1. a heart's desire

**Author's Note:**

> This story represents my take on the Axel/Lea plothole from DDD/KH3, aka why was Lea able to use his chakrams and the dark corridors when Ienzo said the former Nobodies lost those abilities? This story _also_ is an excuse to write akuleaisa, aka the holy trinity of KH threesomes (in my humble opinion, that is).

It was a calm, quiet night that found Lea and Isa nestled close together on their sofa-bed, making out instead of watching whatever silly romantic comedy Lea had put on. Both Roxas and Xion were out of the house at a sleepover, and the pair were taking advantage of that. Isa had already let the back of the futon down so that he could press his lover into the thick material, Lea’s knees locked around Isa’s hips, softly grinding up. Their lips and tongues tangled together, a string of kisses only interrupted by sporadic moans. Isa let one hand slowly trail down the redhead’s side to slip underneath the thin sleeping shirt Lea wore; both men hissed at the delicate sensation of fingers on heated skin.

_This_, the sense of being loved and loving in return, was more than Lea could have ever wanted. And yet, he felt restless. Unsatisfied, almost. Lea tried to ignore the feeling, focusing instead on how Isa’s hair felt threaded through his fingers. He pulled instinctively, and Isa drew back with a soft groan.

“You’re pulling too hard,” he whispered, teal eyes narrowed slightly. Lea frowned as he felt that vague sense of frustration return.

“Sorry,” he apologized, coaxing Isa back down to kiss him again. Still, Lea was distracted. Since Isa’s recompletion, the pair had gone to great lengths to rediscover one another as lovers. Lea had been fifteen when he’d had his heart stolen—Isa, sixteen—well before their physical relationship had gone beyond kissing and heavy petting. After some initial awkwardness, they’d dedicated themselves to learning what each other desired, craved, and wanted. For instance, Lea preferred to be penetrated, whereas Isa got off on being needed. It was as if they were apprentices again, however Lea enjoyed _these_ experiments much more than the old days.

But then, why was he feeling so… unfulfilled?

Isa pulled off again and glared at his boyfriend. “If you’d rather we stop, you just have to say so,” he said, sounding slightly hurt. “I wouldn’t want to bore you.”

“It’s not that, I—” Lea groaned, extracting his fingers from Isa’s hair to run a hand down his flushed face. “I don’t know what’s _wrong_ with me. Sorry,” he added. Thankfully, Isa’s glare softened as he drew Lea’s hand back so that they both cupped the redhead’s cheek. Excessive apologies had become a bad habit for Lea, especially when he was stressed about something.

Isa pressed a soft kiss to Lea’s brow. “What does your heart say?” he asked. A decade without hearts left both men unused to deciphering their emotional needs. As such, it had become habitual for Isa to check in with Lea, and vice versa.

Lea’s eyes slipped shut as he forced his breathing to slow. Being a keyblade wielder helped a bit, but more often than not Lea still felt as though his heart… _resisted_ him sometimes. It took focus to feel the reassuring _thump-thump-thump_ and, beyond that, the emotional bonds that made up his heart. The frustration flared, however this time it took direction: _get him under you._

In a practiced move, Lea used his hold and Isa’s unpreparedness to reverse their positions. The sight of Isa splayed out beneath him, disheveled and _hard_, sent a thrill through Lea. “I want—” he said, mouth watering as his heart whispered its desires, “—I want to taste you, Isa.”

“_Lea_,” Isa moaned, hips instinctively grinding against his partner. “I-if you’re sure…”

“I am.” With a parting kiss, Lea slid down Isa’s body. He let his heart dictate his actions, rucking Isa’s shirt up to press hard, suckling kisses to the blue-haired man’s chest. Lea felt Isa’s heart pounding under his lips, sending a thrill of sensation racing down his spine. _He loves this_, a thought occurred to him, _when you’re hungry for him. Like there’s no one else in the world for you but him. _

“Ngh, Lea!” Isa shouted as Lea latched onto a nipple, tongue laving and teeth gently biting. Fingers wove into the redhead’s wild hair to hold him in place. “That’s just... _gods_, that’s good.”

Lea groaned into Isa’s chest. His lover was rarely so vocal. _Keep going, _his heart urged. _Show him how hungry you are. _Lea continued trailing down Isa’s torso, palms and mouth feeling out the faint lines of his abdominals. He dipped his tongue into Isa’s navel, and his boyfriend keened. “Lea, _please_,” he begged, voice gone hoarse from need.

“_Shh_, I’ve got you, baby,” Lea replied which… was odd. He’d never used pet names for Isa before, but the impulse was hard to ignore. _Speaking of hard to ignore—_

Lea eased Isa’s shorts down his hips, the older lifting up to help. The redhead pulled away briefly to look at his boyfriend, and _oh_, it was hot. Isa looked completely undone, shirt gathered up to reveal a chest covered in blooming love bites, exposed cock thick and aching. Lea could feel himself leaking, pre-come no doubt staining the front of his pants. “Fuck, Isa. Just… look at you.”

Isa’s fingers gripped him harder. “_Please_,” he said again, and Lea’s control snapped. He gave himself fully to his heart’s desire, no gentle teasing but rather _devouring_ Isa’s dick, sucking him deep into his mouth. Distantly, Lea felt pain as Isa nearly tore his hair out, but he was too distracted by the feel and taste of his lover to care.

The noises they made were _obscene_, harsh breaths and groans from Isa accompanied by messy slurping. Lea bobbed up and down, hand reaching up to gently fondle Isa’s sack. He was making a mess, but it felt _so good_…

“Go on,” Lea teased, lips _just_ brushing the tip. “Fuck me _like this_, Isa.” Both men shuddered as Lea, once again, wondered just where in hell _that _came from? As if on autopilot, Lea moved his hand to find Isa’s, adjusting him so that both his lover’s hands rested on his head. It felt exciting and new. Lea and Isa had never done _this_ before. Or, hadn’t they?

_(“If you cannot quiet yourself, then I will do it for you.”_

_“That supposed to be a threat, Saïx? Come on, you know I can take it.”)_

Isa moved tentatively, uncertainly as he slowly guided Lea’s head down. Lea’s eyes squeezed shut as memories of a different time, another life, washed over him. _Relax, you can take it. _He… he _could_, gag reflex instinctively ignored so that he could take Isa even deeper, all the way to his base. The small discomforts of his hair being pulled, throat bruising, and lungs protesting for air only heightened his own arousal. Lea moaned around Isa’s cock, the vibrations causing his boyfriend to thrust his hips impulsively.

“Nngh, Lea, I’m close,” Isa warned, pulling the redhead back just to push him down again, this time harder. Lea moaned again, hands braced against the futon on either side of Isa’s hips for leverage as his boyfriend moved him faster and faster, seemingly lost in the sensation of Lea’s mouth. He could _feel_ Isa start to throb against his tongue, breaths speeding up until—“_ohfuck, Lea!_”

Lea greedily swallowed Isa’s release, tongue lapping his slit to coax out any last drops. Smacking sticky lips, Lea pushed himself up to kneel over his trembling lover. His cock _pulsed_, and Lea was quick to pull down his sleep pants just enough to take himself in hand. Shaking hands grabbed him by the hips; Lea moaned at Isa’s staring, jaw dropped from aroused shock.

_Voyeurism kink? _he thought. _Heh, that’s new. _

Wait, what?

Unease met desperate need as Lea fucked his own hand, brow furrowed in confusion. His fingers began to tingle with pins and needles. An unsettling sensation followed as his hands _moved themselves_ without Lea’s conscious effort. _Well? Let’s give him a show._

“Huh—” Lea gasped, before his mouth was filled once again, this time with three of his own fingers. “_Mmmnnn_…” His grip tightened, and Lea couldn’t stop his eyes from closing if he tried. Isa’s hold on his hips tightened.

“_Fuck_,” Isa cursed. “You look _so good_, Lea. You’re so beautiful.” Hearing his boyfriend’s praise helped abate the unnerving disorientation of feeling almost… _distant_ from his own body. Lea moaned against the fingers pumping in and out of his mouth as his hips gave an instinctive thrust. He was close, he was _so close_…

_That’s it_, the thought—no, _a voice_—urged. _Let go, Lea… _

“_Mmph!_” Lea cried as he came, the confused sound muffled by his own fingers. He spilled _everywhere_, his hands, shirt, Isa’s stomach… Lea couldn’t remember the last time he had such an intense orgasm. A deep sense of satisfaction came over him, and the tingling sensation faded.

Beneath him, Isa stared. “I’m not complaining,” his lover said idly, “but where did _that _come from?”

“I— I don’t know,” Lea admitted, lifting his hand to his chest, mindless of the mess. Eyes narrowing, Isa propped himself up.

“Are you alright?” he asked, running a hand along Lea’s side. “You’re shaking,” he added. Lea hadn’t realized, but now that he had… something was wrong. He didn’t feel right. What was _wrong_ with him?

_Don’t know, _the voice returned. _Been wondering about that, myself._

“Wha-?” Lea shook his head, and the odd _distant_ feeling flared again. “Sorry, don’t know what came over me.” Lea looked down, and grimaced at the mess he’d made. “Let me just… go wash up. I’ll be right back.” He gave Isa a quick peck on the lips, although his partner still looked concerned. Once in the bathroom, Lea splashed water onto his face. The cold was jarring, but the unsettling tightness in his chest remained. Blindly grabbing a towel, Lea dried off, then glanced at his reflection in the mirror.

If he could, Lea would have screamed. The mirror reflected a familiar smirk, however it wasn’t _Lea_ that smiled. Lea’s face felt numb, out of his control. A voice, the same one he’d heard earlier, echoed in Lea’s thoughts.

_‘bout damn time you noticed. _

Something _snapped_ and Lea regained control. He screamed and lashed out instinctively. By the time Isa found him, his throat was raw and his hand was bleeding, and pieces of glass from the shattered mirror littered the floor.

They all reflected _Axel_ back at him.


	2. an uninvited guest

Lea fidgeted, his fingers twisting uncomfortably as Riku gently landed the gummiship. Isa sat beside him, back ramrod-straight and entire body tense. No part of Isa was touching Lea; after weeks of casual cuddling, Lea felt incredibly bereft. He’d also say he felt lonely, except—

_He knows we’re not _diseased_, right?_

—well.

Neither Isa nor Lea had visited Radiant Garden since Isa reformed nearly two months prior. Their homeworld held too many painful memories, the castle especially. However, no one could deny that Ansem the Wise’s apprentices were the foremost authority on hearts and Nobodies. Surely, if anyone could explain Axel’s sudden reappearance in Lea’s heart, it would be them.

Ienzo, flanked by Aeleus and Dilan, greeted the trio at the front gate. “Good morning!” Deep inside, Lea felt Axel’s surprise. _Never figured Zexion could sound so… cheerful. Weird._

“He’s Ienzo.” Lea’s automatic response prompted confused looks. He flushed with embarrassment with the realization that he was quite literally talking to himself. “I, um, I mean hi,” he stammered. Both Isa and Riku gave stilted greetings, but thankfully Ienzo ignored their obvious awkwardness.

“Even is waiting for us in the lab,” he replied, nodding to Dilan as Aeleus led the group inside. “We will need to run some tests, of course, but I admit that I’ve been perplexed by this for some time.”

“Meaning…?” Lea asked.

“Since recompleting, none of the former Organization members have been able to summon their Nobody weapons nor use the dark corridors,” Ienzo explained. “Naturally, when Riku and the King said you had managed to do both, I was curious.”

Lea turned to Isa, who was resolutely _not_ looking at him. “But, can’t you still use your claymore?”

“No, I cannot,” Isa replied, clearly uncomfortable. His partner opened his mouth, as if to go on, but nothing more was said. Much like their time in the Organization, Isa’s stern tone effectively ended the conversation. Still, Lea couldn’t help but wonder why Isa hadn’t told him that he could no longer summon Lunatic.

_You weren’t exactly honest with him, either, _Axel added unhelpfully. Lea grit his teeth, silent as the group proceeded to make their way to the labs. That wasn’t _fair_. Lea hadn’t been trying to hide anything from Isa—he hadn’t known _he_ was the exception that proved the rule. Being human again after so long was… disorienting. Lea had assumed his experiences matched everyone else’s.

_Apparently not, _Axel said, mentally shrugging. _Oh joy, it’s Vexen. _

Indeed, there was Even, waiting for them with clipboard in hand. Lea stiffened under the scientist’s calculating gaze. Axel was tense, too.

_You sure about this? _Axel asked, sounding uncertain. Discomfiting as it was to suddenly hear and feel another person inside him, being around Even was more unpleasant. Lea brushed his hand against Isa’s, hoping he’d take the hint, but instead Isa flinched away. Overwhelmed, Lea bit his lip and willed himself not to cry. Why was this happening?

“Axel,” Even said, eyebrow cocked.

Beside him, Isa grumbled, “His name is _Lea_.” Since reforming, Lea doubted he’d heard or seen Isa so upset; he hated that it was because of _him_.

Even was unimpressed. “Hmph,” he scoffed, “_that_ remains to be seen, don’t you think? Isn’t that why you are here?”

Again, Ienzo cut the tension by softly interjecting, “Lea, if you could follow me we will begin the tests.” He smiled disarmingly, although it had the opposite effect on Axel, who shuddered. _I think I prefer Zexion… _Lea sighed, and quietly followed the scientists into a smaller lab. After removing his shirt as instructed, Lea sat on an examination table as Ienzo placed several electrodes and sensors on his chest and temple.

“Master Ansem has developed a method for detecting extra or abnormal presences in a person’s heart,” Ienzo explained. “In fact, this is how we learned that Ventus, Roxas, and Xion continued to exist in Sora’s heart. Thankfully, the process is quick and painless. Please, relax.”

“_Easier said, than done,_” Lea and Axel both replied, causing Lea to recoil sharply. Ienzo looked on with concern, asking if Lea was alright. “I’m fine,” he said, though neither Ienzo nor Even appeared to believe him.

“Yes, well,” Even said, that off-putting dissecting gaze returning, “in the meantime, I should like to ask you a series of questions. Please do answer honestly, otherwise you put the scientific integrity of our findings at risk.” He smiled unkindly. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

_You wouldn’t want me to set you on fire again, would you Vexen? _Axel growled, tiny flames licking at the tips of Lea’s fingers. From the monitors, Ienzo frowned as one of several measurement lines abruptly spiked. Unsure _who_ would respond if he risked opening his mouth, Lea just nodded.

Even cast a quick glance at Ienzo, who nodded, before setting his pen to the clipboard. “Have you experienced any unexplained gaps in your memory since you were recompleted?”

“What, besides the one time I _died_?” Lea sarcastically replied, satisfied to see Even temporarily unsettled by his answer. “No.”

“I see,” Even said slowly. “Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror, and see someone else?”

_Well, not exactly, _Axel said, as Lea’s heart _lurched_. Suddenly, he started to feel too warm in the otherwise-cool lab. “Um, yes? That is—” he fiddled with the bandages Isa had hastily wrapped around his hand the night before. “—Last night, I saw Axel. At least, that’s what it felt like.”

“How so?” Even asked. “As you no doubt recall, in the original Organization Axel was the only member whose appearance deviated at all from their human Other—”

“Until Roxas,” Ienzo interjected.

“—until Roxas, yes,” Even added, annoyed by being interrupted. “While Xigbar and Saïx manifested physical alterations, we have since learned that was merely a byproduct of Xehanort’s influence.” If Even was at all troubled by the fact that he, too, had been altered by _Xehanort’s influence_, he did not show it.

“My— I mean, _Axel’s_ marks weren’t there, if that’s what you mean,” Lea replied, disinclined to reveal how his Nobody’s teardrops originated, how the memory of _Isa_ had tattooed itself onto his being. “I just… knew, is all.”

Even hummed as he made note of Lea’s response. “And, how would you describe your memories from your time as a Nobody? Do they seem as though they happened to you, or to someone else?”

“Huh? They’re _my_ memories,” Lea said. “Right? Don’t tell me you don’t remember being Vexen.”

“Don’t be foolish, of course I retain Vexen’s memories,” Even scoffed. “That is not the same as identifying them as mine. Believe me, were that the case you would know it, _Axel_.”

“That’s enough,” Ienzo cut in. The lab felt unbearably warm, beads of sweat forming on Lea’s brow. Were the lights always _so_ bright? “Even, your language undermines the veracity of your statement. Please, do not make this more difficult for Lea than it must be.”

_Yeah. Wouldn’t want to put the integrity of your scientific findings at risk, would you? _Axel added. For his part, Lea couldn’t speak. His chest hurt, and he felt choked. It was difficult to keep his breathing steady. More than anything, he wanted Isa to be there. _Hey, are you okay? Maybe you should take it easy… I’m not going anywhere. _

“…Lea?” Oh. He’d drifted, and now both Ienzo _and_ Even looked at him worryingly. “The scans are complete. Perhaps you would be more comfortable waiting for the results in the lobby?” Ienzo said. “The findings will be preliminary, of course, but perhaps we will uncover some answers in the data.”

Lea nodded, and peeled the sensors off his chest with trembling hands. He had to concentrate to put his shirt on, feeling oddly detached from himself. The feeling was not unlike the night before when he’d been under Axel’s influence, but strangely enough Lea _knew_ it was not because of Axel that he felt so… floaty.

Lea practically stumbled out of the lab, Isa rushing to his side. “Are you alright?” he asked, hands on Lea’s shoulders, steadying him. “What did they _do_ to you?”

Weakly, Lea replied, “Not much. Ienzo did some sort of scan… thingy, and Even asked me a few questions.” His head was _pounding_, and Lea let his eyes close. “He’s still a giant dick, just in case you were wondering.”

“I had assumed as much,” Isa said wryly. Lea felt cool fingers massage his temples, relieving the throbbing pain. “You’re as pale as a ghost, Lea. Why don’t you sit? If you can, tell me about the scans Ienzo ran.” Lea nodded, and without opening his eyes, let Isa guide him towards the nearest wall.

_At least Xemnas gave us chairs, _Axel complained as Lea slid down to sit on the cold laboratory floor, Isa at his side. Lea _hmm_ed in response, hoping the small noise wouldn’t sound too odd to Isa. After a moment, Lea let his head rest on Isa’s shoulder; thankfully, his boyfriend let him, and even took his injured hand, thumb rubbing over his bandages. “Where’d Riku go?” Lea asked.

“He left to speak to Ansem the Wise about Sora,” Isa replied. “And Aeleus returned to his post at the main gate. Now, tell me what happened in there so I can begin plotting revenge on your behalf.”

Lea chuckled, and turned so that he could press a soft kiss to Isa’s throat. “I promise, it was nothing. _Really_,” he added when his boyfriend stayed conspicuously silent. “Just a couple sensors on my head and chest, I didn’t feel a thing. I think… it was the questions that got to me, is all.”

Isa hesitated, his thumb momentarily pausing before resuming its gentle motion. “Do you... want to talk about it?” he asked, although his lover sounded uncertain whether _he_ wanted Lea to talk about it. In truth, Lea did want to ask Isa about his memories, or if he felt like _Saïx_ sometimes, but Lea figured it’d be best to just let it go.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he said. “Probably just feelin’ off, you know, being back in the castle.” Isa made a soft noise that sounded like agreement. Neither wanted to spend time in the castle if it could be avoided. After all, a lot had changed for Lea—_and_ Axel—in that castle. Lea had died in the labs, _these labs_, the same labs where Axel had been born. Later, Lea had been reborn there, as had Isa. Lea’s anxiety spiked. The room felt too hot again, and the redhead was about to ask Isa if they could take a walk _or something_ when faint footsteps sounded. Lea cracked his eyes open, and there stood Ienzo, several print-outs clutched in his hands. Isa pulled himself up, then turned to help Lea, whose legs trembled lightly.

“Lea told me that you had taken some scans,” Isa said, his arm still wrapped around Lea’s waist. “I assume you have the results?”

“These are the preliminary results, yes. We compared these data to the heart scans taken, _ahem,_” Ienzo cleared his throat. “Well, _before_.” Ah, yes. _Before_. Before Lea and Isa were apprentices. Before the experiments began in earnest. Before his heart had been taken and Axel had been created. “We also compared Lea’s scans with Sora’s to confirm our hypothesis.” Ienzo drew a deep, steadying breath. “Lea, we detected a second heart inside yours.”

Isa’s grip tightened, yet Lea felt strangely calm. After all, he’d suspected as much. “Let me guess: it’s Axel?” he asked. _I could have told you that, _Axel said, but Lea ignored him. Well, _ignored_ him as best as anyone can disregard their innermost thoughts.

Ienzo nodded. “We will need to run further tests to confirm that, but yes, that is our operating assumption. Based on the initial readings, we estimate Axel has been inside Lea’s heart for several months. Or, in other words, since your recompletion.”

“Then, why didn’t I notice him before now?” Lea asked. In addition to his body, Lea’s thoughts had begun to feel strange as well. Hyper-focused, almost. Without Isa physically grounding him, Lea felt certain he’d just… drift off.

“Yes, I _had_ wondered about that,” Ienzo admitted. “However, Even proposed a plausible explanation. We now know that the unusual circumstances that led to Naminé and Roxas’s creation allowed them to develop hearts of their own. Then, Xion. Perhaps it was proximity that allowed Axel to begin growing a heart, too?”

A faint memory—or was it a dream?—came to Lea’s mind. _“You know, I’ve been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas, are you really sure that you don’t have a heart? Is it possible that we _all_ have one? You, me, her… Or is that just wishful thinking?”_

One of Lea’s hands drifted upwards, resting over his racing heart. “I think… Axel knew,” he said. _You knew something was up, too, _Axel chided him. The memories came to Lea with startling clarity. Odd pauses and gaps in his conversations with Kairi in the timeless forest. His reluctance to change from his Organization coat. The confusing, devastating sensation when Xemnas shattered his keyblade—_his heart_—in front of him.

_Call me Axel from now on. Got it memorized?_

“Major brain-ache,” Lea muttered, mostly to himself and—by extension—Axel.

“How do we remove these… traces of Axel’s heart?” Isa asked. Lea frowned as Axel growled, _well, fuck you too, Saïx. Tryin’ to finish the job, or what? _The thick, jagged scar on Lea’s right side ached.

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” Ienzo replied. To Lea, it was as if the world had lost all its color. He could still hear Ienzo’s voice, but it was muffled and distant, like he was hearing him through water. “The replica program taught us that hearts are tightly bound to bodies. Likewise, when Nobodies are recompleted, their original hearts are restored. This case is unique in that both Lea and Axel’s hearts are bound to Lea’s—and Axel’s—body. In essence, they’re one and the same.”

Lea’s head started to feel fuzzy, vision blurring around the edges. “So, what? I’m just supposed to… keep hearing someone else’s thoughts in my head like I’m not going crazy?”

Ienzo looked to Lea guiltily. “Lea, you are not hearing Axel’s thoughts. The growing closeness of your hearts has caused you to begin feeling what Axel does. You will likely continue to experience some disorientation, however soon you will not be able to tell from whose heart a given feeling originated from—”

_Hey, take it easy, _Axel’s voice interrupted the scientist… not that Ienzo would have known. _Breathe, come on. I think you’re gonna—_

The world tilted sideways as the buzzing blurriness hit its crescendo. As he blacked out, Lea felt Isa catch him. _Feels nice… _he thought, although it was uncertain which _he_ it was.


	3. remember me

_(Axel stretched, the pleasant ache that suffused his entire body bringing a wicked grin to his face. Saïx idly toyed with Axel’s blood-red hair, gaze drawn to the false Kingdom Hearts that shone over the World That Never Was. Both had early missions in the morning and ought to have been sleeping, but neither cared. Or, were even _capable_ of caring. Axel moaned—a hollow mimicry of desire—into Saïx’s chest as his arousal flared. At this rate, he’d be feeling echoes of Saïx’s touch for days._

_“You up for another round?” he asked, pressing filthy-wet kisses to Saïx’s skin. Axel ground his growing erection against the blue-haired Nobody, faint memories of _want _flickering behind closed eyelids. Axel could _almost_ remember passion, memories that guided his fingertips and lips as he pretended that he felt something for Saïx._

_Seven’s grip on Eight’s hair tightened, but when Axel looked up he did not see Saïx’s golden gaze on him as he’d expected. Rather, Saïx kept his eyes fixed on Kingdom Hearts. Axel was well out of practice—nine years without a heart does that to a guy—but it almost looked as if Saïx _longed_ for something. Or, at least he was trying to remember what longing felt like. _

_“Strange, that I find myself so drawn to you,” Saïx said absently. “I wonder if perhaps our hearts have reunited in Kingdom Hearts, and this—” the Diviner hissed as Axel switched lips for teeth “—_this_ is somehow connected.”_

_Axel shifted so that he laid fully atop Saïx, sprawled between the older Nobody’s spread thighs. The redhead propped his chin on Saïx’s chest, fingers continuing their sensuous glide across moonlit skin. “My Other thought yours was his heart-mate,” he said, his words at last tearing Saïx’s gaze from the heart-shaped moon. “Could be that he was right, and you’re onto something. Or, maybe it’s just the memories that’s got us confused… Can’t say I care all that much, either way.” Axel picked his upper body up so that he could properly _thrust_ against Saïx. “It’s always been you ‘n me, Isa,” he added, unaware he’d used Saïx’s name from _before_. _

_“My Lea,” Saïx murmured, giving in at last as he dragged the redhead up to his lips, bodies moving in a well-practiced rhythm under the everlasting light of a false Kingdom Hearts.) _

When Lea regained consciousness, he was aboard the gummiship with his head pillowed in Isa’s lap. Green eyes cracked open to meet teal, obvious concern in his lover’s gaze. “What happened?” Lea rasped, hardly able to speak above a whisper.

“You collapsed,” Isa replied, voice equally hushed. “Even assumed your body shut down from the shock. Once your heart rate stabilized, Dilan brought you out to the ship.” Isa paused, brushing a strand of hair from Lea’s forehead. “I thought you would prefer not waking in the castle.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Closing his eyes, Lea nervously felt for Axel’s presence; now that he was aware of the Nobody’s existence alongside his own, the connection came easily. Axel was there, albeit still unconscious. Hazy images—of blue hair and golden eyes—hinted at Axel’s dreams. Meanwhile, Lea tried not to think about how _this_ might be the last time he was just… himself. “Isa, I’m— I’m _so_ sorry.”

Isa sighed, his fingers softly massaging Lea’s still-throbbing head. “You have nothing to apologize for.” But Lea had known Isa nearly all his life, and could easily detect emotion in the other man’s voice. He just couldn’t tell _what_ emotion. “In the grand scheme of things, we’ve dealt with worse,” Isa added. “This is merely another obstacle to overcome.”

“But I’m afraid, Isa,” Lea confessed. “I don’t want to lose myself. I… I don’t want to lose _us_.” He shivered, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. “I just got you back. I can’t stand to lose you again.”

“I’m… afraid, as well,” Isa admitted, “but we are stronger than this. No matter what, you will always be my Lea, got it memorized?” Lea smiled despite himself; gods, his boyfriend could be so cheesy at times. “You won’t lose me, I promise. This time, it’s forever.”

Lea sighed. “It’s always been you ‘n me, Isa.” He was desperate to believe his partner, to trust that it would be okay, that _they_ would be okay, except…

Isa had never been a very good liar.

Days passed. Slowly, the line separating _Lea_ from _Axel_ blurred. Rather than melding, it felt more like Axel’s heart was growing into Lea’s. The predominant emotion Lea intuited from the Nobody was confusion; unconsciously, he felt his head tilt in response to all manner of normal, everyday occurrences. Pleasantries from strangers especially puzzled Axel. While shopping one afternoon, a store clerk waved to Lea as he passed by. Axel tilted his head. _Why did that man wave to you? _

“Because he’s a nice man,” Lea replied, words muffled as he tried to speak through clenched, smiling teeth. The guy who’d waved suddenly dropped his hand and shifted his gaze. Lea didn’t blame him… who knew how strange he looked, half-talking to himself?

More and more, _Axel_ crept into Lea’s movements. When Lea was twelve, he’d grown six inches in one summer, and ever since then his body felt awkward, lanky, and uncontrollable. By contrast, Axel had grown into adulthood in Lea’s body. Where Lea favored exaggerated and jerky movements, Axel moved sinuously and deliberately. At home, Lea found himself constantly sneaking up on Xion, Roxas, and Isa by accident, unaware he’d made no noise as he approached them. While the teenagers joked that they needed to put a bell on him, Isa said nothing.

Isa didn’t say much to Lea anymore.

However, the transfer wasn’t one-sided. While Lea increasingly embodied Axel, the Nobody quickly absorbed Lea’s instinctive friendliness, much to Roxas and Xion’s delight. Since Isa seemed hesitant to touch him, Axel sated his growing need for human contact by smothering his best friends with physical affection. After Roxas crushed Seifer during the annual struggle tournament, Axel ruffled his hair fondly. And when Xion was accepted into Twilight Town’s junior dance academy, Axel pulled her into a spinning embrace that left them both dizzy.

_Without them, I wouldn’t be here, _Axel told Lea when his Other asked why he’d gotten so touchy-feely. _Roxas and Xion, they reminded me what it meant to have fun. To be a person, I guess. _

While the kids were taking the Axel-cum-Lea situation in stride, Isa became quieter and more distant by the day. Although they still shared a bed, Isa no longer drew Lea into his arms as they drifted off to sleep. Instead, both men laid with their backs to one another, afraid to move lest they disturb the other. Consequently, neither slept well; Lea was caking on concealer to cover the same dark circles that prominently ringed Isa’s eyes.

Still, Lea held onto Isa’s promise that _this_ wouldn’t break them, and tried to give the other man his space. _Tried to_, that is, because Axel was adamant that the both of them were being idiots. The Nobody let Lea have it one afternoon while Isa was out shopping with Roxas and Xion, the redhead having stayed behind to train with the digital Heartless replicator Ansem the Wise gifted them. Lea found that by distracting himself while talking to Axel he felt _slightly_ less crazy, however he’d also noticed that he had been isolating himself from his friends more frequently as a result.

_Waiting around like this is pointless, if you ask me, _Axel remarked as he let his chakrams loose against a trio of Data-Heartless. _Saïx never makes the first move._

“No one asked you,” Lea snapped. “And, it’s _Isa_.”

_And another thing. _Flame Liberator flashed into existence, its hilt twirling around Lea’s fingers to cut down a pair of digitized enemies. _Just because _Isa_ doesn’t have Saï crowding his heart too, doesn’t mean there’s nothing left of him. _

Lea feinted left, a chakram in one hand to block while the other swung his keyblade into a larger Heartless. Covered in sweat, his arms trembled with exertion. The redhead didn’t like to admit it, but the amalgamation of his and Axel’s fighting styles and weaponry felt natural in a way he’d never sensed training with Kairi in the timeless forest.

“Look, I get it,” Lea said, skipping back. His keyblade flared into a second chakram as Axel took over. “If Nobodies truly never existed, then we’d have recompleted as teenagers—hell, Ienzo would still be a kid, if that were the case. But I know Isa, and I’m telling you, I’ve gotta trust him on this.”

_And I’m telling you, I know Saïx. Same difference. _Heat flared, and the few remaining Data-Heartless were swept up in a whirling inferno. Lea let Axel’s chakrams disperse, breathing heavily as his Nobody added, _trust me on this. You gotta make the first move._

Axel, it turned out, was not immune from giving _himself_ terrible advice.

“I’m sorry, Lea.” The redhead froze, hand still aloft as Isa buried his face in his hands. “I just… can’t, right now.” Axel was silent as Lea swallowed his hurt. He tried to be sympathetic—_no, yeah, I get it. Love you, Isa_—as the moment passed, but after that night, Lea altogether stopped trying to be intimate with Isa. For the first time in his life, Lea felt… unattractive. Unwanted. Until recently, he and Isa had hardly been able to keep their hands off one another. Now, Lea actively contemplated sleeping in the seldom-used upstairs bathroom, if only to avoid the discomfort of sharing a bed with a lover who no longer wanted him.

The tension between them kept climbing until, a week later, Lea discovered Isa packing a travel bag shortly after Xion and Roxas left for school. The redhead panicked until Isa explained, “It’s only for a few days. I’ll be in the Land of Departure with Master Aqua. She’s offered to assess my magical abilities to see if I retain any of Saïx’s propensities in that regard.”

Panic faded, replaced by hurt. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Lea asked. “I would have come with you.” Lea’s vision blurred as a lead weight settled in his stomach. Isa wasn’t leaving him, was he? Or, was he breaking his promise after all?

“I know, but…” his partner paused, idly folding a pair of pants. “I need this, Lea. All of _this_,” he said, gesturing between himself and Lea, “it’s overwhelming me. I won’t be gone long, just… I need to get away.”

Swallowing thickly, Lea choked out, “What does your heart say?”

Isa turned his back to Lea, however the redhead could see how his shoulders shook with silent sobs. Moments passed. Deep inside, Lea felt Axel stir anxiously. _Tell him to stay, _the Nobody said. _You’ll miss him, won’t you? _Their anxieties built on one another; neither Lea nor Axel could stand to be left behind. But Lea couldn’t bring himself to say the words, and instead stood there silently as Isa continued to pack his things.

Lea startled as a soft _chirp_ sounded. Isa checked his gummiphone, and after quickly wiping his eyes, said, “Terra just arrived at the Old Mansion. Would you please tell Roxas and Xion goodbye for me?”

_And, what about us? _Axel asked, betrayal twining alongside Lea’s heartache. The redhead felt flushed, cheeks heated by a mix of anger and repressed tears. Voice thick with desperation, Lea asked, “You— You haven’t changed your mind?”

“Oh, _Lea,_” Isa said, _finally_ reaching out. The heavy bag slung over his shoulder made it awkward, but Isa managed to take both Lea’s hands into his own. “I made you a promise, didn’t I? This is just an obstacle, and we will overcome this. Forever, right?” Isa pulled Lea in for a brief, yet passionate kiss.

Lea sighed as Isa let him go. “Forever,” he replied. He watched as Isa left, then said to himself, softer: “It’s always been me ‘n you.”

Lea spent the next several hours in a melancholic haze, barely responding to Roxas and Xion’s futile efforts to converse, train, or even watch a movie together. Meanwhile, Lea felt Axel’s irritation mount like a half-remembered thought right on the tip of his (_their_) tongue. Once the teenagers had dragged themselves to bed, Axel’s irate voice burned through Lea’s consciousness: _Are you seriously going to sit around moping until Isa gets over himself? You know, I’m not gonna let you add ‘hopelessly insecure’ into our grab-bag of personality traits._

Lea bit his lip, and said nothing. Really, what could he say? Since his recompletion, his sole objective was to bring his friends home and—with plenty of help—he’d done just that. But, he couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was slipping away again and he was helpless to stop it.

_Fine_, Axel groused. _Guess I gotta do everything myself. _Lea… didn’t like the sound of _that_. Sure, Lea could be a bit impulsive, but Axel was _beyond_ brash. For a moment, Lea waited anxiously for Axel to do… _whatever_ it was he planned to do. An ominous silence dragged on and on, until Lea noticed his heart rate had sped up, as had his breathing as warmth pooled in his gut. His skin felt _so_ sensitive, and with a start Lea realized how— how _turned on_ he suddenly was.

“Nngh,” Lea grunted, halfhearted protest caught in his throat as pure _need_ washed over him. In his mind’s eye, memories—_Axel’s memories_—fed his budding arousal.

_(“My Lea,” Saïx murmured, dragging the redhead up to his lips. The older Nobody’s legs locked around Axel’s waist as they rocked together. Harsh pants escaped kiss-swollen lips, Saïx’s hands moving to grip Axel’s sides so that the Diviner controlled the tempo of their movements.)_

_He liked it best when he was in control, _Axel said, remembering for both of them as Lea’s excitement grew. _Always wanted it on his terms, and at his speed. But gods, he was thorough, wasn’t he?_

It felt… dirty almost, aching so sweetly for Isa’s Nobody. The sheets still smelled like _Isa_; like primrose and dewy summer nights. Lea turned onto his side, legs drawn up under the blankets in an attempt to hide his arousal. The angle was terrible, but it would suffice. Lea grimaced and grunted as he shoved a hand down his sleeping shorts, eager to get off.

_(He didn’t have a heart, but Axel’s body still felt frustrated_ _by the tantalizingly slow pace Saïx had set. He whined, trying to goad Saïx into moving faster, but only received a humorless chuckle in response. “Better to let it build,” the older Nobody said, reversing their positions so that he pinned Axel beneath his larger frame.)_

_Slower_, Axel coaxed. _I can take us to the edge, if that’s what you want. I’ll make our toes curl, it’ll feel so good. _

“Yes,” Lea hissed, abandoning his frantic pace. He lifted his hips to slide his bottoms off, any shame forgotten as Axel’s words—_his memories_—overtook him. When _they_ spoke, it was _Axel’s_ voice that filled the room.

“I’ll show you how it’s done,” Axel promised, tracing gentle digits up the length of Lea’s torso. “Pleasure—” he said, wrist twisting _just so_ as he stroked Lea, “—and pain.” Fingernails dug into Lea’s nipple, screams echoing in his mind. Axel chuckled, fingers soothing the sting. “I know what this body wants.”

_(Saïx nipped_ hard, _bright pain mixing oh-so-perfectly with the building tightness in Axel’s groin. The fire-wielder shouted and buried his hands into Saïx’s hair, trying to bring him closer. As usual Saïx denied him his desires, drawing back to look down at Axel with bright golden eyes. “What would you give,” the Nobody asked, one hand curling around Axel’s backside towards his stretched, dripping entrance. “How far would you fall, for me to take you?”)_

_Anything, forever, _Lea whined. _Isa… _As his Other mentally writhed, Axel flung one hand over toward the side table, rummaging through a drawer that Lea and Isa had expressly forbidden their younger roommates from _ever_ opening to find a neglected tube of lubricant.

_(Axel moaned low and drawn-out as Saïx slowly pressed two fingers inside.)_

“Let me show you,” Axel panted, dragging his slick fingers down their crease. “Let me show you how this body wants to be _fucked_.” Lea murmured his agreement, still stroking them languidly. _Please…_

_(“How does it feel to surrender yourself?” Saïx asked him, gaze intent as he thrust inside Axel in one powerful stroke. Axel screamed as his tired body protested the sudden intrusion, but still he pulled Saïx closer. “You give in so well… Lea.”) _

“S-Saï…” Axel moaned, movements faltering as Lea tightened his grip. The former Nobody had quickly slipped one, then two fingers inside them, moving in tandem with Lea as both submitted to Saïx’s memory. Their shared heart pounded, aching for their absent blue-haired lover. _Isa_, Lea gasped. The limited bodily control let him easily fantasize that it was Isa’s fingers—_Isa’s cock_—shoving greedily into him. Axel groaned as he added another digit. “Fuck, Saïx, _please…_”

_(Saïx readjusted them so that Axel’s legs were held aloft over his shoulders, the angle letting the older Nobody truly pound into the redhead. Axel tensed as muscles strained and flexed, breathy cries spilling from him near-endlessly. Saïx looked at him with feigned reverence. “O-one might almost, hah, al-lmost think you had a heart, ahn, the way you l-look when lost in pleasure,” he said, voice strained. Axel gasped as Saïx’s stoicism faded into animalistic furor and the Diviner took him even harder.)_

Axel teased them with a fourth finger. Lea whined. _I, I can’t, _he begged, but Axel gave only a breathy laugh as he slowly pressed his pinky finger inside. The stretch, _the burn_, felt incredible. Axel’s deep groan of satisfaction easily drowned out Lea’s gasping whimpers as the keyblade wielder reflexively pumped faster. The warmth in their gut spread as that telltale pressure built. _So close_, Lea begged, pre-come dribbling thick and hot down their fingers. With a gasp, Axel closed their eyes and let his head fall back as vivid memories continued to play out…

_(—a bruising grip as fingers tightened on either side of his waist, beastly growls joining shrill cries that grew louder and louder—)_

…Lea’s stomach tensed, followed by warm pulsing as the tide threatened to break, Axel’s fingers _spreading_ and _burning_ and _touching them _so perfectly…

_(“I-ISA!”_

_“…Lea.”)_

“Saï—” Axel choked as they came, entire body tense and shivering with release. As relief washed over them, Lea felt tears on Axel’s cheeks as his Nobody let the memory fade. At once, Lea suddenly remembered _that_ night, the night before Roxas’s arrival… the night before it all began to change. Grief, distant and unexamined, flickered briefly in their shared heart-space as Lea realized, _You were in love with him. With Saïx._

“Love? Please. Saïx was an asshole,” Axel retorted, lazily playing with the mess coating his abdomen. Lea _flinched_ as the former Nobody absentmindedly brought coated fingertips up to their lips. Axel ignored his squeamish Other as he tasted himself, enjoying the perverse thrill of it. “He didn’t have the heart to care about anything or anyone. We fucked, simple as that.”

_Bullshit, _Lea replied. _This is… mourning. _And it was, pressure crushing their chest and tightening his throat as Axel softly cried.

“No, look,” Axel said, dragging their spent body toward the downstairs bath. “Things got screwy, and it confused the hell outta me. I started to _feel_ again, and I had all these memories from _you_ that I couldn’t make any sense of. Then Saïx started changing too, and I figured it was the same as me.” The light came on, and Axel stared directly into the new mirror, gaze drawn to the massive web of scar tissue that covered most of Lea’s right side. “But, obviously not.”

Their feelings clashed painfully as Axel remembered _hurt_ and _betrayal_ while Lea desperately _missed_ Isa, the only person he _trusted_ to comfort them. _I don’t think it’s that simple, _Lea said as Axel cleaned their face and torso with a warm washcloth. _After all, Saïx did betray the second Organization for us._

“For _you_,” Axel bit back. “Listen, Saïx said it himself. His emotions, if you wanna call them that, were all an act. Mine too, until the end that is. What you, what _we’ve_ got with Isa is completely different.”

_If you say so, _Lea conceded, however doubtful. He and Isa had so quickly disregarded what _Axel_ and _Saïx _had together, and for what? Ignoring that their Nobodies had been regularly hooking up _for years_ hadn’t affected how Lea and Isa felt about each other, nor did it make up for the decade they’d lost. Why run from those memories? Lea didn’t know, and as they wondered their gummiphone _pinged_ with a new message from Isa.

_Lea, _it read._ I hope this didn’t wake you, but I wanted to apologize for earlier. I should have said something to you, but I did not know how. I’ve been selfish, and my hope is that this trip will help me sort out my thoughts. But I will miss you. I already miss you. I love you._

Fresh tears welled in Lea's eyes. They reread Isa’s message over and over again, and for the first time all day Lea let himself feel _hope_ that somehow, things would work out.

_I love him, _Lea sighed, to which Axel responded, “Yeah… think I do, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note: In this and the next several chapters, I increasingly use they/them/their pronouns to refer to Axel/Lea. There are several authors in the KH fandom who have been writing incredible pieces that feature non-binary characters who use the same pronouns, and if you haven’t already read some of those stories then you definitely, absolutely should! However, my decision to use these pronouns is a grammatical choice, because Lea and Axel are (for the time being) more-or-less two people inside a shared body, and are therefore plural. Please feel free to message me or DM me on twitter if you have any questions because, again, I love hearing from y’all!


	4. heart. break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW: This chapter features an intimate scene some readers might find upsetting.** Since it could spoil some plot elements to describe that scene here, please read the End Notes at your discretion for further details.

Lea cast a weary glance outside. For the first time since they’d moved to Twilight Town, the ever-present orange glow had been replaced by ominous gray clouds. Lea felt old injuries twinge and ache as the air pressure dropped, and hurriedly closed all the windows before the inevitable storm began. _Did we pack the kids an umbrella this morning? _Lea asked, to which Axel answered, “Oops.” Since Isa left, his and Axel’s consciousness was less _Lea _and _Axel_, more rather _them_. Deciphering _which_ thought came from _whom_ had grown tedious, especially given the futility of their situation. Unless one or the other spoke of a particular memory, _he_ and _I_ had become _they_.

However, they’d yet to bring this up to the others… especially Isa. Things were still unsettled with Lea’s boyfriend, not to mention the strange mix of _longing_ and _jealousy_ Axel felt whenever his Other was thinking about Isa. Until _they_ were an _I_ again, they figured the simplest solution was to keep quiet, lest they let the wrong pronoun slip.

By mid-afternoon it was raining, and Xion and Roxas tracked an impressive amount of mud and water in with them when they returned home from school. It was the sort of mess Isa would clean immediately, however Lea was content to wait as the teenagers excitedly told them about their day. As was becoming habit they stayed more-or-less quiet, only responding when spoken to directly. Xion left after a few minutes to dry off and get ready for dance practice that evening, but Roxas—still dripping _everywhere_—folded his arms and smirked at Lea. “Wanna practice?” he asked, nodding towards the backyard.

“Yeah, okay,” Lea agreed, stretching as they stood. “Probably need to blow off some steam anyways.” The grin Roxas responded with was infectious, and laughing, the pair headed out. Axel hissed as the rain immediately drenched them. It wasn’t just raining; this was a downpour. The fire-wielder playfully glared at Roxas, who had already summoned Oathkeeper and Oblivion. “That wasn’t literal, you know.” _No way our fire’s gonna do anything with the weather like this, _Lea added.

Just as his Other spoke, Axel noticed Roxas’s smirk returning. “Cheater,” Axel grumbled, which only caused Roxas to smile even wider.

“It’s not my fault you don’t use any other kinds of magic,” he replied, idly twirling Oathkeeper. Axel closed their eyes as Lea concentrated, Flame Liberator appearing in a heated flash. The raindrops that landed on their keyblade evaporated on contact, light steam rising from the blade.

The redhead lifted his key up and over their shoulder, stance widening. “All right, punk,” Axel said. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” Roxas wasted no time, rushing at Lea with both keyblades out on each side. Lea skipped back to avoid Oblivion, Flame Liberator spinning forward to block a counter from Roxas’s other keyblade. Axel leapt into the air as Light danced off the tips of Roxas’s keyblades, and the blonde laughed triumphantly as the spell caught his best friend, singeing the sleeves of his shirt.

“That’s it!” Axel yelled, keyblade flaring into spinning chakrams. Despite all the training they’d been doing, even at their best the older was more suited for ranged attacks. The rain doused any fire Axel laced into their attack, however as his Nobody threw the first, then a second chakram at Roxas, an idea struck Lea. “Aero!” they shouted, the small windstorm practically all they could conjure, but with the steam it came together to form a thick, humid cloud around Roxas. Axel chuckled as they landed, obscured by the mists. They wove in and out of the cloud like they used to with Axel’s fire, the blonde unable to keep track of their faint silhouette.

“Hey!” Roxas shouted as his own Light merely intensified the glare. Axel drew closer, Roxas still unaware. “That’s not fair!”

“Not our fault you don’t use any other magic,” Axel taunted, keyblade whirling back into existence as he tapped Roxas’s shoulder from behind. However, as the fog cleared to reveal Roxas’s slightly-confused expression, they realized Axel’s mistake. Confidence waning, Lea tried to salvage the situation, adding, “U-um, my fault… not _my_ fault…” Roxas went from perplexed to unamused, and Lea sighed. “Sorry, it’s gotten a little crowded in here,” he said, gesturing to their heart. “W— _I_ know it sounds weird, sorry,” they repeated, flustered.

“You’ve been doing that probably more than you realize. This morning, you kept saying ‘we’ when Xion asked what your plans were for today,” Roxas admitted. “Do you want to talk about it? I know Isa’s been ignoring you—”

“That’s not it,” Lea interrupted. They’d been messaging on-and-off with Isa since he left, and while it wasn’t ideal, Lea hoped they were laying the groundwork for a genuine heart-to-heart once their boyfriend returned. “It’s just that… what is there to say? I’ve— _We’ve_,” Axel corrected, as Roxas rolled his eyes. “We’ve got all these conflicting feelings and memories, and there’s no telling what it’s all going to look like after our hearts come together completely. We… don’t know who we are, right now.”

Frowning, Roxas lowered his keyblades to the sodden ground. He rested his hip against Oathkeeper, momentarily silent as he bit his lip in thought. “I think I get it,” he said slowly, eyes looking past Axel as the blonde remembered. “I’m not Sora, not anymore, but for a while I think I was… like I was seeing things as two different people. When I fought Riku, half of me saw him as an enemy, and half of me saw him as my best friend.” Roxas sighed. “It was scary, especially ‘cause I didn’t know what _scared_ even was.”

With a crackling sizzle, Lea let Flame Liberator disappear to nervously scratch the back of their head. Axel knew Roxas was trying to help, but instead he’d reminded them just how badly they’d failed the younger key wielders. “Sorry,” they said. “That was a lot for you to handle on your own, and it’s not like we were doing anything to help.”

“But _that’s_ the point, Axel,” Roxas retorted. “You’re not alone! You have me and Xion. We’re your best friends, right? And, we know what it’s like being trapped in someone else’s heart. Please,” the younger begged, “it hurts to see you so sad all the time.”

Lea slowly exhaled. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust Roxas and Xion, except… There was a strange, niggling feeling that sat on the edges of Axel’s heart that they couldn’t quite place, but it was enough to keep the Nobody from confiding in his best friends. As for Lea, he was basically hardwired to go to Isa with anything and everything. Still, neither liked that their somber state was hurting the half-pints, so Lea let themselves smile at Roxas. “We’ve got a lot to sort out for ourselves first, but I promise—” Lea spoke for Axel, as well. “—it’s gonna be okay.”

After a brief hesitation, Roxas nodded. Axel’s smile was more genuine as they called Flame Liberator once again, its warmth and weight reassuring. “Now, let’s see how many more rounds I win.” With a laugh, Roxas spun his keyblades as the pair resumed sparring in the steady downpour, lightning and spells flashing wildly.

The redhead lost every other match, but it was worth it to see his best friend so happy and carefree.

Four days later, Isa returned. Despite Isa’s protests, Xion insisted they throw him a ‘Welcome Home’ party complete with streamers, cake, and (for a select few) adult beverages. “I was gone for less than a week,” Isa grumbled, even as he dutifully composed an extensive shopping list for the event. “Hardly long enough for anyone to miss me.”

_We missed you_, Lea thought sadly. While they’d appreciated Isa’s regular messages during his time in the Land of Departure, it hardly replaced being with their lover in person. Axel even admitted—albeit begrudgingly—that he’d missed Isa. The Nobody’s feelings were still a tangled mess of lust and bitterness, although Lea hadn’t dared to mention Saïx since he’d realized how deeply Axel had felt for Isa’s Nobody. Despite the ever-growing closeness of their hearts, there were still some parts of Axel Lea couldn’t see.

Shrugging off his Other’s incessant nosiness, Axel realized it had been quiet for a while. Blinking, they saw everyone staring at them. “Um,” they spluttered, unsure what or if anything had been said.

Roxas _ahem_’ed pointedly. “Is there anything else you want on the list?” _Oh._ Self-conscious, Axel glanced over the list Isa nudged towards them. While they’d spaced out, the trio had put together a sizeable grocery and invitation list. Evidently Xion had wanted more than a simple homecoming party. Everyone was invited, and it seemed old Scrooge would earn a small fortune off them. However, as Lea read Isa’s neat handwriting, they felt their boyfriend come closer.

“May I have a word?” Isa asked quietly. Internally Lea panicked, so Axel took control, giving their partner a small nod. Roxas’s eyes darted between the pair, and with a sigh the younger boy took Xion’s hand and whispered something that sounded like, _let’s give them some space. _

“We’ll go to the store and get a few things,” Xion said, taking the list from Axel. “I’ll send a message before we come back to let you know how much space we’ll need for supplies.” Xion wasn’t exactly subtle, but Axel supposed it was better than if she had outright said, _so we don’t accidentally walk in on you two. _Gods, Lea hoped that was a legitimate concern… What they wouldn’t give for things to go back to being_ normal_ again.

An awkward silence settled between them after the teenagers left, Axel with his back to the far wall and Isa propped against the kitchen counter. Nonetheless, their eyes looked Isa up-and-down, drinking in the sight of him after an almost-weeklong absence. After all, no amount of distress would keep them from being attracted to their lover. Rather, feeling turned on by Isa was so routine it was easy to pretend that everything was fine, _good_ even. Isa noticed them obviously checking him out and—blushing—cleared his throat.

“I know that I said it over the gummiphone, but I’d still like to apologize to you in person,” Isa said, tone uncertain. Even recompleted, apologies were rare from Isa, who harbored a truly impressive stubborn streak and hated to admit fault. (His perfectionism was equal parts attractive and infuriating to Lea, not that _he_ was one to talk.) “I have struggled to be honest with you, and I worry that it’s affected our relationship. I—” Isa forced himself to breathe. “I don’t want to repeat Saïx’s mistakes and push you away. You are much too important to me, and I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Guilt ate at the edges of their conjoined heart, because even as Isa openly struggled to be vulnerable and communicative, Lea knew they couldn’t do the same. What if Isa rejected them again, _left_ them _again_ if he found out just how much of _Lea_ was _Axel_? So, even though it still hurt, and they weren’t sure they _actually_ forgave him, Lea mustered as much conviction as he could as he told Isa, “Yeah, ‘course I forgive you.”

Isa looked at them for a long moment, expressionless. Then with a sigh, his shoulders relaxed and he sagged more heavily against the counter. “Thank you,” he said. “But, there is something else that I should say—”

“_Ugh_, come on, Isa!” Lea interrupted, pushing off the wall towards their partner. “W— I’ve missed you, alright? Can’t we just ignore the serious stuff for tonight?” Truthfully, they couldn’t handle it if Isa continued being so remorseful and understanding, not when they were hiding their own emotional turmoil. Unconsciously, they took on Axel’s slinking movements as Lea crossed the room towards Isa, the blue-haired man watching them approach warily. In their desperation, their hearts synched for the first time as Lea, as Axel, as _he _felt a desirous want… for comfort, for reassurance, and most of all, for Isa. Emboldened, Lea slid his fingertips up along his torso, the redhead’s shirt inching up to expose a swath of pale skin.

Isa straightened as Lea approached, full lips barely parted. Axel saw his pupils dilate, and smirked. Fluidly, he pulled his shirt off, carelessly dropping it on the ground as Lea sidled up to his lover. “Want to take this into the other room?” he asked, holding Isa’s gaze as he let a hand drop to the fly of his own dark jeans.

Isa hesitated, his hands close—but not _quite_—touching Lea. The redhead’s eyes narrowed, and he _popped_ the button before slowly dragging his zipper down. Isa’s breathing sped up, but his eyes were still unsure when they met Axel’s. “Lea, I don’t know if—”

“Look, do you want me or not?” Axel snapped, and Isa visibly _jerked_ away in response, wincing as his hip painfully slammed against the kitchen counter. Lea’s remorse was immediate. “Sorry, I— sorry.” Lea’s arms wrapped around his slender torso. “With everything, it’s just… don’t you want me anymore, Isa?”

Isa’s distress shifted, taking on a more frustrated edge. He inhaled, then exhaled slowly before stepping forward and pulling Lea into his arms. “Of course, I want you,” Isa said reassuringly, one hand slipping behind Lea to rub up-and-down his spine. “You… consume my thoughts like no other. I only want to take care of you, and to give you everything you deserve.”

“Then, _take care_ _of me_,” Axel replied, pressing his half-hard cock against his boyfriend. Something felt off, an indistinct sense of _not right_. Intimate moments between him and Isa normally felt so natural, but it had been so long… that had to be it, the reason for the strangeness Lea sensed. He tried to chase the feeling away, unfrozen arms moving to unzip the front of Isa’s jacket as he felt warmth spreading throughout his body. That _had_ to be it, it _had_ to be.

Like a dam breaking, Isa _crashed_ into Axel. Their lips mashed together messily, teeth gnashing as they tried to find their rhythm. Hands desperately pushed and tore at the others’ clothes, but their pace was all wrong, digits tangling over zippers and buttons and buckles. Still, Lea fought for that closeness as his head turned slightly, breaking their kiss to pant for breath. Isa’s lips drifted across his sharp jawline, nosing softly at the soft space directly behind his ear before _sucking_, no doubt leaving a dark mark in his wake. Lea _keened_ at the biting sensation, naked leg coming up to hook behind his partner’s knee to forcefully drag their hips together.

Isa had always been stronger, but Lea forgot just _how much_ stronger he was until the older pulled his other leg around his waist, hands firm and capable underneath Lea’s rear as Isa carried him into the living room and set him down on the upright sofa-bed. Lea moaned at Isa’s casual prowess, and then again as his lover finished disrobing. The redhead bit his lip, whatever reservations he might have had vanishing at the sight of _Isa_, tight and smooth and _hard_, oh-so-hard for _him_…

However, when Axel went to let down the back of the futon, he was stopped by Isa, who instead guided the younger to kneel backwards on the seat, elbows resting high on the reclining edge. “Like this,” Isa insisted, firm grip keeping Axel on his front. Lea grimaced as Axel’s heart skittered away, the disjointed feeling of _us_ returning. Both Axel and Lea preferred to see their lover, and rarely did the blue-haired man take them from behind. Isa knew that, _Saïx knew that_, so why...?

Arousal made it difficult to think, even more so as Isa reached past them to retrieve the lube from the end table. If Isa noticed the tube had been used since their last tryst, he made no mention of it. Soon, slick fingers were sliding down, searching and then easily sliding into them. Lea groaned, legs shifting further apart to give Isa easier access. Yet like earlier, even _this_ touch felt off as Isa seemed to haphazardly switch between the gentle touches Lea had grown accustomed to, and the impatient fingering Axel knew best. Their partner’s movements felt more like a tease, and with another moan Axel whined, “C’mon Isa…”

Axel couldn’t see Isa, but they could hear the _snick-snap_ of the lubricant cap opening then closing, and the soft gasp Isa made as he coated himself. They could _feel_ Isa’s hand on their hip, the other on his cock as Isa guided himself inside Lea’s warmth. Lea’s fingers flexed and clenched the back of the sofa-bed as Isa bottomed-out in one long stroke, the slight burn adding to their desire. Immediately, Isa set a fast pace, barely pulling out halfway before _fucking_ back inside them. The metal frame creaked and whined with their quick movements, although it was hardly audible over the crude sound of skin-on-skin.

Lea looked over their shoulder, disheartened to see Isa’s eyes tightly screwed shut as their bodies came together with a feverish fervor. A shameful flush colored their cheeks as Axel realized, _he can’t even look at us. _Lea moaned, fighting to keep their tears at bay even as pleasure danced along each and every nerve ending. All his Other could do was project normalcy, how _right_ it felt for Isa to fill them, to take care of them, to _love_ them. But it _wasn’t _right, hadn’t been right, not even from the start…

“_Lea_,” Isa grunted, and with startling clarity Axel’s heart recoiled. _He doesn’t want me. _Horrified pain lanced through their shared heart-space. _He hates me, Saïx hated me, he’s going to hate us because of me… _Lea couldn’t keep up with his Nobody’s racing thoughts, thoughts that felt like his own because they were _theirs_.

With a cry, Axel buried their face into the cushioned backrest in an effort to mask the tears that they’d begun shedding. Their thighs cramped from the change in position, so Lea spread their legs wider apart. Neither could prevent their muffled scream as Isa pressed directly against their prostate, the warring sensations of grief and ecstasy too much to bear. Instinctively, Lea tried to shy away from the over-stimulating touch, but in their position there was nowhere to go. Axel cried even harder, harsh gasps for breath accompanying each fevered thrust.

And then, everything suddenly stopped. “L-Lea?” Isa asked, exhausted voice laced with worry. With Isa still buried deep inside, Lea’s body tensed on the precipice of release, oxygen-starved lungs only adding to the heightened bodily sensations. They sobbed audibly, and with a gasp Isa said, “Oh, _fuck_… Lea.” In a panic, Isa pulled out too quickly, and both flinched at the sudden sting. Isa reached for Lea, who fell gracelessly onto their side as his Nobody… _broke_.

“_Wuh_… I c-can’t,” Lea tried to speak, Axel’s self-loathing a palpable force that made it difficult to breathe, difficult to even _think_. It felt like all of the air was being crushed from their lungs, ecstasy turned to sourness in the pit of their stomach. Instantly, Lea knew they were going to be sick.

They barely made it to the toilet in time, Isa’s terrified voice hardly registering as they choked and gagged. “Lea, _please. _Talk to me,” he pleaded. A moment passed, footsteps moving quickly away and then back towards the closed door. “Lea? I’m— I’m coming in.” The doorknob turned as Isa, clad only in sweatpants and holding a blanket, slowly let himself in. Panting, Lea’s eyes screwed shut as their insides clenched again, bile crawling up their throat. The pieces of their heart that still belonged to Axel felt impossibly heavy; inconsolable and mute, all Lea could feel from his Nobody was indescribable pain.

The heaves slowly abated, and a soft warmth draped over their naked form as Isa covered Lea with the blanket he’d brought. The redhead could feel Isa’s hands shaking where they touched them, but it all seemed very far away. Lea grit their teeth as they swallowed down another bout of nausea. Lea _hated_ to be weak, to feel so uncontrolled. Why couldn’t they just hold it together and pretend that everything was normal, just how it should be?

_Because I shouldn’t exist, _Axel whispered, voice little more than a _memory_ of sound. _We shouldn’t be this way. _Lea felt helpless, incapable of consoling his other half and therefore unable to accept the comfort Isa offered. Half-forgotten, Xemnas’s voice seeped into their consciousness, Axel’s very first memory: _You feel nothing. Nothing is real. You are no-body. _Funny, how he’d never believed it until that moment. They stood, rubbing at their sore and reddened eyes. Lea couldn’t meet Isa’s worried gaze, and instead slipped past their partner.

“Lea—” Isa said, mournful. But Axel just… _couldn’t_.

“It’s nothing,” the Nobody replied, toneless. Instinctively, they went up the stairs and into Roxas’s room, wrapping the blanket Isa’d given them tightly around their body and curling up on the floor.

For Lea—for Axel—the rest of the evening passed in a blur. For a while, Isa lingered in the doorway, silent yet watchful. Eventually Xion and Roxas returned, and then it was soft hands and even softer words as their best friends tried to get them to move, to speak, to _react_ to anything. At last, the pair settled on Roxas’s bed for the evening, the radio tuned to old timey Twilight Town instrumentals as the teenagers fell into a fitful sleep. When dawn arrived in all its amber hues, they stood, resolving themselves to playing the part—_being normal_—until their hearts synched for good. _Our plan from the start_, Lea decided, as Axel roused Roxas, Xion, and (their heart _ached_) Isa to apologize and reassure them all was well.

As the party drew nearer, Isa repeatedly tried to talk to Lea, but Axel had dragged them into full-blown denial. As such, Lea became increasingly difficult to locate, much to his roommates’ concern (Isa) and annoyance (Roxas and Xion). Really, there was no rationality behind their actions, and both the Nobody and his Other would admit it, except… that would mean confessing everything to Isa. That Lea was Axel, and they could never go back. That Axel had feelings (_love_) for Saïx, and they’d gotten him killed. Worse yet, that they harbored inexplicable resentment towards Roxas and Xion, and they had no clue _why_. Neither of them were brave enough to do that. Better to pretend that everything was normal, _was just fine, got it memorized? _

At last, the day of the party arrived. Lea busied themselves with hanging decorations, running last-minute errands, and doing whatever they could to distract themselves. Xion and Roxas were too caught up in the excitement of preparations to remember that they were upset with Axel, and kept a lively conversation going with them throughout the morning and early afternoon. Rather, it was Isa who hid out, spending most of the day on his phone, looking irate as he sent and received message after message from _someone_—Lea had no idea who.

“Axel, think fast!” Before Lea could tear his eyes off Isa, they felt skinny arms and legs curl around their torso as Xion leapt onto their back. “Let’s go to the party!” Xion shouted, way too close to Axel’s ear. Even with their ears ringing they still grinned as Axel carried Xion from the kitchen to the backyard, completely missing how suddenly Isa’s expression darkened. It seemed like the kids, at least, were willing to pretend everything was normal so long as they did. _Maybe this’ll all work out after all, _Lea said, although Axel felt how _forced_ their optimism was.

The guests arrived in a steady stream, a mix of keyblade wielders and their friends. Kairi, Riku, and Naminé were the last to arrive, as expected. Sora’s absence weighed heavily on them, and frankly Axel was surprised they’d agreed to come to this impromptu soirée. _They gotta celebrate the little things, _Lea reminded them. _It’s what Sora would want._

They drifted across the backyard, smiling often but saying little. As far as Lea knew, everyone was aware what was up with them, but nonetheless they didn’t want to go around advertising it. Either no one noticed Axel’s uncharacteristic silence, or they were too polite to address it. In their peripheral vision, Axel saw Ventus, Roxas, and Terra laughing together. Lea could hear Xion and Kairi’s soft voices somewhere behind them. Their heart ached from the _normalcy_ that surrounded them, just beyond reach.

Their skin itched, like it was too tight across their chest. Cold sweat formed at their brow as nerves sharply unsettled Lea’s stomach. It was normal, _too normal_, but they weren’t connected to it. They didn’t _belong_ to it. Green eyes scanned the gathered crowd for long blue hair, as Lea realized how _desperately_ they needed Isa. But, Isa was on the far side of the yard with Terra, eyes fixed on the other man. Lea was starting to panic, and Isa was… with Terra?

Instead, Axel filled a cup with strong cider, hoping the alcohol would dull the sharpening anxiety. The first glass went down with ease, and Axel was halfway through a second when he heard someone saying his Other’s name. Isa was making his way towards them, and _distress_ flared again. Axel finished their drink and went to fill a third when Isa stole their cup and set it on the table. “Lea, that’s enough,” he said, adding, “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Oh?” Axel said, feigning surprise. “And here w— _I_ thought you wanted to spend the night chatting with your new best friend.”

Isa glared at them. “You won’t annoy me into arguing with you,” he replied, although given his tone Axel _seriously_ doubted that. “We need to talk.” They didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but Axel would have never guessed that _they_, not Isa, would feel so out-of-place surrounded by other keyblade wielders and the like.

“We’re at a party… _your party_, remember?” Axel added, although Lea began to feel apprehensive. _It could be important, _his Other murmured, but Axel ignored it. They hadn’t had much to drink, but the rate at which they’d downed the alcoholic cider already had them feeling a little woozy. It made things seem more bearable, if only somewhat. Feeling like it was a compromise, Lea promised Isa, “We can talk after, I swear.”

Head shaking, Isa grabbed Lea’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to do this now, you know. But I can’t trust that you won’t start hiding again as soon as this ends.” Axel groused at being manhandled so openly, but Lea subdued his Nobody long enough to notice how _uncomfortable_ Isa looked. “Lea,” his partner said nervously, “I need to tell you—”

“Axel, check this out!” Roxas yelled, tugging impatiently on Lea’s other shirtsleeve. The redhead noticed Isa’s jaw tense; judging by his scoffing, so did Roxas. “You’ve had _forever_ to talk to him, Isa. Can’t it wait until the party’s over?”

That tight, too-full feeling in their chest returned, and paired with alcohol Lea felt uncomfortably dizzy. Whatever it was that Roxas wanted them to see, it included Ventus and several of his friends from school, all of whom were staring at the trio somewhat apprehensively. “Uh, maybe later, Roxas,” Axel replied. Perhaps it _would_ be a good idea to go with Isa, if only to get them out of this awkward situation.

“Axel—” Roxas began, but he was quickly interrupted by Isa, who corrected him with a sharp, “_Lea_.” The pressure mounted as two of the most important people in _both_ their lives stared one another down, triggering a wave of unkind memories of Saïx and Roxas locked in combat… both occasions that resulted in Lea and Axel losing their best friend and closest ally. The voices around them tapered off as more and more people sensed the building pressure.

“_Heh_, you know either one works,” Lea said, trying to relax the tension. Neither Roxas nor Isa listened, although before they lost it entirely Xion came up beside them and gently grasped Lea’s wrist in wordless support. The festivities had come to a standstill, and Lea would have been embarrassed if they weren’t half-convinced their heart was about to fly out of their chest (again). In a choked voice, Lea pleaded, “It’s okay, Isa. I don’t mind being called ‘Axel.’” How could they, when _Axel_ was who they were?

The moonlight glinted off Isa’s eyes in a horribly familiar way, however before Lea could even blink Isa had rushed forward, dislodging Xion’s grip and holding their hands so tightly their joints popped. “Stop it,” he said, more desperately than Lea had ever heard him. “Just… _stop_. You’re Lea.” Isa shook. “You’re Lea.”

The pressure snapped, and Axel with it. “No, _we’re_ not!” For a second it was as if they’d gone back in time as _Axel_ met _Saïx’s_ moonlit gaze directly, but the moment passed as Isa dropped Lea’s hands and stormed away, Aqua and Terra following quickly behind. The uncomfortable silence persisted, all eyes on Axel. Lea’s face felt hot, but the former Nobody physically _forced_ any potential tears away. They were _not_ going to cry in front of everyone, _got it memorized? _

Axel felt a small, calloused hand on his arm. Roxas. “You okay?” Axel tried to shrug his best friend off, but Roxas only tightened his grip. “Don’t let Isa ruin the party for you, Axel. Come on,” he added, looking pointedly at everyone until they dispersed, returning to their previous conversations.

However, Axel was _not_ in a festive mood. “Not feelin’ it, Rox,” they said, but that only made Roxas’s mouth set into a stubborn frown. He stood in front of Axel, blocking their exit. Lea growled, “We’re serious, alright? Just leave us alone.” They didn’t bother with ‘I’ or ‘me,’ even in mixed company. _Guess the cat’s out of the bag now, _Axel reasoned.

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Roxas replied. “You should be with friends, not by yourself like Saï—”

“_Don’t,_” Axel said harshly. In their periphery, Lea noticed that people were staring again, no doubt sensing the tension rising once more. Their dizziness skyrocketed. Usually, Lea loved being the center of attention, however Axel knew from experience the risks that came from having everyone’s eyes on them. One misstep, and they might _never_ live this night down.

But Roxas—being _Roxas_—was unmoved. “Look, I get it! I know what it’s like to be one thing, and then suddenly to be something completely different. And when I grew a heart, I had my friends by my side. You, Axel!”

The world was spinning off its axis. Faces blurred around them, and all the hurt Axel carried in their heart burst free. Too much. It was all just. Too. Much.

When Axel spoke, their voice was lower and colder than Roxas had ever heard it. “Being friends with you is what did this to us. Nobodies shouldn’t exist.” Flames licked Axel’s fingers, climbing Lea’s arms as their anger intensified. Roxas dropped his hand to avoid getting burned. “Axel… _We_ should have faded into nothingness, just like the others. But we _didn’t_.”

Because… _that_ was it, wasn’t it? Axel _loved_ his best friends, but he _hated_ what they’d done to him. They’d made the Nobody real, and it _hurt_ and it was _wrong_ and Saïx was _gone _and Isa wanted _Lea_ but he was gone, too and _they shouldn’t exist._

Axel didn’t hesitate, couldn’t _bear_ to see Roxas’s betrayed expression nor Xion’s righteous hurt; with flames still licking at their heels, Lea fled into the house and up the stairs, bypassing Roxas’s room to hide away in the florescent brightness of the upstairs bathroom.

The pain they’d felt with Isa days earlier returned tenfold, however any threat of tears faded. Like the final puzzle piece slid into place, they understood _why_ the Nobody’s consciousness manifested so slowly. _Why_ it had taken Lea’s heart so, so long to reconnect with Roxas and Xion’s. _Why _Axel felt as jealous of his Other as Saïx had of his best friends. Because Axel was a Nobody, and _Nobodies shouldn’t exist. _

“But I exist,” Lea said—to himself, to them, to no one at all. “And I _am_ Axel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW: This chapter features a sex scene that begins consensual but abruptly ends when one of the characters starts to panic.**


	5. [interlude i] the best laid plans

Admittedly, _Lea needs more protein in his diet_ likely wasn’t the first thing Isa ought to have thought as he caught the unconscious redhead, but Lea’s collapse wasn’t entirely unexpected. Isa had kept an eye on Lea as Ienzo talked, and noticed his complexion grow paler and paler as he began lightly swaying. Just as he’d felt all day, Isa observed everything around him with a near-clinical objectivity. Later he’d chalk it up to shock, but in the moment it was easier to plan their next trip to the grocer’s as Ansem’s apprentices fruitlessly tried to rouse his lover.

Lea’s heart rate was elevated to the point that Even had to administer a light sedative despite the fact that his partner was still unconscious. It took several long, tense minutes before Lea’s pulse slowed. Isa ignored the minor trembling in his hands. He felt useless and foolish; Isa had clung to the belief that Even and Ienzo would have a quick solution to remove the remnants of _Axel_ from Lea’s heart. Isa even briefly considered a situation similar to Sora and Roxas, where a replica could be used to house Axel’s heart. He had outright refused to accept that there was _nothing_ that could be done, and as that reality came crashing down all around him Isa reprimanded himself for ignoring the obvious signs that _something_ was amiss.

At first, Isa had written any oddities off as a consequence of Lea’s recompletion. After all, Isa was hardly the same sixteen-year-old boy he’d been before becoming Saïx. If Lea was a little quieter and more apt to approach problems more subtly rather than head-on as he once did, then perhaps that was just an effect of his being an adult. Later, Isa assumed Lea retained some of his Nobody’s mannerisms out of habit. After all, Lea’s preference for using Axel’s chakrams made sense; as Saïx fought with a blade, Isa knew he’d be hopeless trying to wield the redhead’s dual ranged weapons. He’d even disregarded Lea’s disconcerting nonchalance at being called ‘Axel’ as reflecting his lover’s “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality. Yet, as Isa watched Lea’s pale, unconscious form being hefted from the floor, he flinched with the realization that it wasn’t _just_ Lea he was staring at.

As Aeleus and Ienzo settled Lea on a spare cot, Isa felt Even’s frigid gaze settle on him.

“Come with me,” the scientist ordered. “You’re of no use here, so I may as give you an exam before you two run off again.” Isa didn’t want to leave Lea’s side, half-convinced he’d return only to find _Axel_ in his lover’s place, but he’d schemed with Even long enough to recognize the older man’s layered tone. With a curt nod to Ienzo, Isa followed Even into a nearby office.

However, he _was_ surprised when Even asked him to remove his shirt. “Just because I wanted to speak with you in private does not mean I cannot also conduct a medical examination,” Even scoffed. “As you are well aware, I am quite prodigious where multitasking is concerned.”

“Of course,” Isa replied, flinching at the scientist’s icy fingers. He’d grown accustomed to Lea’s fiery touch, and his new heart panged with loss. Still, Isa pushed those emotions aside. He _would not_ break in front of Even, former co-conspirator or no.

“Tell me, how have you been?” Even asked, pressing various instruments to Isa’s wrists and chest and _hmm-ing _with approval with each result. “Have you experienced any complications since recompleting? You and I are the only ones who underwent the process twice, however yours was far more—” Even paused, eyebrow cocked as he undoubtedly searched for the most insufferable word. “—_traumatic _than my own.”

Isa remained impassive. He lived with a couple of two-year-olds going on sixteen and was dating Lea. _Really_, Even should have known better than to try and fluster him. And it was a good thing, too, otherwise Isa might have betrayed something of the truth: that he _was_ experiencing complications, of a sort.

The blue-haired man wondered if his reluctance to acknowledge any ‘Axel’ mannerisms in Lea was an extension of his own denial. For weeks, Isa had ignored how waves of pure, blue-flame energy would suddenly overtake him, startling him out of sleep in the dead of night. Thankfully, Lea was a heavy sleeper and so he didn’t notice how Isa stole out of their temporary bed and into the backyard to expend all that excess energy against digitized Heartless. Isa could no longer summon his claymore, but even his bare hands tore through his conjured enemies like tissue paper. There was no rhyme or reason to these spikes, and Isa had tried everything he could think of to prevent them. He’d run until his lungs screamed for oxygen, rearranged furniture in both Xion and Roxas’s rooms under the auspices of making peace, made love to Lea until they could barely _move_, and yet the pulses continued. Worse, they grew more frequent.

It was only a matter of time until he was discovered. The thought of the teens—and _especially _Lea—looking at him with fear in their eyes, looking at him _as if he were Saïx… _Isa couldn’t stand it.

Even coughed pointedly, and Isa realized he’d taken too long to respond. He sighed, hoping his obvious fatigue would prove useful; Isa knew he was a _terrible_ actor. “This past day has been exhausting,” he said, not untruthfully. “I suppose it was too much to hope we could put all of this behind us.”

“Funny you should mention that,” Even remarked. The older man gestured for Isa to follow him, and the pair made their way further into the castle’s laboratories. As they walked, Isa tried not to let his thoughts wander to the last time he’d been led down these hallways.

(_His face itched with dried blood, the wound on his forehead split open once more as Lea’s screams echoed throughout the cold, dim hallways…)_

The blonde scientist stopped in front of a nondescript door. “Another mystery,” Even said—enigmatic—as he opened the door to reveal Demyx, unconscious and wan on an actual hospital bed. “He fell unconscious shortly after Xehanort was destroyed, and has yet to awaken,” Even explained. “Perhaps Axel’s manifestation will shed some light on his condition, hmm?”

Tearing his gaze from Demyx’s still form, Isa glared at Even. “I fail to see how that would be connected,” he all-but growled. Isa felt a twinge of emotion, one he’d quickly recognized as guilt, at Demyx’s condition. His Nobody had thought Demyx epitomized ‘useless,’ and in the end the musician’s incompetence had been vital to their betrayal. “Demyx was one of Xehanort’s vessels, as was Vexen,” Isa said, satisfied to see Even’s slight flinch. “Axel was never tainted by that darkness.”

“Ah, yes,” Even added, sounding far too intrigued for Isa’s liking. “A curious omission, wouldn’t you agree? Certainly, Axel was lacking in many dimensions—” at this, Isa _did_ growl “—but even I must admit he would have been a far better candidate than Demyx.”

Infuriating as Even was being, the older was closer to the truth than Isa cared to admit. After Lea had personally foiled Xehanort’s plot to make Sora into his thirteenth vessel, the man turned his sights to the former Nobody. After it was revealed that Lea had _somehow_ summoned a keyblade, it had taken all of Saïx’s extremely limited acting skills to persuade him not to target the redhead. Not that Even needed to know that. “Axel was a traitor to the original Organization,” he replied instead, “and was singularly focused on regaining his friends. Even Xehanort’s influence would not have made him loyal.”

“I see,” Even said, eyebrow cocked knowingly. Any further conversation was abruptly—_thankfully_—interrupted by Isa’s gummiphone chiming him with a notification from Ienzo. Lea’s heart-rate had come down, and he was now sleeping off the sedative he’d been given. With a few thumb-taps, Isa asked Ienzo if Lea could be moved. He’d had more than enough of the castle for quite some time, and moreover guessed that Lea would prefer waking up anywhere other than the laboratories. With Ienzo’s assurance that Lea was fine to travel, Isa gave Demyx’s still form a parting glance before asking Even to escort him back to the main lab.

As the pair walked, Isa couldn’t help but recall Saïx’s empty-yet-terrifying final days. Remembering his life as a Nobody was strange, like he’d had a twelve year out-of-body experience. Still, Isa recalled Saïx’s grim satisfaction at seeing Roxas and Xion, reformed and whole and at Lea’s side. And _Lea_, injured but still able to cradle Saïx in his arms as he returned to nonexistence, unrivaled green eyes bright with tears for _Isa_. Saïx faded knowing that his plan had worked, and that he’d protected the only thing that had ever mattered to him: _his heart_. _His Lea._

Isa should have known that fate would not be so kind to them.

* * *

Neither Lea nor Isa was comfortable accepting charity from Ansem the Wise, however they had few other options. Roxas, Xion, and Lea were adamant about moving to Twilight Town, while Isa was ambivalent. The days following his recompletion were a bit chaotic, with Isa still surprised he’d reformed at all. His only (unspoken) desire was to remain with Lea, a wish the redhead unknowingly fulfilled when he’d crawled into Isa’s bed the very first night after he returned. Yet unlike Radiant Garden, which had fallen into darkness, Twilight Town had remained in the light. As such, while Ansem could financially support the ragtag group, their housing and work options were limited by the fact that there were no legal records identifying any of them. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Isa’s bright blue hair was unheard of among Twilight Town’s populous. It irked him _immensely_ that everyone assumed he’d dyed his hair like some… miscreant.

Thankfully, Scrooge had vouched for them to rent a modest two-bedroom home in Sunset Terrace. While Isa would have preferred his own room with Lea, he understood his partner’s position that Roxas and Xion should have separate rooms to reinforce that they had identities distinct from Sora, Kairi, and—importantly—one another. Thus, he and Lea slept in the family room downstairs, with the unspoken agreement that once the teens had gone to bed they were to remain upstairs until morning. (Isa supposed he’d been lucky that it was Xion, rather than Roxas, that walked in on he and Lea together. Roxas might have destroyed him on sight.)

One condition of their tenancy was that he and Lea were to fix a myriad of issues the house had, and truthfully, Isa was thankful for the distraction. He found that keeping his hands and mind preoccupied with leaky faucets and cracked plaster he didn’t have so much time to think about how his nighttime fits were increasing in regularity and intensity, or how Lea was acting more like _Axel_ by the day. (Then again, being distracted led to his being regularly startled by Lea, who practically glided noiselessly from room to room.)

However, Isa’s busywork gave him ample time to sort his thoughts. Compared to Lea, who either spoke whatever was on his mind or languished in deep denial, Isa was a habitual over-analyzer. He’d imagined confessing his fears to Lea so many times, he was often surprised to remember that he hadn’t actually done so yet. But, whenever Isa decided _no more waiting_, the words froze in his throat and energy pulsed throughout this body. Then Lea would look at him, traces of _Axel _in every line of his body, and Isa… shut down. He just couldn’t handle both realities at once. (Perhaps Lea wasn’t the only one in their partnership who excelled at denial, after all.)

A couple of weeks later, Aqua, Terra, and Ventus came over to check-in with the three keyblade wielders (and, by extension, Isa). However, when Roxas’s off-hand question whether Lea could also dual-wield—_nah, Axel’s got his chakrams_—had electricity tingling along his fingers, Isa suggested to Lea that he, Roxas, and Xion show Ventus the Heartless replicator in the backyard under the auspices of clearing out the kitchen so he could distract himself with the fussy kitchen sink.

“It’s so much quieter with them outside,” Aqua remarked, hands curled around a mug of hot tea. “Are they always like this, or is it because there’s company?”

Smiling despite himself, Isa replied, “It’s usually worse. With Lea…” he trailed off, frowning as he tightened the faucet lever. Lea had always been affectionate towards Roxas and Xion, but Isa noticed he’d become even more touchy-feely since returning from Radiant Garden. He _knew_ he shouldn’t let it bother him, but… even though Saïx’s memories did not belong to Isa, they still felt like his. Pins and needles raced down his arms, and Isa fought the desire to shake his limbs out.

“How are things with him?” Terra asked from where he stood, leaning against the countertop opposite Aqua. “I know we’re not exactly… friends,” the brown-haired man said, “but I have some of _his_ memories. I remember in the Organization, how close your Nobodies were.”

“I wasn’t certain how much you remembered,” Isa admitted. Being around Terra was strange, because he looked like _Xehanort_, the apprentice who had stolen his and Lea’s hearts, and _Xemnas_, who’d further twisted and broken them. Yet, it seemed he was the only person who knew what Saïx had gone through, what he’d done. Isa felt a grim sense of camaraderie knowing that. “It’s been… difficult. Sometimes, I find myself checking my gummiphone on the off-chance that Ienzo or Even have discovered a cure after all, and we can go back to the way things were.”

A loud _crash_ in the backyard startled Isa, who looked out the window to see Ventus and Roxas’s identical looks of shocked guilt, a patio table cut cleanly in half by an errant keyblade. Nearby, Lea laughed, Axel’s chakram spinning idly in his left hand. That Lea could so casually summon his Nobody weapons without first calling his keyblade sent chills down Isa’s spine, and before he stop it the feeling grew into a surge that traveled through his arms and fingers into the steel faucet. There was a shock of blue light, and suddenly Isa was being drenched in lukewarm water.

“Blizzara!”

The literal _geyser_ of water from the broken sink immediately froze. Likewise, Isa felt frozen, staring at the lingering wisps of blue-tinged fire that danced off his fingertips. Distantly, he was aware of Terra beside him, keyblade out and glowing red as he soldered the piping shut.

“Isa?” A voice. Aqua. “Isa, look at me.” The energy faded, and with it Isa felt his bodily control returning. It felt _almost_ like his… _Saïx’s_ rage-fueled state, except less defined. However, before Isa could ponder that revelation, he heard Lea’s voice coming closer. No doubt his lover had heard all the commotion. With only seconds to spare, Isa begged Aqua and Terra, “Don’t say anything, please.” The pair barely had time to nod in agreement before Lea burst into the kitchen, three teens on his heels.

“What happened!?” Lea asked, incredulous as he surveyed the busted sink and his sodden lover.

Thankfully, whatever remnants of berserk energy—_no point in denying it any longer, Isa_—had dissipated, and Isa hoped if his voice sounded shaky it would be attributed to the suddenness of—“the water pipes burst.”

“Uh, yeah? I kinda figured that one out myself,” Lea replied. “How?”

Before Isa could respond, Aqua interrupted him. “That was my fault, sorry. We were talking, and I probably distracted Isa while he was tightening the faucet.” The look Isa gave her was deeply relieved. Isa was a _terrible _liar, and any excuse he came up with would just make Lea more suspicious. However, his partner seemed to buy Aqua’s fib.

“Well then, I guess I should thank you,” Lea said, nervously scratching the back of his head. “Now I don’t feel so bad telling you what happened to the table.” Considering the amount of property damage they’d amassed in such a short period of time, the Wayfarers opted to cut their visit short. Roxas and Xion were disappointed, and while Lea echoed their protests, Isa could tell that he was on edge. Isa was, too. He didn’t get the opportunity to explain himself to Aqua or Terra. After they left Isa felt the weight of his secrecy and (partial) exposure like a tangible heaviness, until several hours later, when his gummiphone pinged with a new message: _If you need a safe place to practice your magic, or even just to talk, you’re always welcome to stay with us for a few days. I hope you consider it._

At last, his secret was out. Isa wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not that Lea still had no idea.

* * *

With each day that passed, Isa could feel the distance between he and Lea growing wider. He hated it, not least of all because he felt responsible for it. That had been especially evident one night when Lea had reached out to him, shy want in his eyes, and Isa had turned away. Lea had apologetically stammered out a response—_no, yeah, I get it. Love you, Isa_—but Isa wasn’t blind. He could see the confused hurt in his lover’s eyes. His doubt, and his fear. It made Isa feel so selfish to deny Lea when the redhead so clearly needed him, except…

Whenever Isa looked at Lea anymore, all he could see was _Axel. _

Honestly, it shouldn’t have mattered. Even if things had gone exactly as Isa had planned, Lea would still have Axel’s body just as _Isa_ had _Saïx’s_. Likewise, he’d have Axel’s memories just as Isa did his Nobody’s. And Saïx had been infatuated, borderline-obsessed with Axel, and later, Lea. The Diviner had seen Axel as his weapon against Xemnas, and a reminder of his former life as a Somebody. Saïx had felt inexorably drawn to Axel, and _that_ was precisely Isa’s problem. Saïx hadn’t known it, but Isa did: his Nobody had developed _feelings_ for Axel, well before the fire-wielder had shown even the slightest hint of emotion.

In retrospect, it all made sense. Saïx had been chosen for a vessel early, second only after Xigbar. It didn’t matter that his Nobody never grew a heart of his own; he’d carried a piece of Xehanort’s. Even the darkest of hearts still feel lust, rage, and jealousy, and Saïx had felt all three for Axel. The memories Saïx kept from Isa merely intensified how connected he was to Axel, but it was clear to the Diviner that Axel hadn’t felt the same. Hadn’t _felt_ at all, really. The spark Isa so adored was absent in Axel’s acid-green eyes, his smirk more sinister than charmingly obnoxious. Saïx had longed to be whole, countless hours spent watching an ever-growing Kingdom Hearts, but Axel acted as though he didn’t (_couldn’t_) care if he ever recovered his heart. Of course Xehanort _knew_ how Saïx felt—how could he not, when the feelings emerged from his _own_ fractured heart?—and he manipulated Isa’s Nobody accordingly. His anger drove Saïx to be cruel, tearing into Axel with claws and teeth and pointed words. He’d wanted to _consume_ Axel, and all the while the redhead remained unchanged, expression the same regardless of the blood that stained his clothes.

When Isa looked at Lea, he saw Axel as he’d been, and it sent chills like blue-tingled flame down his spine.

In the end, it wasn’t a difficult decision. Not really. They were caught in a cyclical pattern; whenever Isa saw more of _Axel_ reflected in Lea, he felt the internal pressure climb. As it grew harder and harder to control—and therefore hide—the berserk power building inside, Isa’s instinctive withdrawal only seemed to further agitate Lea. And so, after another sleepless night where the inches between his and Lea’s bodies felt like _miles_, Isa knew it was time.

He waited until Lea was distracted with getting Roxas and Xion ready for school to begin packing a small travel bag. Isa knew he should have spoken to Lea first, but in truth he just… needed to leave. Isa felt weighed down and overwhelmed. He’d only _just_ recompleted, barely scraping by with two teenagers and Lea in a foreign world. All Isa wanted was to leave the past—Xemnas, the Organization, Axel and Saïx—behind, but it dogged his every waking moment. If he couldn’t save Lea, the least he could do was control and contain himself. In order to do that he would have to leave.

Still, Isa was not surprised when Lea’s voice interrupted his packing, voice high-pitched and clearly panicked. “You’re not leaving?”

Isa didn’t dare look up, couldn’t _stand_ to see Lea upset when he knew it was his fault. “It’s only for a few days,” he said. “I’ll be in the Land of Departure with Master Aqua. She’s offered to assess my magical abilities to see if I retain any of Saïx’s propensities in that regard.” A half-truth, but it was all Isa could bear to admit.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Lea asked. “I would have come with you.” Isa’s hands shook as he continued folding clothes into the small bag. He felt _terrible_, but Isa could see no other option. Until he confronted his own demons, he was useless to Lea. It _had_ to be this way. Isa _had_ to do this alone.

“I know.” Isa paused, collecting his uncertain thoughts. “But I need this, Lea.” He dropped the last of his clothing into the bag, and with his free hand gestured toward the physical space that separated them. “All of _this_, it’s overwhelming me. I won’t be gone long, just…” Isa sighed. “I need to get away.”

There was a moment of awkward, painful silence before Lea replied. “What does your heart say?”

Isa choked on the words he wanted to say: _Don’t let me leave. _Never, not in _either_ of his lives, had Isa felt such heartache. Tears welled in his eyes as Isa swallowed the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. Sparks flared, deep inside. Isa did not want to leave, but neither did he want Lea to change… to become someone else, someone he—

With a quiet exhale, Isa packed the few remaining items he would need for his trip. Neither of them spoke until his gummiphone _chirped_, a message from Terra displayed on the screen. Isa swiped at his eyes, and hoped his voice wouldn’t break. “Terra just arrived at the Old Mansion. Would you please tell Roxas and Xion goodbye for me?”

“You—” Lea began, voice thick and desperate. “You haven’t changed your mind?”

“Oh, Lea.” Isa couldn’t bear it anymore. He turned towards Lea, bag tossed over his shoulder. His lover looked a mess, face red and splotchy, but Isa doubted he looked any better. “I made you a promise, didn’t I? This is just an obstacle, and we will overcome this.” For the first time in weeks, since he learned there wasn’t a cure for Lea’s… predicament, Isa allowed himself to hope. They’d come too far, gone through too much to let this destroy them. “Forever, right?”

Isa pulled Lea into a passionate kiss that left his lips tingling, even long after he boarded the gummiship.


	6. [interlude ii] often go awry

The Land of Departure was bright, almost _too_ bright for Isa’s twilight-adjusted eyes. Like being in Radiant Garden, the colors stood out so vividly it looked more dreamlike than real. He’d just enjoyed a quiet and comfortable meal with Ventus, Terra, and Aqua, but Isa still felt unsettled as he wandered the castle halls. It didn’t… feel right, how he’d left things with Lea. Didn’t feel right being away from him at all, actually.

Blue flashed in his periphery, and Isa flinched. However, it wasn’t the berserk’s power that he’d seen so much as _himself_, reflected in one of the mirrors that lined the walls.

Isa took a tentative step forward to rest his fingers against the glass surface. It still caught him off-guard sometimes, his reflection. And, it wasn’t just the teal eyes or his scarred visage. There were days when Isa barely recognized the reserved-looking man he’d grown into. He’d never admit it to Lea—it was far too embarrassing—but sometimes Isa _forgot_ he wasn’t a skinny sixteen-year-old anymore. That sometimes when he looked at Roxas and Xion he resented them for their youth, the adolescence Isa felt he and Lea were entitled to.

“It gets me sometimes, too.” Isa had been so lost in thought he hadn’t heard Terra approach, and he jumped at the younger (_older_) man’s voice. “Sorry,” Terra apologized when he realized he’d startled Isa.

“It’s fine,” Isa replied, his eyes meeting Terra’s in the mirror. “I was… lost, you could say. In my memories.”

Terra nodded. “I understand. I don’t remember much from when I was,” he paused, exhaling shakily, “possessed. But there are times when I look in a mirror, and it’s like I expect to see _him_.”

“Xemnas,” Isa said. Terra tensed, clearly uncomfortable, and nodded again.

“Yeah. Although, it’s strange to know what I’ll look like in ten years. Except with, you know, brown hair,” he added, laughing softly to release the tension. “I’ll bet it’s different for you. All the other Nobodies aged, or even grew up in the Organization.”

It _was_ different, although Isa thought he preferred it that way. Certainly, there were times when he let himself imagine a world in which he, Lea, and even Ienzo were recompleted as they were when they first lost their hearts. How different would their second chance, or Isa’s atonement, look if that were the case? But when he thought of his own guilt, or the haunted expression that sometimes dulled Lea’s brilliant green eyes… it almost tarnished his memories of their early teens.

“It’s for the best,” Isa said after a long pause. “The weight of all those years would be too much for children to carry.” That, and some of the _activities_ his Nobody and Axel had gotten up to in those hollow years, not to mention all they’d done together since reforming… yes. It was _much_ better to be full-grown adults, even if the price had been nearly unbearable.

Terra looked pensive. “Maybe, but that shouldn’t keep you from letting that weight go,” he said. “Aqua is always reminding me that the past doesn’t determine our destinies. She’s right, like always,” Terra added with a soft smile, “but I still need to be told that every now and then. Don’t be surprised if she gives you the same advice.” Terra clapped a strong hand on Isa’s back, then continued down the hall.

Isa gave his reflection a final cursory glance, then continued on to his room as well. Objectively, he understood that he needed to process his guilt and move on, but the task seemed impossible. Saïx might not have been Isa, but Isa still carried his Nobody’s memories and it sickened him. He’d lied, manipulated, and hurt people in pursuit of his own objectives—he’d _used_ Lea, rather Axel, like a weapon. Like a personal possession. But Saïx had been prepared to handle that guilt, and had rejoined the Organization with the express intent to make it up to Lea by giving him all he’d ever wanted: his best friends. His Nobody had expected to suffer for his own atonement, but what neither Saïx nor Isa had expected was that _Lea_ would end up paying for Saïx’s crimes. Would Axel have grown a heart of his own if Saïx hadn’t tasked him with watching the keybearers? What if his efforts to save Axel from becoming one of Xehanort’s vessels was what damned Lea to a half-life, a half-heart shared with a remorseless assassin… a killer Saïx had helped to create?

His throat burned with sobs he refused to voice, and Isa’s vision blurred as he reached his door. He let himself into the room, eyes landing on the bed. Isa _missed_ Lea, wanted nothing more than to curl up with his lover in his arms. Swiping his eyes, Isa impulsively sent Lea a message: _I love you. _Less than a minute later, his gummiphone pinged with an incoming message: _ILU2_. Unbidden, the mental image of Lea—carefree and _young_—came to him, and Isa felt the dam inside break, blue sparks on the tips of his fingers as Isa buried his face into a pillow and wept.

* * *

“Can you tell me a bit more about your powers as a Nobody?” Aqua asked. The sun shone bright, incessantly so, and it felt like needles being driven into Isa’s pounding head. Even though sleeping beside Lea had become stressful as of late, Isa still missed his partner’s warm body next to him. After crying for what seemed like hours, Isa spent the rest of the night tossing and turning. If it weren’t for the messages he and Lea had been exchanging off-and-on, Isa would have already asked one of the Wayfarers to take him back to Twilight Town.

Still, Isa had work to do. “It was the light of Kingdom Hearts that fueled Saïx’s abilities,” he replied. Unlike most of the former Organization members, Isa rarely referred to his Nobody self as _him_; he didn’t (_couldn’t_) deny his actions as Saïx, but it was easier to handle his guilt over those actions by putting some distance between _Isa_ and _Saïx_. “My Nobody channeled its rage into a type of magical attack. The Sup— _Xemnas_,” Isa corrected himself, “called it ‘berserk.’”

Aqua bit her lip. Isa could see he’d made her nervous, and he tried not to let it bother him. He needed to trust that she could help him, _needed_ to. “That’s… a lot of power for anybody, Nobody or not, to contain,” she said.

“I… Saïx couldn’t control it,” Isa admitted. “Saïx was able to expand some of that magic through his weapon, but once Xehanort—” Isa felt his breath speed up, nervous energy _literally_ crackling throughout his body. Why was it so damned hard to talk about this? He grit his teeth and forced himself to continue. “Once Xehanort made Saïx a vessel, Xemnas was able to cont—” Isa’s eyes clenched shut as a wave of magical energy suddenly built, painful and tight in his chest. “C-control it…”

Delicate hands suddenly gripped his, and Isa fought the urge to snarl at the keyblade master. He would _not_ act like some sort of rabid beast, like someone’s _pet_. “Isa,” Aqua said, voice calm yet as strong as steel. “I know it’s difficult, but you need to let yourself feel this. If you push these emotions away, they will only come back stronger and they _will_ overtake you.”

Every part of Isa felt tense. Tight. He wanted to laugh, or perhaps scream. He’d gone _ten years_ without feeling anything more than borrowed rage and jealousy, he barely knew what these feelings were. How in _all the worlds_ was he supposed to just… let himself feel?

With his eyes screwed shut, Isa wasn’t able to see the effects of his emotional turmoil: how blue flames that crackled like electricity began to engulf his shaking frame, Aqua’s breath visible as a sudden chill set in. A steady _hum_ filled the room, and Aqua’s fingers twitched as if tempted to summon her keyblade. Then her lips quirked as if struck by a sudden, borderline _crazy_, idea.

“How long have you been with Lea?” Aqua asked, the question so far afield it grounded Isa immediately. The berserker rush fell away, almost as if the mere _thought_ of Lea was bright enough to keep the cold and darkness at bay. Aqua took a shaky breath, and added, “I thought I lost you for a second there.”

“S-sorry,” Isa said, panting like he’d sprinted a marathon. “It’s been… b-building for some, some time. I did not r-rest well last night.”

Aqua nodded, but her eyes looked sad. Isa hoped it wasn’t _pity_ she felt for him. “Confronting difficult emotions is hard enough when you’re well-rested.” She looked down to her hands, still holding Isa’s, and murmured the incantation for a small healing spell. Isa felt the cool sensation of the magic wash over him, so unlike the icy rage and terror he’d just barely held back. “But I think that’s what is causing this. Even without Kingdom Hearts or _Master Xehanort_ around—” Isa caught a bit of uncharacteristic anger in Aqua’s voice at the old master’s name, and oddly enough it made him feel a bit better. “—your body was a conduit for powerful magics for years. There’s _no one_ who wouldn’t be affected by that.”

“What… what are you saying?” Isa asked, afraid to meet Aqua’s eyes. But the keyblade master smiled, calm and reassuring.

“It’s your emotions, Isa. This isn’t elemental magic, it’s wild. It’s, for lack of a better term, heart magic.” Fingers tightened around Isa’s. “But you _can_ learn to control it, I know you can.”

Isa felt his eyes widen in shock. Wild magic? _Heart magic? Him? _Like the bright lights and vivid colors, the concept was so foreign as to seem utterly dreamlike. Even still, he felt something dangerously close to _hope_. “Are you telling me that if I learn to control my emotions, then I’ll be able to stop these… outbursts?”

“Isa,” Aqua scolded him, “no. I’m telling you that you need to let yourself feel, _truly feel_ your emotions. You have to let yourself be scared. Be angry. Sad. But also happy,” she added. “You need to let yourself feel, even if you don’t think it’s fair or if you deserve it. You can’t keep letting the past define your destiny.”

Despite himself, Isa smiled. “Ah yes,” he said. “Terra warned me you might offer that advice.”

“He should!” Aqua replied, her own smile broadening. “He hears it enough.” Whatever lingering tension faded, and the pair shared relieved laughter. Isa knew he would need to process everything later, but for the moment he felt too jittery to give more thought to what Aqua had said. Thankfully, the young woman understood this, and delicately switched topics. “You know,” she said slyly. “You haven’t answered my question yet. About you and Lea.”

Isa smiled. “Lea and I have been together since I was fourteen, and him thirteen.” _Not including the ten years we lost_, Isa thought, but just as quickly let it pass. That, like Aqua’s advice, was a topic better left for another time.

Aqua gave him a low whistle. “That’s quite a long time,” she said, good-naturedly. “It almost reminds me of some of the fairy-tale romances I used to read about when I was little.” Her faint blush suggested she _still_ read some of those silly little romance stories. Still, Isa was more concerned with concealing his own embarrassed flush. _Imagine that_, he and Lea—star-crossed lovers? He’d think it absurd if he wasn’t so enamored by the idea.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘romantic,’” Isa replied. “We were a pair of misfits, opposites in practically every way.” That much was true; where Lea had always been adaptable and impulsive, Isa was highly-organized and stubborn. It was a trait that had carried over to their Nobodies; where Axel was chaos, Saïx valued order above all else.

“Isn’t there a saying that opposites attract?” Aqua teased. His fellow blue-haired grinned at him, sappy romantic streak all-but confirmed. “How did your relationship start?” She winced slightly, at last drawing her hands back to rest in her lap. “Sorry, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable with all these questions. I just… missed out on so much, growing up here.”

Maybe it should have bothered Isa to talk about Lea given all the troubles they had been having. However, Isa found his reminiscing cathartic. “No, it’s fine. Truthfully, I haven’t thought about it in such a long time.” He smiled. “Our relationship never ‘started,’ at least not in the traditional sense. We met shortly after Lea transferred into my year in school. He was twelve, and most of our classmates avoided him because he wasn’t a teenager yet.” The adults shared a laugh; _it’s funny, _he thought, _how something so insignificant can matter so much when one is still so young._

“I— well, I suppose it’s fair to say I was somewhat of a loner. Lea must have approached me out of sheer desperation. I don’t think I even acknowledged him the first time he tried to talk to me.” The more he spoke about it, the more details Isa remembered. Honestly, he’d spared the energetic newcomer little thought at first. Like Lea, Isa was bored by school, but rather than apply himself to skip ahead as the younger had, the blue-haired youth instead daydreamed through his classes. He had few, if any friends, as most of his classmates annoyed him with their childish dramatics and boring hobbies. Isa wanted to uncover long-lost treasures, travel to the furthest stars, or—at the very least—sneak into Radiant Garden’s iconic castle. Lea, he’d come to learn, was equally ambitious. That, and his charming smile quickly broke through Isa’s walls.

“Eventually, we became friends, and then best friends.” Again, Isa chuckled. Why had _that_ label ever seemed so important? Since reforming, Isa hadn’t _once_ thought of Lea as his ‘best friend’—he much preferred to think of him as his partner, his lover, _his heart-mate_. “Then, one day when I was fourteen, he told me I was his boyfriend. I had no objections, and that was that.” Actually, _that_ revelation preceded Isa’s one-and-only melodramatic teenage meltdown as he stewed and fretted and panicked for hours about his sexuality, his desires, and how _vulnerable_ Lea made him feel. Of course, he never told Lea about that… nor his half-delirious decision, made just as the first rays of dawn poured into his childhood bedroom, that one day he was going to marry the obnoxious redhead.

With a start, Isa realized that he’d drifted again. Judging by the smug look on Aqua’s face, he’d outed himself to her as a fellow romantic sap. His cheeks flushed deep red with embarrassment. “Last question, I promise,” Aqua said, still grinning. “Who said ‘I love you’ first?”

A chill ran through Isa, as though he’d been doused in freezing water. His smile faded, as did Aqua’s as she realized her innocent question had inadvertently triggered painful memories. “I did,” Isa said, voice low. “In the lab, just before…” He inhaled, then exhaled slowly to calm himself. Isa felt a soft, comforting hand on his shoulder. He looked over to meet Aqua’s concerned gaze. “They kept us in separate cells, so I didn’t see his face when I said it. I thought, I thought they were going to kill us, and I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. He said it back, and then…” Isa’s eyes burned, tears threatening. “That was the last thing we said to one another as Somebodies.”

“Oh, Isa. I’m so sorry,” Aqua apologized as the first tears rolled down Isa’s cheeks. His shoulders shook with sobs as Aqua gathered him into her arms, her warmth a comforting presence as he grieved. Between his recompletion, his reunion with Lea, and _everything_ that had come since, Isa hadn’t let himself mourn his—_their_ youthful loss of innocence. Isa felt the telling energy building, but before he could tamp it down Aqua spoke again. “Shh, Isa. I know it’s hard, but let yourself feel this. Let yourself grieve. I’m here.”

If asked, Isa could not have said what made _that_ moment so different from his earlier outburst, but regardless he was able to just… let go. He crumpled, wet sobs muffled in Aqua’s embrace. Isa wept, for Lea, for himself, for all they had lost and everything still at sake. He even grieved for Axel, the Nobody Saïx had used and hurt out of his desperate infatuation. It _hurt_, but Isa felt the crackling power dissipate in the face of his overwhelming sadness.

“I-is,” his voice hitched, “is it always l-like… like this?” Isa could feel Aqua shake her head, and the keyblade master ran her fingers through his hair. It was comforting.

“Not always,” she replied. “But, Isa? You don’t need to keep it all bottled up inside. You can share the hurt with others. I know it sounds scary, but you can trust me.” A pause, then, “Trust _Lea_, even if you can’t trust yourself just yet.”

The tears faded and his sobs subsided, and Isa retreated to his room for the rest of the morning to rest, recover, and reflect on Aqua’s advice. Her words were supported by what little he knew about wild magic; it was fueled by emotions, a truth that made Isa highly uncomfortable. He’d never been the best at controlling his emotions, and that was _before_ he lost his heart for over a decade. But more than that, he was uncertain how to follow Aqua’s suggestion about burdening _anyone_, let alone Lea, with his emotional turmoil. Hadn’t he already caused Lea enough problems? How could he, in good conscience, add _this_ to everything else Lea was going through with Axel?

Isa couldn’t, but he _could_ be honest with Lea. After all, it was the least he could do. Isa had gone so far as to type the message into his gummiphone—_There is something I need to tell you. It seems that I have kept Saïx’s berserker abilities, but I am working on controlling it_—before he realized that _this_ was not a conversation to have over text. Isa deleted the message, and instead sent Lea: _How has your day been so far? I miss you, but I will be coming home soon. _

* * *

It had all happened _so quickly_. One moment, Isa was trying to confess to Lea, and the next he was buried inside his lover. He’d felt the berserk power rising inside him the second he laid eyes on the massive, mottled scar that dominated Lea’s right flank. Isa knew his eyes were glowing bright and unnatural, the memories of Saïx’s betrayed rage at odds with the profound sadness Isa felt knowing that he—or rather, a version of himself—had caused such a grievous wound. Had wounded _Axel_, who slept in and was inseparable from Lea’s heart.

Yet, Isa still allowed himself to be seduced. It had been _so long_. Isa was so weak to Lea, and had missed his touch so, _so_ much. Isa thought he could hide the berserker from Lea by turning him away, but that had only made it worse. Suddenly, Lea had been gasping, sobbing, and shaking underneath him. He’d run for the bathroom, audibly sick, leaving Isa alone, naked and ashamed.

Saïx had been a monster. And in that moment Isa felt like one, as well. 

That night Isa stood vigil as Roxas and Xion first tried to draw out an unresponsive Lea then, failing that, fell into a fitful slumber together on Roxas’s bed. Isa must have drifted off at some point as well, as he was woken by Lea the next morning with a quiet, “It’s okay.”

For the next several days, Isa saw naught but traces of his wayward lover: a glimpse of red hair across the yard, or the drifting sound of his voice. Isa might have been annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that, on the one hand, Lea was _also_ hiding from Roxas and Xion, and on the other hand, the blue-haired so _desperately_ wanted to speak to him about his first night back. That, in addition to telling Lea about the wild magic that coursed through his body.

Thankfully, Terra and Aqua helped Isa manage his feelings: of impotence, of grief, and most of all, fear. The three kept up a steady stream of messages, and Isa was relieved that they’d be at the party later that evening. The two keyblade wielders encouraged Isa to be frank, and not to censor himself. While Roxas and (especially) Xion had grown on him, they were still children in his eyes. Without Lea, Isa was desperate for adult friends to whom he could go to for advice who weren’t, well, _Even_.

_Perhaps I should let Lea come to me? _he typed, watching Xion and Roxas bicker over the arrangement of their backyard furniture out of the corner of his eye. He’d step in if he heard the telltale sounds of keyblades manifesting, but until then Isa thought it was good for the teens to argue like the siblings they (perhaps) were. As usual, Lea was nowhere to be found, although Xion mentioned earlier that he’d gone into town to purchase more decorations. _I have no clue what’s going on inside his head. Or his heart._

Aqua replied, _I don’t know Lea hardly at all, but it sounds like he’s avoiding everyone because he’s afraid. Does that sound like him? If so, I don’t know how he’d stop being afraid all on his own._

_I’ve never known him to be afraid, _Isa added. At least, not of something like this. (The labs and experiments notwithstanding.) _However, his aptitude for denial is impressive. He knows that we need to talk, so maybe that’s it? In any case, I’m still unsure what the best move is._

Maybe Isa should have felt guilt for sharing so many private details of his and Lea’s life with two people his partner barely knew, but Isa needed a plan. Without it, he worried that he’d give into his basest emotions and let the monster out. Lea had his Nobody forced upon him, and there was nothing that could be done about it, but Isa had the choice to be different from Saïx. This time, he’d make it right.

“Whoa! Careful, that stuff came with the place. You tryin’ to cost us our deposit?” Isa’s ears perked as Lea’s cheerful voice carried across the backyard. It was the first time he’d seen the redhead in days. Even from a distance, Isa’s eyes zeroed in on the fading mark he’d left on Lea’s neck. He’d been so lost in that moment, the sheer _relief_ of touching and kissing and feeling Lea again…

Lea was headed directly for the kitchen, and despite how badly Isa wanted to see and talk to his lover, Isa panicked. He wasn’t ready for Lea to see him _like this_, consumed by his errant emotions. Isa forced the magics down, the effort dizzying but effective. He had just enough time to grab his gummiphone off the kitchen table before Lea let himself in, Isa ducking past the younger man and into the backyard without a word. Isa knew how bad that had probably looked, but he couldn’t help but feel hurt that Lea hadn’t tried to stop him, to say _anything at all_ to him. For all their differences, in this regard Isa and Lea were unerringly similar.

The device vibrated in Isa’s hands, signaling an incoming message. Before he could check it, Xion said to him, “Isa, could you _please_ tell Roxas that the food can’t be in the middle of the yard?” Ah, so _that_ was what the argument had been about. Glad for the distraction, Isa turned toward the blonde teen, but he was interrupted before he had the chance to speak.

“That’s not fair, Xi. Isa _never_ agrees with me,” Roxas whined. Somewhat miffed, Isa crossed his arms. His—for lack of a better term—“relationship” with Roxas was vexing, as the younger wavered from begrudging acceptance to outright hostility. Hells, the _one time_ Isa had ever gotten a smile from Roxas had been because he’d brought the young man ice cream after both Lea and Xion forgot. However, since Isa returned from the Land of Departure Roxas had acted even more aggressive towards him than usual.

Still, extending an olive branch wouldn’t hurt, or so Isa hoped. “What is your reason for situating the food in the middle of the guests, Roxas?”

“It’s obvious! If the food is with everyone, then no one has to leave in order to eat,” Roxas huffed.

Isa heaved a mental sigh. He wished he could agree with Roxas, if only as a token gesture of good will, but: “I understand your position, however it will be less of a hassle if the food is closer to the kitchen.”

“See! Isa _never_ agrees with me,” Roxas complained as Xion tossed him a smug grin. The blonde rolled his eyes, but Isa was spared whatever vitriol the teen no-doubt had in store for him by the doorbell. The first guests had arrived, it seemed.

“Roxas, would you please see who is at the door?” Isa asked. Roxas glared, but did as he’d been asked; Isa could tell the young man was excited to see who was at the door, but he didn’t want it to look like he _wanted_ to do what Isa said. Giggling, Xion skipped inside after Roxas. _Kingdom Hearts give me the strength to make it through this evening, _Isa prayed. His gummiphone vibrated once more, reminding him of the unread message.

_This might sound extreme, but have you considered locking him in a room with you? Or tying him down so that he has to listen to you? _Isa frowned as a heated flush burned his cheeks. While he could not discern whether Terra was being serious or teasing him, Isa’s imagination unhelpfully supplied several… _considerations_ he’d had in the past involving himself, Lea, and a few silk ties. Or perhaps, something stronger. Rougher. (Isa was not Saïx, and as such was _somewhat_ jealous of the more _adventurous_ sex life his Nobody and Lea’s had together.) The thought brought on another bout of guilt however, and with a sigh Isa put the device away. Isa heard Xion’s voice, bright and excited, shout, “Let’s go to the party!”

Funny, how five words could produce so much anxiety in Isa’s new heart.

While ostensibly Isa’s ‘Welcome Home’ party, the blue-haired spent most of the festivities at the edges of the partygoers, many of whom had been his, rather _Saïx’s _enemies only months prior. Instead, Isa busied himself with hosting duties; he hung guest’s jackets in the hallway closet, he made sure the food table was well-stocked, and most importantly, he watched Lea. His partner looked to be in his element, floating from group to group with an easy smile on his face. However, Isa knew Lea better than anyone. The redhead was tense, his smile strained. Lea was unusually quiet. As Isa fretted over whether or not he should go to him, a warm hand clapped on his back.

“You look a little wound up,” Terra said, kind smile at odds with the expressionless face Saïx had associated with the younger (older) man. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m not fond of crowds,” Isa admitted. It was the truth, albeit that was not the heart of the matter. Isa sighed. It was difficult, he decided, to be open and honest about one’s feelings. “Lea is tense, as well. I’m not sure whether this is the best time to confront him.”

Terra squeezed Isa’s shoulder before letting his hand drop. “Maybe not, but then again, is later any better? You need to talk to him, Isa.” Terra’s brown eyes narrowed slightly. “Does Lea normally drink… a lot?”

Concerned, Isa turned just in time to watch as Lea finished gulping down a cup of alcoholic cider, only to immediately pour himself another generous serving. Isa left Terra without answering, earlier worries forgotten as new anxieties sprouted. Neither he nor Lea were avid drinkers, and with his slight frame Lea was a notorious lightweight. “Lea,” Isa called, catching his partner’s gaze. Lea’s eyes widened, before he tipped his cup all the way back. By the time Isa reached Lea, he’d already poured another glass.

Before Lea could take another sip, Isa pulled the cup out of his hand and set it on the table. “Lea, that’s enough,” he said. Terra’s words echoed in his mind, _is later any better? _Lea’s obvious distress cemented Isa’s resolve. No more waiting. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Oh? And here, w—” Lea’s voice hitched strangely. Isa wondered just how much he’d had to drink. “I thought you wanted to spend the night chatting with your new best friend?”

Isa felt the beginnings of frustrated agitation set in, but he refused to acknowledge it. Lea was not like Isa in this regard; he’d never known his lover to struggle with jealousy. “You won’t annoy me into arguing with you. We need to talk,” Isa added, hoping to convince Lea to step inside with him. The last thing Isa wanted was to cause a scene.

“We’re at a party,” Lea snipped. Perhaps it was Isa’s imagination, or maybe it was the alcohol, but… Lea hardly sounded like himself. His voice was oddly insincere, eerily reminiscent of—“Your party, remember?” Suddenly, Lea’s body language shifted into a more familiar—if tired—pose. “We can talk after, I swear.”

Isa shook his head, and reached for Lea’s shoulders. “I didn’t want to do this now, you know. But I can’t trust that you won’t start hiding again as soon as this ends.” Again, Lea’s entire posture changed. Isa could see his partner getting more defensive, but it was more than that. It was the loose manner in which he held himself, a false relaxed stance that could _snap_ into sharp, burning metal in an instant. Isa felt his chest tighten. All the signs were there but he couldn’t, _wouldn’t _accept the obvious. “Lea, I need to tell you—”

“Axel, check this out!” Roxas appeared next to Lea, tugging insistently on his shirtsleeve. Isa could not stop himself from glaring at the younger man. Heavier, angrier emotions mounted inside Isa. Roxas scoffed, the juvenile display agitating Isa further. “You’ve had _forever_ to talk to him, Isa. Can’t it wait until the party’s over?”

“Uh, maybe later, Roxas,” Lea said, but Isa hardly heard him over the sound of blood rushing in time with his racing heart. Over the din, Isa heard Roxas whine plaintively, but it wasn’t his tone that set Isa off. Rather, it was the blonde’s use of Lea’s other name: _Axel_.

“_Lea._” Blue eyes met Isa’s teal, unwavering. Isa’s breath quickened as the tingling he’d been free of since the Land of Departure returned. Isa wanted to scream, wanted to grab Roxas and shake him and make him understand that _it wasn’t fair_. It wasn’t _fair_ that he got to have his youth, wasn’t fair that he got to have Lea _and_ Axel, wasn’t _fair_ that Isa was trying… that Isa was trying so. Damn. Hard.

Lea must have said something, but Isa couldn’t make out the words. The next sound he registered was his lover’s voice, choked and pleading. “It’s okay, Isa,” Lea said. He turned his focus from Roxas to Lea, his wrist in Xion’s hand. Distantly, Isa noticed that everyone was staring. The edges of his vision began to blur. “I don’t mind being called ‘Axel.’”

It was the last thing Isa wanted, could stand to hear. He dashed forward, displacing Xion’s delicate grip as he took Lea’s hands into his own. “Stop it,” he pleaded. “Just… stop. You’re Lea.” Isa searched his lover’s eyes. He hadn’t felt so afraid, so _desperate_ for Lea since the laboratories. Since he’d told Lea he loved him, before being dragged off. Before Isa lost _everything_. “You’re Lea.”

But it wasn’t _Lea_ who shouted, “No, _we’re_ not!” Isa met Axel’s furious gaze, and for a moment time stopped. There was nothing of Lea in Axel’s voice, his body, his eyes… Isa stared down the person Saïx had toyed with and cut down, and the tide crashed over him. With what little presence of mind he still had, Isa dropped _Axel’s_ hands and made for the woods just behind the house. He needed to put at much distance between himself and everyone else, because Isa could _feel_ the moon’s light shine down on his shaking body and he could _feel_ the world falling away as blue lightning crackled and hissed all around him and—

“_Stopga!_”

It was as if Isa were a meteorite that crashed into his own body. His entire body ached like he’d gone twelve rounds against Lexaeus. His breath reverberated, loud and harsh, in his ears. At last his eyes focused, and Isa found himself in a wide circle of burnt grass and smoldering saplings that extended several meters out in a perfect circle. Along the periphery stood Terra and Aqua, keyblades drawn.

Like a puppet whose strings had been cut, Isa fell to his knees. The keyblade wielders gave each other a wary look, then tentatively stepped closer. “Isa?” Terra called. His throat felt like he’d swallowed razor wire, so rather than respond Isa nodded, if barely. It took several minutes before he could find the strength to speak, and by then Terra and Aqua had knelt by his side, Aqua’s warm hand reassuring on his back. Isa knew he didn’t deserve any comfort, but he couldn’t bring himself to shrug her off, either.

“Thank you for stopping me,” he rasped. Isa peered out into the darkness of the forest, and thankfully could not see any lights or recognizable trails. He must have made it further into the woods than he’d feared. A small mercy.

Aqua sighed. “Isa, this can’t continue,” she said, tone vaguely disappointed. “If Terra hadn’t stopped you—”

“Aqua, wait.” Terra moved directly into Isa’s line-of-sight. “He needs to hear this. Isa, you have to accept that you and Lea are different now. You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can’t control what happens in the future either. It’s out of your hands. Accept it.”

“I… _c-can’t_,” Isa said, shaking as fresh tears pooled in his eyes. In the _real_ Organization, Saïx sacrificed everything to protect Lea and bring his friends back. He’d _faded_ with the hope that he’d at last find atonement. How could he accept a world in which Lea, _his Lea_, never came back?

“Then you’ve already lost him,” Terra replied, and with that Isa broke. More than the sobs he’d buried into his pillow in the Land of Departure, or the healing tears he’d shed with Aqua, Isa _wailed_ in anguish. He’d never felt this, this _heartbreak_ before. Lea was gone. He was _gone_.

“He’s not gone.” Aqua. “He’s still here, Isa. And he’s hurting, too. You _both_ are, but Terra’s right. You can’t keep running from this, or it will destroy you.”

Isa’s head felt stuffy, and his eyes burned. It was difficult to breathe, but he felt compelled to speak. “_How?_” he cried. “H-how can I burden him with, with _t-this_? With a-all my doubt, my fears?”

“Isa, being vulnerable isn’t a burden,” Terra said. “Believe me, I had to learn that lesson the hard way. You have to trust him, and trust yourself.”

“Maybe you’ll hurt one another, but that doesn’t mean you also can’t heal each other,” Aqua added. She rubbed her arm up-and-down Isa’s heaving back. “Lea needs you, Isa. And you need him.” She smiled. “You’re misfits, remember?”

“And Axel needs you, too,” Terra interjected. “He had a heart while he was still in the Organization. Saïx meant something to him, just as much as Roxas and Xion did. Saïx might be gone, but you’re still here, Isa. You don’t have to lose him because of this.”

Even as he continued to cry, Isa made himself confront the reality he’d been denying since Ienzo told him and Lea about Axel: despite all his efforts _his Lea_, the boy in his childhood memories, was never coming back. He’d never go back to being so silly and carefree, a tangle of awkward limbs and exaggerated glee. He’d slink and smirk, and he’d still love Isa. He hiccupped, the sobs at last dying down. No matter what, Lea would love Isa. His lover, who’d also changed. Who bore scars and wielded feral, wild magic fueled by all the emotions Saïx never had the chance to experience. They’d grown up and apart, but Isa realized what he should have seen all along: they’d come back together, different but no less _them_.

Neither Terra nor Aqua rushed him, and finally Isa calmed enough to stand (albeit with help from both keyblade wielders). He muttered, “I ought to return home,” even though the task seemed impossible on his sore and tired legs.

“You’re exhausted,” Terra said, and with a flash called his keyblade to hand. “How about I carry you there?” Isa nodded; truly, he didn’t have the strength to carry himself home to whatever awaited him. As Terra summoned his keyblade armor and glider, Aqua drew her keyblade as well.

“I’ve already messaged Ventus. He’s upstairs with Roxas and Xion, and all the guests have left. If you don’t mind, we’ll stay the night.” Even through her armor, Isa could tell she was smiling. “You don’t have to face this alone, Isa.”

“Thank you. For everything,” Isa replied, and let the Guardians—_his friends_—carry him home.

* * *

Aqua, Ventus, and Terra stayed with them for three days, for which Isa was overwhelmingly grateful. Between apologizing to the partygoers—all of whom kindly told him no apology was needed, and that they only hoped Lea was feeling better—and taking down the decorations, there was no shortage of chores to complete. Ventus was especially helpful, running interference with Roxas and Xion until Isa’s frayed nerves finally settled. And of course, Terra and Aqua continued to support him through whatever emotional highs and lows he felt at any given moment. There had been a couple close calls, particularly on that first night when Ventus told Isa what Lea had said to Roxas before holing up in the second-floor bathroom, but Isa had weathered each momentary crisis as best he could.

He still struggled, but by the time the Wayfinders said their goodbyes, he was starting to feel like himself again. Calm and prone to daydreaming, with slight tendencies toward mild histrionics. (The latter now accompanied by mild electrical surges.)

To Isa, it felt like they’d entered the eye of the storm. Lea (or perhaps, Axel) hadn’t spoken to anyone since the party. His gummiphone lay abandoned where he’d left it in the kitchen, and the only sign Lea hadn’t left altogether were the small toys and trinkets Roxas, Xion, and Isa found hidden around the house: seashells, bits and pieces of candy, munny for groceries, and so on. Otherwise, he remained hidden in the upstairs bathroom. And every night Isa slept just outside the door, keeping silent watch over his lover. Waiting for him to come back.

On the fifth night—the second since Ventus, Terra, and Aqua had left—Isa paused at Xion’s room, pillows and blankets tucked underneath one arm. The teens had slept in the same room ever since the party, and Isa was loathe to stop them. If they wanted to comfort one another, who was he to stop them? (After all, he was sleeping on the floor. So, presumably, was Lea.)

However, as Isa peeked in the room, Xion called to him. Her fingers were tangled in one of Lea’s hand-me-down blankets from Radiant Garden. “Is it always going to be like this?” she asked.

Isa set his blankets down before taking a tentative step into Xion’s room. “What do you mean?”

Xion stilled, brow furrowed as she collected her thoughts. Roxas sat up, and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Isa’s heart both warmed and ached from the easy affection they showed one another; what he wouldn’t give to have that with Lea again. “Sad, I guess,” Xion said. “Or maybe, secret. I just… want us to be happy, a-and it doesn’t feel… l-like we ever w-will.” Xion’s voice broke as she spoke, and tears pooled in her eyes.

After a moments’ hesitation, Isa went to the bed and drew Xion into his arms. He let his eyes slip closed. Xion’s black hair, so like X… His heart hurt and swelled again, and Isa hoped that one day he (and Lea) would be able to hold _her_ like this as well. In the meantime, Isa rubbed his hand up-and-down Xion’s back, half-forgotten memories of his own mother comforting him in this manner guiding the movements.

Next to them, Roxas sniffled quietly. Isa pulled back, and noticed how the blonde was looking off to the right, towards the direction of the bathroom—almost as if he could see Lea through the walls. It struck Isa then, how much Lea—how much Axel—meant to the younger key wielders, and how much his absence and their ongoing drama was hurting _them_, too.

“I can’t promise that it will be easy,” Isa said, aware of the weight his words carried. “And I can’t tell you that it will all be over soon. But, it _will _get better.”

“What if it doesn’t?” Roxas asked. He sounded hurt, more vulnerable than Isa had ever heard. He sounded like a _child_, and Isa felt the last of his bitter jealousy fade. “You didn’t hear him. He hates me. He, he blames me for what’s happened.”

Isa exhaled, and carefully set his hand on Roxas’s leg. Miraculously, the blonde didn’t recoil. “Ventus told me what Lea said. And, I’m sorry that he hurt you.” Roxas’s head snapped up, eyes shocked as if he couldn’t quite believe that _Isa_ would ever apologize to him. (Even if it was on Lea’s behalf.) “But Lea—_Axel_,” he corrected himself, even though it hurt a little, “Axel does not hate you. He’ll never hate you. But he’s hurting, and we need to be patient and trust that soon, he’ll let us back in.

“I’ve been blaming myself, as well,” Isa added, still rubbing both Xion’s back and Roxas’s leg and hoping it was a least _somewhat_ comforting. “Saïx did terrible things to Axel, and because of that he became closer to the both of you. Then, Saïx made sure Lea wasn’t made into one of Xehanort’s vessels, and I’m all-but certain that decision is what led us to here, to this moment.

“But as Master Aqua and Terra have told me time and again, we can’t change the past. Nor can we control the future.” It felt natural to hug Xion close, and even Roxas looked a bit more relaxed as Isa continued to speak. Idly, Isa wondered if _this_ is what it felt like to be an adult. He’d have to ask Lea, Axel, sometime. Later. “And I don’t believe for a second that Axel truly regrets having you two as his best friends. No matter what.”

“Then, he doesn’t regret loving you either, Isa,” Xion replied, shy smile and watery eyes. Her words, and Roxas’s tentative trust, warmed Isa’s heart. He resolved to remember _this _moment the next time he felt overwhelmed.

“Thank you, Xion.” With a sigh, Isa let the teens go as he stood. He gathered his bedding from the doorway, and tossed a final glance over his shoulder at the drowsy pair. “Good night.”

A pause, and then Roxas’s reluctant-sounding, “Night, Isa,” followed by Xion’s more cheerful, “Sweet dreams.”

As he settled on the carpeted floor, ears straining to pick up any sound—no matter how faint—from the other side of the bathroom door, Isa gave himself to the only dream that mattered: Him and Lea. _Forever. _

That was good enough.


	7. runaway

Axel came to consciousness slowly, cataloguing the various aches and pains earned from sleeping on cold, unforgiving flooring. _Guess it comes with the territory_, he thought. More and more, the redhead felt their—_his—_consciousness coming together, neither _Lea_ nor _Axel_ but_ someone_… they weren’t sure _who_ yet. Strong memories or emotions seemed the most effective at uniting the Nobody with his Other, and there’d been no shortage of either.

Wincing, Axel wiped the crusty remnants of the previous nights’ tears from his eyes. The bits of their heart where _Axel_ lingered grumbled, annoyed with Lea’s codependency. They couldn’t help it; Lea missed sleeping beside Isa, their head on the blue-haired’s chest as they fell asleep to the sound of Isa’s heartbeat. Axel couldn’t understand it. Saïx _never_ cuddled them.

Faint noises rose from downstairs, the sound of Roxas and Xion getting ready for school. Lea felt bad for leaving Isa with all their chores, but then again there wasn’t much he _didn’t_ feel sorry about anymore. Neither Lea nor Axel was a coward, however given the circumstances hiding seemed like his only viable option. It seemed like his every action, his every _thought_ just made things worse. Axel was beside himself for how he’d gone after Roxas, in front of all their friends no less. Moreover, Lea fretted he’d driven Isa off for good, and that the “talk” their partner kept trying to have would go something along the lines of, _I can’t do this anymore. It’s over. _

Instead, Axel put his hard-earned skills as an assassin to good use. Despite still sleeping in the same house, they’d managed to avoid everyone for _days_ after the party. Lea even left his gummiphone to avoid any errant messages or calls. It was a remarkable feat of withdrawal, and he’d have been impressed if he weren’t so damned depressed.

“Can’t believe it’s come to this,” Axel complained. “Hiding in a bathroom.” They tossed and turned, trying (and failing) to get comfortable on the tiled floor, with only a couple of blankets for cushioning. _It’s not forever, _Lea reasoned. _Just until all this gets sorted out. _

“Don’t know what else I can do,” Axel said, in agreement with his Other. There was a reason Saïx, rather than Axel, planned and plotted on his behalf against the Organization.

_(“I _always_ follow orders, Marluxia.”)_

Axel told many lies, but _that_ wasn’t one of them. When he’d gone rogue, Axel lost everything, _everyone_ including himself. And Lea hadn’t fared much better. In the end, Saïx, Vexen, hells even _Demyx_ did more to bring back Roxas and Xion than he did.

Lea sighed. His chest ached. “Never thought I’d miss it, not feeling,” he said with Axel’s voice. “_This_, it just… hurts too much.” Not once, in any of the hazy memories from _before_, could Lea recall the pain of simply _existing. _In the whirlwind days and weeks after Lea recompleted, he’d been too focused on rescuing his friends, keyblade training, and the inevitable battle to deal with all the emotional baggage that came with his newly-restored heart. He’d clung to the memories of his past, forced himself to smile and joke around and be _Lea_. But who was _Lea_ without _Isa_?

Although Lea hadn’t known it at the time, it was _Axel_—the emotionless assassin—who had apologized to Roxas and Xion in the Keyblade Graveyard before the dust even settled. Even then, his words felt inadequate to make up for all the pain Axel caused his best friends with all his lies and deceit. And later, just as Lea and Isa began to scratch the surface of their collective traumas, Axel’s half-formed heart fully woke inside Lea.

_It’s funny, _Axel said, _but I kinda miss it, too. _Just as the Nobody’s heart formed, it suffered heartbreak and loss in rapid succession. Combined, the emotional weight was overwhelming. It felt like drowning. Life in the Organization hadn’t been perfect, far from it, but— _It was simpler, you know? _

“It’s better this way,” Lea added, “at least while we’re still like this.” After all, what was a few more weeks? Soon, they’d be whole again… and _then_ he’d find the strength to make things right.

After the teens left, they’d start up the daily routine Axel had fallen into since the party fiasco. While Isa showered downstairs, Lea would sneak into the kitchen and grab breakfast before heading into the wooded outskirts of Twilight Town to vent Axel’s aggression on whatever hapless Heartless crossed their path. The monsters were plentiful, and they always managed to scavenge enough munny to buy a simple dinner. The _Bistrot _was off-limits, but there were other restaurants. After nightfall, Lea would return to a dark, quiet house. Before crawling into bed—or rather, a pile of blankets on the bathroom floor—he made sure to leave out little trinkets: an ice-cream stick or interesting rock, something small to reassure the others that they were still there, even if they hadn’t worked up the nerve to apologize yet.

“It’s starting to feel like the old days, back in the Organization,” Axel said one afternoon after they’d cleared a small nest of Emblem Heartless. Lea sighed as he spun Flame Liberator around to rest against their shoulder blade. _Almost said “RTC” yesterday, _he recalled. Although mildly off-putting, they had to admit it was easier to keep running than drown in sorrow, rage, and guilt.

While not a castle, the ramparts of Twilight Town’s exterior wall was a good place to daydream when it was too early to scrounge for dinner. The habit was one Axel picked up in the Organization, seeking solitude from the endless scheming and treachery his co-workers seemed so fond of.

_(“I guess I just needed a little time to sort out my feelings, you know?”_

_“I thought you didn’t have a heart.”)_

Lea clasped their hands behind his head, squinting up at the perpetual reds and oranges that made up Twilight Town’s sky. Perhaps it was the remnants of Lea’s youthful adventurism, or Axel’s taken-for-granted access to the dark corridors, but they felt trapped in Twilight Town. At least in the Organization, he’d been able to travel to different worlds. It had been a dream Lea shared with Isa, once upon a time; to visit the furthest reaches of the skies. Now, Lea wondered if they traveled far enough, fast enough, Axel could escape all the memories that chased them.

_(“It’s just baggage, you know.”)_

“What do you think they’re up to?” Lea asked. _Dunno_, Axel replied. _School’s out by now, if we’re lucky Isa’s helping them with their homework. _It was selfish, but Lea hoped that their absence helped break some of the lingering tension between Lea and Axel’s best friends. However, even as the Nobody thought that his Other’s brow furrowed anxiously. “Do they even miss us at all?”

It was their greatest fear, the motivation that drove their desire to run—whether to other worlds or the town’s outer wall. Being forgotten. Overlooked. Unwanted. After all, _what_ was so special about Lea? Or Axel? Whether a class clown or the second-string assassin to _Marluxia_, of all Nobodies… or even as a reserve Guardian, was it any wonder Xemnas had so easily defeated them?

_(“You can wait your turn… also-ran.”)_

It still haunted Lea, that moment in the Keyblade Graveyard. For all this training, his bravado… that his keyblade had been so easily shattered _hurt_ in more than a physical sense. All his efforts, including Axel’s sacrifice, reduced to nothingness. Then, _agony_. Dozens upon dozens of hits, all while Saïx—_Isa—_watched. Impassive, even as Lea was torn down in front of him. There, alongside Xemnas. It was a sight Axel was accustomed to, but not Lea.

_(“Among the members assigned to Castle Oblivion, there are traitors. Find them, and dispose of them.”_

_“I trust, that really came from Lord Xemnas himself.”)_

“Should have realized,” Lea murmured, “when he’d gotten too close to Xemnas.” True, they’d _both_ changed, becoming crueler and colder with time. But it wasn’t icing his colleagues that changed Axel—he’d done _that_ without question. It was forging a heart that changed him. Saïx suffered a more sinister conversion, one borne out of proximity to Xehanort’s Nobody. At first Axel hardly noticed; later, he’d barely cared. For Lea, it was damning in hindsight. “Should have known when he started using us.”

“We were his plaything,” Axel remarked. “D’you think he even cared about us? Or, was it just jealousy?”

_(“I knew the time would come when Vexen and Zexion got in your way. That’s why I took the initiative… and cleared the way to the top for you. I can handle all the dirty work. You go all the way to the top.”)_

Dread settled in their stomach. “You don’t think—” Axel asked, _Saïx and… Xemnas? _Lea finished.

_(I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don't feel like it anymore. It's strange, but I'm content with just missing what's gone. I'm not the one who changed. You did.)_

Perhaps being alone with his thoughts wasn’t such a great idea after all. Their head—_their heart—_was crowded enough as is. With a heavy sigh, Axel hoisted themself up and off the wall. They needed noise. Crowds. A distraction. There was bound to be something for them to do in the Central District. Although it was only mid-afternoon. One of the perks of living in Twilight Town was that the fading sun cast long shadows at all times, a fact the redhead appreciated as they spotted Roxas and Xion with their other friends from the a darkened corner.

Their chest panged as Axel spied on the teens, bitter memories of the _last time_ he’d been in such a situation. Then, it had been Xion who’d run off, and as Axel eavesdropped Roxas tried to persuade their _best friend_ to come back.

_(“If you come back voluntarily, Saïx will let all this drop. He has to. I don’t care what he said to you. I’ll be there.”)_

But in the end, it had been _Axel_ who dragged her back—another wrong. Another misstep. Tears threatened, but _this_ time they belonged to the Nobody.

A nearby door banged open, diverting Axel’s attention. He watched a pair of slightly-older men disappear inside a building at the end of a rather dingy alley. There was a sign overhead: Praeterita. “There’s a thought,” Axel said, his intrigue piqued. Never, in either of their lives, had they visited a bar before. (For all the _icky_ jobs Axel did, there was a strange wholesomeness in the Organization that had its members avoid such places.)

_No kids, either, _Lea added. _It’s as good a place as any to waste a couple of hours. _Decision made, he walked over and opened the nondescript wooden door. Praeteria’s interior was dim, and the bitter smell of burnt tobacco stunk up the small space. No more than a dozen patrons, mostly men, sat at the bar and a couple of nearby tables. A few talked, but most seemed content to sit quietly with their drinks. But as soon as Lea walked in, all eyes were on him. With false bravado that was _all _Axel, Lea swallowed down their sudden nerves as they made their way to the bar.

The bartender, an older man with white hair and a bushy, graying mustache, looked Lea up-and-down, appraising him. “Haven’t seen you in here before,” he commented.

Shaking their head, Axel replied, “First time. What do you recommend?” _Doubt there’s even a menu_, Lea thought, at a loss and starting to doubt that this had been a good move. Before the bartender could respond, the stool next to Lea _screeched_ as someone—a shorter man dressed in a casual suit, with blue eyes and hair the same blazing red as theirs—sat down.

“This one’s on me,” the guy said, nodding to the bartender who—with a roll of his eyes—passed him two bottles of _something_ from underneath the counter. The guy smiled, or rather _smirked_ at Lea as he extended his hand. “Name’s Reno,” he said. “And, you are?”

“Axel,” Lea replied, because _honestly, this is an ‘Axel’ sort of place. _His Nobody didn’t complain; _can’t disagree about that. _Grabbing the bottle, they lightly clinked the bottom against the stranger’s.

“Cheers,” Reno said, still smirking. He swigged from the bottle, and Axel mimicked him. He struggled to avoid twisting his face up in disgust; the ale was bitter, a far cry from the sweet wines and fruity ciders Lea preferred. “So,” the stranger said, spinning his stool to face Lea, legs spread and disarmingly casual. “What brings a guy like you out to a dump like this?”

Like muscle memory, Axel easily slipped into the coy, detached attitude that defined his Nobody-hood. His smile darkened, chin raising with false bravado. “Oh, I don’t know,” they said, sarcastic. “Guess I needed a change of scenery.”

Reno chuckled. “Ah, you’ve got some bite left. Good, ‘cause today, I’m clockin’ out early.” Rapping his knuckles on the bar, Reno called the bartender back over. “Can I get a couple ‘a shots for me and Axel?”

The bartender cast the shorter redhead an unimpressed glare. “The usual?” he asked.

Reno winked at Lea, and shook his head. “No, this calls for something special. Give me somethin’—” he paused, half-empty bottle resting against his lower lip. As Lea choked down another gulp of the rancid drink, the stranger grinned. “Give me somethin’ that’s gonna _burn._”

Since recompleting, Isa griped repeatedly about Lea’s skinniness, but the truth was Lea had always had a hot metabolism—and that was _before_ he became a fire elemental. Neither Lea nor Axel had ever been much of a drinker (much to Luxord’s chagrin), but on the rare occasion they indulged it did not take much before the redhead was wobbly, flushed, and smiling freely.

In quick succession, Reno had plied Axel with three shots and two beers. It didn’t help that Reno was charming, rude, and slightly buffoonish, sporting a pair of facial tattoos that Lea—once upon a time—might have thought were cool, if it weren’t for… Yeah. Anyways, Reno acted like someone Lea could have been in another life, another potential existence were it not for Axel. It was a little unnerving, enough to keep Lea chugging along. However, Reno didn’t seem to mind, his hand a soft but slightly uncomfortable weight over the back of Lea’s barstool.

“Y’know, you never answered my question,” Reno said. He’d amassed a collection of bottles that far outnumbered Axel’s. If they were thinking straight, Lea would guess this was something of a habit for the guy. “We don’t see too many pretty faces like yours in this place, do we, Cal?” The bartender—Cal, presumably—grunted, the sound neither agreeable nor disagreeable. “Tell me, Axel. Munny or love, what’s got you so glum?”

Lea’s vision swum, the stranger’s outline splitting into two before reuniting into a blurry form. “M’losing everything,” he said, words slightly slurred. “Couldn’t go home, so I—” he hiccupped. “—I came here ‘stead.”

Reno’s cackling laughter was jarring, out-of-place in response to Lea’s melancholy. “Hey now, I’m sure it’s not _that_ bad,” he replied. His hand came up, foreign, presumptuous, and _wrong_ as it landed on Lea’s shoulder; his thumb rubbing small circles that made them feel dizzy. “But, if it’s what you want I’m game to help you forget.” Reno leaned in, whisky-sour breath wafting across their face as he whispered, “What’aya say?”

It was the kind of clarity only the well and truly drunk are capable of, as all at once Axel’s situation hit them. The drinks, the smells, the (_wrong wrong wrong_) touch… _What am I doing? _Lea asked, a profound moment of singular consciousness as he and Axel fell into lockstep in their desire to leave, to go _home_. Gracelessly, Lea tumbled off of the barstool, spilling the last dregs of his second bottle all over the bar top. Both Reno and Cal shouted at him, but Axel couldn’t make out their words over the pounding of his heart.

Unthinking, Lea opened a dark corridor and threw himself inside. He didn’t care that he wasn’t wearing any protective clothing, didn’t care that he’d left an open tab, didn’t care about “world order” or anything beyond _going home_. Still, as Lea stumbled out of the corridor into his backyard, heart _suffocating_ like it’d been squeezed in a vice-grip, Axel’s consciousness fell away once more. _What’s that saying, _his Nobody asked, sounding out-of-breath even in their own mind. _About angels that watch over drunks and idiots?_

“Which one ‘r we?” Lea murmured, fingers digging into their pounding temples. Axel didn’t respond, and instead fetched an elixir with their other hand, which helped offset some of the uncomfortable dizziness. Lea followed with a _Cura_ to lessen the amount of alcohol poisoning their bloodstream, although in exchange for a slightly-clearer head it left them with a sour stomach and an intense headache. They turned, and saw one of the downstairs lights was on. Roxas’s skateboard and Xion’s rollerblades were missing, and Lea guessed the younger pair were still out with their friends.

Lea’s heart _cried_ for them to find Isa, but Axel’s instincts held them back. “We reek,” Axel said, the combination of smoke, spilled liquor, and the faintest wisps of darkness clinging to their skin and clothes. Begrudgingly, Lea admitted his Nobody was right. _Seeing us like this, I’d only worry him, _Lea replied. Axel demurred, silent. With their faculties returning, so too did the memories they’d tried to escape. With all the aches and pains littering their body, the last thing Axel wanted was to be fretted over. “We can sneak in,” Lea decided. “M’not hungry, anyways.”

After a quick peak, Axel slipped in through the washroom window. He couldn’t see Isa, but Lea’s stomach _clenched_ as his boyfriend’s voice drifted in from the family room. Axel determinedly crossed the darkened kitchen toward the stairs, even as Lea wondered who Isa was speaking to. _It’s probably a call, _Axel reasoned. _We’re lucky. He’s distracted. _Morose, Lea agreed. It would be a terrible idea to let Isa find them in such a sorry state.

Axel crept toward the stairs, careful to avoid the creaky fourth step when Lea heard Isa say, “Thank you, Terra, but that will have to wait until Lea’s… returned. Even if he no longer cares, I should still ask his opinion on the matter.”

Lea paused. _Terra? _he asked. _Since when did Isa become friends with Terra? _

_(“And here _we _thought you wanted to spend the night chatting with your new best friend?”)_

“Must’ve been when he was in the Land of Departure?” Axel guessed, speaking in a low whisper. They frowned. “Thought he was supposed to be training with Aqua.” A wave of emotion abruptly hit them—_jealousy. _Bitterly, Axel added, _in a way, isn’t Terra Xemnas’s Other? Guess old habits die hard. _Well, then. If _Saïx_ wanted to drag _his Superior_ back into their lives, _fine_. Axel had memorized his lines in _that_ script long ago.

Still, the parts of them that belonged to _Lea_ held out hope. After all, it wasn’t like they’d been there for Isa lately, had they? So what if Isa turned to Terra instead of Roxas and Xion, like Axel would? At least Isa had someone, _anyone_ to talk to… until Lea could finally, truly come home.

Oblivious, Isa said, “I’ve been better since the party, thank you for asking.” Lea’s insides clenched as Axel thought, _can’t believe it. Here, and we thought they’d missed me. _Meanwhile, Isa sighed. “No, I’ve not seen him. It’s been difficult for Roxas and Xion, but… can I admit something?”

Lea tensed. Doubt, sick and viscous, rose in his throat. Isa _never_ trusted secrets to anyone except his closest friends. _Guess they must’ve gotten close_, Axel said. Their breath quickened as Lea’s stomach roiled with nausea from the traces of alcohol their spellcasting hadn’t erased.

“After Axel faded,” Isa continued, “Saïx chided him for his foolishness, but in the brief moment of waking I felt before losing my heart a second time, all I felt was relief. There was Lea, asleep next to me, and I knew that he’d be safe, or at the very least spared further corruption. That knowledge gave me the strength to do what I had to, in order to atone.”

Lea’s head _throbbed_. It wasn’t fair, he _knew_ it _wasn’t fair_, but the calm Isa described from his first reawakening _burned_ Lea. Lea, who woke up all alone, his best friends gone or forgotten. (The other apprentices didn’t count, he decided. How could they, when Axel was responsible for two of their deaths?) “He left me,” Lea whispered, voice thick and heart-sick. It was the truth, no matter what Isa’s intentions. Neither Lea nor Axel was a coward, but being forgotten, unwanted, _left behind_ was their greatest fear.

_He let me leave, _Axel added, the memories sharp and bright.

_(“I merely rounded up and sent off the ones who were getting in the way.”)_

Unaware of his audience, Isa sighed. “This isn’t that, I assure you. This is… a different sort of guilt. Lea blames Roxas, but it was Saïx’s actions that brought us to this moment. In the real Organization, it was his consuming purpose to make things right again. To negate it all, so that we could go back to how it used to be before Xehanort corrupted us.”

_(“Whoa there, was I one of those you wanted to erase?”)_

Lea held his breath as Isa’s voice hitched. “But, Terra. How can I even _speak_ to him? The Lea I knew is… i-is _gone_.”

_(“Good to see you made it back safe.”)_

Around him, time seemed to slow. Lea’s senses went haywire capturing the moment with perfect clarity, the words he’d once written as Axel tossed back in their face. _It’s me. I’ve changed. _Numb, Lea let Axel take them the rest of the way up the stairs, then down the hall and into their quiet bathroom. _There’s no going back. It’s forever. _

The lights flickered on, burning their eyes. Axel reached for the medicine cabinet, and the supplies stashed there. Lea wanted to be sick, but Axel wouldn’t let them. Lea wanted to cry, but Axel wouldn’t let them do that either, the eyeliner cool and smooth as the Nobody efficiently marked their cheeks. _Why are we doing this? _Lea asked as Axel finished the second teardrop. “To keep us from crying,” Axel responded, irritated.

_(“Always told you they’d stop you from crying. The upside-down tears.”)_

Looking so much like Axel intensified the numbness Lea felt. Toneless, he added, “Isa gave us these marks, you know? Back when we were Lea.”

_We’re not Lea anymore,_ Axel replied, to which Lea said, “We’re not Axel, either.” If a heart is made of all the bonds connecting people to one another, then as it changed _their_ heart had faded back into lonely nonexistence. They had no one, nothing… they _were_ no one and nothing.

_(“You feel nothing. Nothing is real. You are no-body.”)_

And there was only one place where _nothing_ belongs.


	8. all that (never) was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content Warning: discussion and psuedo-romanticization of an abusive romantic relationship in character dialogue. Descriptions of canon-compliant violence (from the KH2 manga) in the context of a physical relationship.**

They did not sleep that night. Instead of tossing and turning, they laid there in the dark and plotted. (At one point, Lea was _certain_ he heard soft rustling outside their door, but Axel dismissed it: “It’s just the kids.”) He didn’t let it bother them, _couldn’t_ let it bother them. His emotions would only get in their way, paralyzing him into further inaction. 

_(“Don’t wait. Act. One of life’s little rules.”)_

The morning began as usual. More rustling in the hall, then Roxas and Xion trudged downstairs to get ready for school. After a quick shower Axel reapplied their charms—_no more tears, got it memorized?_—as they waited for the front door to slam and the aging water pipes to groan as Isa started his own morning ritual. 

Silently, he crept downstairs. Lea moved quickly, filling a small bag with some basic essentials and changing into more… _appropriate_ clothes. Given their unusual rooming arrangement, Lea and Isa had been stashing what little clothing they’d accumulated since reforming in the coat closet. Axel refused to acknowledge how the supple leather felt as he slid their arms into the well-used coat, nor how the sound of its zipper sent a shiver up his spine. “It’s just a coat,” Lea muttered. But it was so much more than that, and essential for where they planned to go. 

Too late, Axel noticed how _quiet_ the house had become. He hadn’t been fast enough. Lea sensed, rather than saw Isa appear in the doorway behind him, however he refused to turn around to acknowledge his… boyfriend? Lover? What even _was_ Isa to them, given what they were planning to do?

“You’re… wearing the coat?” Isa asked, as if he couldn’t quite believe his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“What’s it look like?” Axel replied, toneless. “We’re leaving.” It wasn’t worth the effort to pretend for Isa, not anymore. _Lea_ and _Axel_ were gone, never coming back. _They_ were all that was left. _Apparently that’s not enough_, Lea added, resigned.

Rushed footsteps, then a hand on his shoulder. “Lea,” Isa said, turning the redhead to look at him. His mouth was open, poised to say more until Isa saw the purple teardrops on Lea’s cheeks. “Why… I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand?” Lea asked. “Everyone leaves us. Xion. Roxas. Hell, Kairi and Sora… even you, Isa. This time, we’re not going to sit around and wait for it. It’s time we take some initiative. After all,” Axel shrugged. “No one will miss us.”

_That_ seemed to shock Isa, who took several quick steps back. “You cannot be serious.” Shaking his head, he went on: “If anyone’s left, it’s been _you_, Lea. When was the last time you spoke to anyone in this house? Or, since you’ve seen any of us?” And _that_ was exactly what he’d hoped to avoid by slipping away unnoticed. How could they smother their emotions with Isa looking at them with so much _hurt_ in his eyes? They _couldn’t_, and that was why they needed to leave. Even if it hurt them. Even if it hurt Isa. _We’ll be better off, all of us._

“Like you noticed,” Axel said. At the very least, the Nobody still held onto his anger. “Betcha can’t wait to replace us with your new best friend, Terra. Oh, that’s right—” he added “—we heard your little _chat_ yesterday. ‘The Lea I knew is gone,’ right? Well, here ya go. We’ll get outta your hair.”

Lea knew he was being unreasonable, but he was clutching at straws, trying to find a reason—any reason—that would justify what they were trying to do. Jealousy worked, even if that was more Isa’s deal that Lea’s. (But he couldn’t admit what the true reason was. Not even to themselves. Not yet.)

Eyes narrowed, Isa took one, then two deep breaths in an obvious attempt to calm himself. “If you heard that, then you must have heard the rest about how much I miss you. How all I want is for you to be happy and safe.” Quieter, Isa said, “How I blame myself for what has happened.”

“Oh, that’s right. Your perfect little plan. Except, it wasn’t so perfect, was it?” Axel taunted. “Or was it? Can’t say, as I never heard any of it myself.” Both Axel and Lea knew from firsthand experience how _aggravating_ it was to argue with either Saïx or Isa. The Nobody and his Other liked to be calm and logical, a perfect foil for the redhead’s chaotic passion. But Axel knew _exactly_ which bruises to push, which hurts to resurface, to knock the older off-balance. Better still, if Isa let his emotions loose then Lea would see what was going on inside his head and heart. Isa might be a terrible liar, but when angry he never even bothered to try hide how he _ truly _ felt.

Isa’s eyes narrowed dangerously, a clear sign their strategy was working. Maybe it was a trick of the early morning light that had Isa’s glare glinting, but Axel couldn’t be bothered. “Gee, Isa,” Axel spat. “You could at least _act_ like you care.” Isa’s fists clenched. _Good_, they thought. _Can’t lie to us now, can ya?_

“Should I take my cues from you?” Isa asked, voice louder as his temper rose. “Or, shall I describe in detail all _his_ plans for you, had I not gotten involved?” Lea’s arms tingled oddly, the tiny hairs there and on the back of his head standing on end as the air pressure suddenly dropped. _That’s strange…_

“You’re pissed ‘cause I started thinking for myself for once, is that it?” Axel accused, too heated to heed Lea’s growing wariness. 

“What is the _matter_ with you?” Isa snapped. “You’ve never acted like this before.”

“We told you—”

“—not even when you were Axel,” Isa interrupted. “It seems no matter what I do, you seem intent on twisting my words and, and i-intentions…” Isa cut off with a sudden gasp. The temperature plummeted, too much to be a coincidence, before returning to normal. Isa’s teeth were clenched, and Lea’s nervousness rose. 

“Isa,” Lea said as Axel’s eyes narrowed. They _knew_ this, all the little pieces coming together to form a whole that… wasn’t quite realized yet. “What’s going on?”

The blue-haired doubled-over with a gasp. “N-nothing you… y-you can do. It must, _must_ be m-me,” Isa said, barely able to speak. All at once, _alarm_ became _helplessness_ became _wrath_ as Axel was reminded—yet again—how _inept_ they were.

_(“Utterly useless and forgotten.”)_

Flames licked up their arms as Axel’s anger spiked. “_Heh_, like I said. No one’s gonna miss us.” Words weren’t enough; they needed to get out of there. “I’ll see ya around,” Lea said, voice choked with grief and rage as he thrust a hand out. The darkness came easily, as erratic and warped as their scorching heart. Without looking back, Axel strode into the corridor, realizing too late that an ice-hold hand had latched onto his wrist with an iron grip. 

_Isa…_

Darkness whipped around them for a moment that seemed to stretch on forever before suddenly receding, leaving the pair sprawling onto a hard, unforgiving floor. Axel’s head spun; his Organization coat shielded him from the worst of it, but after their unprotected trip through a corridor the previous night the darkness still sickened Lea. Nearby, Isa was making terrible retching noises, and with a start Lea remembered.

Isa hadn’t been wearing his coat.

Panic overrode any lingering emotions or illness as Lea searched for his partner, who had doubled over in obvious pain. “Isa!” The redhead sprinted over to him, however when Lea tried to touch Isa he shied away, gagging. Darkness clung to Isa so Lea—too frantic and inexperienced to cast Light—summoned his keyblade in the hopes that it’d eliminate the stubborn tendrils via proximity. It worked, but in the process proved what they’d suspected was true.

Wave after wave of _hot electric blue_ poured off Isa, who gripped his head with both hands as if trying to keep the energy contained. _“ISA!_ ” Acting on pure instinct, Lea let Flame Liberator dissolve into a shower of sparks as he threw his arms around Isa. It felt like they’d touched a live wire, metallic taste in their mouth. “Isa, p-please,” Lea begged, teeth chattering uncontrollably. “Come b-b-back, I’m, _mmm—_ s-sorry. It’s _muh_… it’s-s me, Isa. It’s L-Lea.” 

It didn’t hurt so much as feel like an impossible force trying to tear Lea away, but they could not be moved. Axel wasn’t Xemnas, he couldn’t put down the berserker rage, but Lea refused to raise his weapon at Isa (_Saïx_) ever again. His voice and his touch would have to be enough. “ _Ple-ease,_ Isa—” Lea tightened their hold. “You can… can s-stop now…”

Slowly, _miraculously_, it worked. The pressure lightened, enough so that Axel could fill his starving lungs with breath after panting breath. The energy that rattled Lea’s bones faded back into Isa’s now-trembling form.

“Get off of me.”

The vitriolic tone Isa compelled Axel to back off. “I-Isa, I’m—”

Bright eyes met green, and Isa hissed, “_Don’t_. This is not the first time this has happened, and your insincere apologies will only make it worse.” Lea’s mouth gaped open, ready to retort that he really _was_ sorry, but for once they _thought_ before they spoke. Whatever Lea might have said died on his lips as both men took stock of their surroundings.

_Home, sweet home,_ Axel thought as another shudder crawled down Lea’s spine. The Castle That Never Was. It seemed so _right_, so _obvious_ the night before. A familiar space, and the last place anyone would think to search for them. It was a home for unwanted things, for _nobodies_ like them. Yet in the harsh light of reality the magnitude of their mistake hit them like a upper-tier _Thundaga_. Isa, close by, was still breathing heavily, albeit at a slower pace. He’d berserked, and not for the first time it seemed. Lea was stunned; how could Isa have kept that from him? 

Just as he’d done weeks earlier in Radiant Garden, Axel unhelpfully thought, _I haven’t been honest with him, either._

“This is… the castle,” Isa said, startling Lea out of their thoughts. “Why—”

“Dunno,” Lea interrupted, giving the older man an awkward shrug. “Maybe ‘cause this is the last place we felt like we belonged.” Axel heard a distant rustling, slow, heavy footsteps dragging down a long hall. “We’re not alone.”

“Did you think all the Nobodies vanished with Xehanort?” Isa asked, incredulous. “Of all the absurd ideas you have ever come up with, this might be the worst.”

Axel glared. “Well, if _someone_ hadn’t grabbed us at the last second—”

“Stop it.” Isa sighed, and whatever berserker energy that lingered dispersed, leaving the older man looking far wearier than Lea could remember seeing him. “I need to… be alone, so that I can process this.” Isa laughed, but it was not a pleasant sound. “What possessed you to think you would find anything good here, of all places?”

Without thinking, Lea snapped, “The last time _anything_ in our lives made sense, it was here.” 

Isa’s expression softened, if only just. “Can I trust that you will not run off? I doubt the Nobodies will attack unless provoked, however we are without transport except—”

“No more corridors, I get it,” Axel huffed. Neither they nor Isa could risk further exposure to the darkness. “We’re not going anywhere.” Isa nodded, and strode off without a word. Lea watched him leave, and it felt like whatever weight the berserker conjured returned. With a sigh, Axel turned in the opposite direction.

“So much for _that_ plan,” Axel said. _Wasn’t much of a plan to begin with,_ Lea replied. It was a fair point. Guided by a decade’s worth of muscle memory, Lea wandered aimlessly down hallway after nondescript hallway. He spotted a few Nobodies, including a couple assassins, but they seemed uninterested in causing trouble. Axel grumbled, itching for a fight, but Lea held back. Agitating the Nobodies could start something elsewhere in the castle. He’d already caused enough trouble for one day. _Then again, if Isa can berserk…_ Lea shook his head. He wasn’t ready to confront that yet, either.

Unsurprisingly, their meandering brought Lea to Axel’s Proof. Like the rest of the castle, the room was unchanged from the last time Axel had seen it. Nobodies kept few, if any possessions, and what little Axel couldn’t bear to lose he’d kept on him—an ice cream stick, a brightly-colored seashell, old poems from Isa. His Proof looked exactly the same as it had the day Axel at last tracked Roxas down, the day he’d left the Organization for good.

“Feels like a lifetime ago,” Lea remarked. _Feels like no time at all,_ Axel countered. Both felt right. For a Nobody, time was a funny thing. Still— “I’ve changed,” Lea said. “Don’t know who I am anymore.” Slowly, they stalked the room’s perimeter until coming to the great window that overlooked the World That Never Was. Without the glow of the false Kingdom Hearts, the brightness against the pitch black outside gave the window a highly-reflective appearance. 

For a long moment, Lea stared at themselves. With the coat and the teardrop charms, it was like no time had passed at all. Like they were _Axel_, and nothing more. 

_(“Silly. Just because you have a next life…”)_

They shuddered. Since the party, Lea had whined endlessly about their tiresome emotions. For days and days Axel reminisced about how much simpler it had been when they didn’t, _couldn’t_ feel. “How could we?” Lea asked, horrified. They’d been romanticizing a half-life. Non-existence. Feeling ill, Axel shucked the coat off. The all-black ensemble they wore underneath wasn’t _exactly_ Lea’s style, but the sleeveless tank was close enough that it settled their nerves. “We’re not _him_,” Lea said decisively. _Never, ever again,_ Axel promised. _Let’s find Isa. It’s been awhile._

A berserker grumbled at them as they passed, but otherwise the trek toward the Addled Impasse was uneventful. Like their own uncanny reflection, seeing Isa at the overlook brought back uncomfortable memories. _Now that we’re back, it’s hard to remember that we ever left,_ Axel thought. Lea shook their head and whispered, “We’re not going back.”

Isa, overhearing Lea’s muttering, looked up from his hunched-over position. Where Saïx spent countless hours staring _up_ into the false Kingdom Hearts, Isa had been glaring at his hands, which were tightly clenched against the glass. _It seems like he’s calmed down,_ Lea thought, however Axel remained on guard. The tension was palpable, so Lea joked, “You daydreamin’, or what?” The line fell flat, but at least Isa straightened and turned towards the redhead.

“I suppose you could call it that, although Aqua—_Master_ Aqua,” Isa corrected, “would say I am torturing myself with these thoughts.” Before Lea could ask what _that_ meant, Isa added, “I contacted her, as well as Roxas and Xion, to let them know of our whereabouts. Aqua, Ventus, and… Terra will stay with them tonight. Riku will fetch us sometime tomorrow.”

Lea flushed, scratching the back of their head in an unconscious gesture. Even after Axel dragged him halfway across the universe on some half-baked scheme, Isa was still the responsible one. _Telling us what to do,_ Axel grumped, to which Lea replied, _don’t you think we need it?_ Out loud, Lea admitted, “Guess I’ve got some explaining to do.”

“As do I.” Isa returned his gaze to the window, speaking in low, even tones. “For so long, I fooled myself into believing this life would be fairer than our last. I believed that once I atoned—once I paid for Saïx’s crimes—that I would regain the life I lost. 

“At first, I refused to see how we had changed. The excuses came readily enough. So much time had passed, after all. I hoped that once we remembered ourselves, our _true_ selves, we would at last be rid of the vestiges of the past.”

Lea frowned, _Axel_ an uncomfortable weight in their heavy heart. They’d grown accustomed to being so closely twined, but as with most things _Isa_-and-_Saïx _ a bizarre difference split them. “Guess I never thought of it like that,” he admitted. “We might’ve forgotten what it was like being human, but not entirely. Just like we’ll never forget bein’ Nobodies. It’s part of us now.”

Isa remained silent for a long moment before replying, “I remember… Saïx would stand here for hours. Sometimes days. He’d peer into the incandescence of Kingdom Hearts and imagine a future in which he was whole again. Saïx did not dream, but he did—” Isa paused, then addded “—_desire_. Even as the vision grew blurrier with the passing years, at its core his desire remained the same. To have a heart, and to have you, Lea.”

Shame swept over them. Axel had been as obsessed with unlocking the secrets of the heart as any Organization member, but only for the mystery of it. Without emotions, chasing the riddle gave him the smallest of thrills, just enough to remember his purpose. But Axel had stopped trying to reclaim _his_ heart almost from the start. He’d drifted in the void, only realizing near the very end how _empty_ his (non)existence had become. 

_(“You gave up.”)_

“You never gave up on me,” Lea whispered. Isa smiled tightly, tears glistening in his eyes. 

“No,” Isa said. He blinked, causing the first of the tears to fall. Lea’s own heart clenched as Axel reeled in shock; neither could handle (or even _comprehend_) it whenever Isa cried. “And yet, I must.”

Lea gasped. “_What?_ ” How—after he thought they were _finally_ communicating… _Everyone’s always leaving us,_ Axel reminded them. _We knew this was coming. It’s why we’re here, isn’t it?_

Isa went on, unaware how his words had shaken them. “I am not Saïx, but I have inherited his body and his powers nevertheless. The rage he stole from Kingdom Hearts has turned to grief. If I continue to mourn what has been lost… if I endlessly yearn for a future that will never come to pass, then I will not ever regain myself.” More tears, as Isa added, “I am afraid of becoming the monster that Saïx was.”

_Don’t give up,_ Lea thought, desperate. “I’ve never been afraid of you,” he said. Deep in the recesses of their heart, Axel was silent. Beyond that, Lea panicked. They’d run to avoid being left behind. (_Again._) It was hypocritical, but watching Isa leave… it would destroy Lea. 

“What if I lose control?” Isa asked. “You cannot fathom it, Lea. What it feels like, the _power_ of it. I could hurt you, and not even realize.” The mottled skin across Lea’s right side burned, almost as if Axel was rebuking his Other, but Lea pushed those feelings aside. _Later_, they promised. Besides, the redhead got the sense Isa was grieving something else, something much more recent. Something between _them._

“That night—” Isa tensed, all-but confirming Lea’s suspicions about what had his lover so worried. “You didn’t hurt me. Hells, I _started_ it. Remember?” 

“But I should have stopped it. I was unstable. I could have—” Isa cut himself off, voice choked. Lea felt torn. Pieces of them ached to soothe Isa, to reassure their lover that they trusted him. That they were _sorry_ for being so inattentive and putting him in that position in the first place. However, the rest of them scoffed. _Why does it matter?_ Axel asked. _Since when did he ever care about me?_ Pins and needles tingled across Lea’s right side. They hadn’t felt so disjointed, so out-of-sync with Axel since that first night. Lea didn’t know how to handle both Isa _and_ Axel, so he ignored his Nobody to focus on his partner.

“You _could have_, but you _didn’t_,” Lea said. “As soon as you noticed somethin’ was up, you stopped.” Guilt was tearing up everything _Lea_ in him. “This is my fault. I shoulda said something, but I got so wrapped up in, in _everything_ else that I forgot it even happened.”

Isa wouldn’t look at them. “You forgot,” he said, toneless. “I felt like a monster, and you… forgot.” Blue lightning sparked off the tips of Isa’s fingers. Lea’s heart rate sped up, odd disparate sensation intensifying. “It’s been nearly _two weeks_, Lea.”

“I know.” Lea’s breath sped as well. Things felt like they were spinning out of control all over again. The numbness spread across his chest, their heart.

Voice practically a growl, Isa went on. “I have been _agonizing_ over this, worrying that I’d pushed you away, and in return you’ve given me _nothing_—”

Axel snapped, “Me? You stopped touching us first.” Isa flinched, Axel’s _us_ a heavy reminder of what started this mess. However, he recovered quickly, blue sparks dancing higher. 

“—because when I look at you all I see is _Axel_.”

Whatever tenuous grip Lea had was lost as his furious Nobody took hold. “Still want me out of the way, huh?” Maybe it was the obvious shift in tone, the words spoken, or his purple charms smeared under Axel’s burning gaze, but _something_ shocked the berserk energy out of Isa as his teal eyes widened in surprise. 

“T-that’s not what I meant,” he stammered, only to be cut off with a sharp gesture.

“Save it,” Axel said. “We get it, it’s Lea you want. Past, future, fantasy, _whatever_. Sorry I ruined it for ya.” Their scar pulsing in time with their heart, Axel stormed off, leaving Isa in stunned silence.

Unlike earlier, when Lea’d been wandering aimlessly, Axel strode through the halls with a clear destination in mind. “It’s too late to go quietly into the night,” he said, scowling. 

_(“No one axes Axel. Got it memorized?”)_

In his heart, Lea fought back. _Go back,_ he demanded. _I’m Axel, right? So if Isa loves me, and he does, he_ must_, then—_ “Shut it,” Axel interrupted. “We’re here for a reason, right? Let’s get it over with.” With a mental sigh, Lea acquiesced. His Nobody had a point. Isa said his piece; now it was Axel’s turn. And Saïx had _plenty_ to answer for.

It took Isa some time to find them. Axel wondered if he hadn’t thought to check the Soundless Prison, or if Isa hoped he went elsewhere. Axel’s fingers tightened around the massive bars as quiet footsteps sounded behind them. The Nobody loathed having his back to anyone—perhaps _here_ more than anywhere else—but Lea calmed them. Isa would not hurt them. 

“Was _this_ your plan?” Axel asked, voice artificially light. “If you caught me? Lock me up in here until Xemnas turned me into a Dusk?”

A pause, then: “He never intended to make you into a Dusk. He wanted far worse, I can assure you.” 

“Better dead than a vessel then, was that it?” Axel chuckled. His side throbbed. “How does the saying go? Actions speak louder than words?”

A sigh. “Lea. Please, look at me?” The redhead didn’t move. “Sorry. Axel, then.” The Nobody glanced over his shoulder with a glare. He didn’t let go of the bars. “Is this my punishment? I bring up how you’ve been behaving and you show me…” Isa trailed off, but when he spoke again his voice was far softer. “Saïx’s gravest sin.”

“_Saïx_, right.” Axel let one hand drop to turn toward Isa further. “See, that excuse doesn’t work for me. Never has. I came back—_alone_—and it’s just ‘Axel’ this and ‘Axel’ that. And the worst part is, I actually _am_ Axel. I still exist and…” Despite the charms, tears started to blur their vision. “A-and I don’t know why. Why me?”

“Axel.” Blinking back tears, Axel fully faced Isa. “I cannot… answer for Saïx. Not entirely. Believe me, I would if it were possible. I have so much left to answer for.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Isa,” Lea replied, spoken from the heart. “I _am_ Axel, but you? You’re _not_ Saïx. He never had a heart. Why _shouldn’t_ you get your happy ending?”

“You’re wrong.” Isa folded his arms, frowning deeply. “Saïx never had a heart of his own, but like all vessels he carried a piece of Xehanort’s heart inside him.” Isa met Axel’s gaze. “Saïx was a vessel for years. And in that time, he felt anger. Obsession. Jealousy, and even… rage.”

Infuriated, Axel ripped his shirt off. Dropping the fabric to the floor, the Nobody held his hands to the mangled flesh along his side. “Think you could’ve told me that _before_ practically cutting me in half?” he shouted. “For _years_, I did everything you ever asked, Saïx. All the icky jobs. All the back-stabbing. All of it, because—”

“Because _what_, Axel?” Isa interrupted, eyes flashing. “You stopped caring about our objectives almost from the start. Do you not understand that for all his lust for power, Saïx still prioritized protecting you?”

“Protecting me? Please,” Axel scoffed. “I didn’t mean anything to Saïx. I was nothing but a toy, his _puppet._ ” Axel spoke the insult just as Saïx once had, and it had the desired effect as crackling blue flames once again sparked from Isa’s fingertips. Axel’s own fingers itched, his chakrams practically _begging_ for his call. Flames raced up his arms, yet from deep inside them, Lea shoved the impulse down. _I will not raise my weapon to Isa,_ he swore. Axel grimaced. Fine, then. He still had one card left up his sleeve.

However, before Axel could say anything, Isa interrupted them. “You were his _obsession_,” he said, words clipped as his anger built once more. “It was not altruism that saved you from possession, but Saïx’s unwillingness to let Xehanort have you. He could not bear to share you with him, nor anyone else. You were _his_, and it was losing you that destroyed him.” Isa looked down, fists clenched as he added, “Saïx was incapable of love. It _sickens_ me to remember the depths of his infatuation.”

“I loved him.” There. He’d admitted it. Moonlit eyes met Axel’s in a disbelieving stare. “As soon as I could, I loved him, and now he’s gone. _Everyone_ is gone except Roxas and Xion, and it’s… it’s different with them.” Axel wasn’t sure if the keyblade wielders had _always_ had hearts, or if they’d grown their hearts as he had. Nevertheless, it was through them that Axel had been saved, although at times the Nobody almost wished he hadn’t. The flames climbed higher with Axel’s grief. “If I’d gone too, then you and him—” Lea shuddered; it felt _wrong_ for Axel to think of themselves so distinctly. _I’m Axel,_ they reminded the Nobody, but it was a cold comfort. “—You a-and _Lea_ would’ve gotten what you always wanted.”

Beside him, Isa shook as his own conflicted emotions fueled his berserker state. Oddly, Axel was not worried that Isa would harm them. He was Lea, after all. “But,” Isa gasped, “Saïx. He, he tried to end your existence.”

“More than once,” Axel said. The scar ached, and the ambient heat rose. As if in sympathy, Isa’s blue fire surged. “Never said it made any sense, y’know.” The tension in the room was palpable, so before Isa could respond Axel interjected with, “Let’s fight.” At Isa’s obvious confusion, Axel clarified, “I meant, let’s fight some Nobodies. I can’t stand bein’ down here anymore.” 

Even stunned, Isa still emitted an intense berserk magic that drew Lea in as much as it pressed them back. The nerves in their gut turned to smoldering embers, a tentative desire that Axel intended to stoke with some good old-fashioned brawling. With nary a backward glance, the redhead spun on his heel and strode out of the prison, through Nothing’s Call, and out into the dimly-lit cityscape beyond. Soft footsteps and the sensation of blazing electric heat on his bare back reassured Axel that Isa was following them.

The streets and back alleys of the World That Never Was were humid and rank, the air thick with industrial waste and urban decay. Idly, Axel wondered what existed before this non-world, or if like the Nobodies it was made entirely out of unwanted excess. _Doesn’t matter,_ Lea thought as they spotted a static group of Nobodies. _Let’s send these suckers back to wherever they came from._

Beside them, Isa practically _vibrated_ with unspent energy. Lea was no Keyblade Master (_yet_), and one of the _last_ people to hand out advice about managing one’s emotions, but nevertheless Axel understood that sometimes… _sometimes you just need to beat the crap outta some Nobodies_. 

A sudden realization struck. “Isa, wait,” Lea said. “You sure you’re gonna be okay without Lunatic?” They’d already summoned Axel’s chakrams, Flame Liberator eager and waiting in the depths of their heart. Isa was silent, however the look he gave Axel was enough to assuage his concern—alight with ill-contained _passion_, Isa looked more than capable of handling a band of low-level Nobodies. “Right,” Axel said, flames encircling them. The Nobodies jumped to attention, and the fight was on.

It was _breathtaking._

It had been years since Axel and Saïx fought together, back when Saïx’s eyes were still teal and Axel remembered what it was like to _care_ about someone. Even after Isa recompleted and Ansem gifted them with the Heartless replicator, the pair hadn’t trained together once. _What were we thinking?_ Lea asked, incredulous as they watched Isa toss a sniper _through_ a wall like it weighed nothing. The creature faded with a small burst of flames as Axel danced back to watch their lover.

Truthfully, their styles complemented one another. Fueled by wild magic, Isa rushed his opponents with a level of stamina Lea envied. Bright blue fire flared with each blow Isa landed, but even with his brute strength the older fought gracefully, each move calculated with cool precision. Whereas Lunatic had literally _dragged_ Saïx into battle, without it Isa’s berserk magic shifted and flexed around him; not _quite_ controlled, but enough that Lea wasn’t caught in its wake.

Their heart raced, and Axel laughed with just how _alive_ he felt. Fighting cleared his mind like little else could. Lea smirked as he set one of his Eternal Flames spinning toward a wayward Dusk. Unlike Isa, Axel preferred to fight at a distance. There was no time for anxiety, no time for sadness when he was scouting the field and planning his next attack. With a gleeful laugh, Lea darted in with his keyblade to strike two more enemies down before skipping out of the fray once more. 

Together, Axel and Isa tore through the Nobodies in no time flat. Just as Lea zeroed in on the last Dusk, he caught Isa staring at them out of the corner of his eye. It was then, and _only then_, that Lea remembered he was shirtless. The realization had Axel keenly aware of his body, the trickle of sweat and the flex of his core. _Better give him a show,_ Axel thought, and with a pointed wink Lea did just that—he let the flames lick his chest, and outright _moaned_ when he felt a spark burn the delicate skin around one of his nipples. All the while, Isa looked at him in a manner that could only be described as _leering_. 

“Finish it,” Isa all-but _commanded_. With a cheeky grin, Axel let his chakrams loose. The Dusk hadn’t even faded before Isa slammed into him. Isa’s hands grabbed Lea’s ass, greedily massaging him through the dark material. Axel buried his face against Isa’s neck, tasting the soft skin there, uncaring that he was _certainly_ leaving marks. Slender arms wrapped around Isa’s shoulders as the older man pushed Lea against an abandoned building, his own hands dipping underneath the redhead’s thighs to hoist him off the ground.

“_Fuck_,” Lea gasped, legs tightening around Isa’s waist. Even through their clothes, Lea could feel Isa’s erection, hard and _straining_ as his lover grinded into him. Their own arousal flared, post-fight adrenaline and Lea’s voyeuristic kink driving their need. “I-Isa…”

The blue-haired grunted, then slotted his mouth against Axel’s to muffle any other noises. Lea couldn’t keep his eyes open if he _tried_, surrendering to Isa’s kiss with a relieved moan. Isa’s tongue delved deep as it tangled alongside Lea’s. His hips shifted, and the friction between them increased. Trusting Isa wouldn’t drop them, Axel lowered his hands, desperately unbuttoning and unzipping to bring them together, skin-on-skin. Isa pulled off with a _hiss_ as he finally slid across Axel, who moved to brace his hands against the grimy wall.

Isa seemed frantic as he moved against them, tongue and _teeth_ pressed against Lea’s bare shoulder as he rutted into them. Axel was just as desperate as the Nobody wound his fingers into Isa’s mussed hair, pulling his lover closer. It wasn’t _comfortable_, per se, but the pain-tinged-pleasure matched the intensity of their joining. It felt like the culmination of weeks’ worth of drama, equal parts sweet and aching. “_Isa_,” Lea repeated. He felt feverish with need. “_Isa-ah—_”

“L-look at me,” Isa demanded. Axel did, meeting Isa’s moonlight-bright gaze. His berserk state didn’t frighten them, rather the opposite; Lea understood what Isa meant about the _power_ of it, knew he was almost weightless in Isa’s grasp and it _excited_ them. Their stomach tightened as the heat rose inside them, right on the edge of release when Isa murmured, “_Axel._”

It was that—the sound of _his_ name in _that_ voice—that had Axel coming wet and sticky in-between them. “_Gods_,” Lea exhaled, adrenaline fading even as Isa continued to grind into him. The feel of Isa, the _sounds_ he made as he came closer and closer to the edge, had Lea’s toes curling. “That’s it, come on,” he coaxed. Even though their legs felt like jelly, Axel still managed to tighten them further around Isa’s waist. “Been so long, ‘sa. Wanna feel it.”

“_L-Lea…_” The sound Isa made as he came was choked, hips stuttering as he added to the mess that painted their torsos. The sensation of their messy bodies sliding together was intoxicating, and Lea was unable to resist kissing Isa, albeit sloppily as both gasped from exertion and relief.

Slowly, Axel’s legs slid down Isa’s hips and back to the ground. Isa leaned against them, head tucked into the space between Lea’s neck and shoulder. Lea’s arms were still wrapped around Isa, who held Lea by the hips. It felt good, almost _too_ good, right until Lea felt a delicate, gentle touch brush across his scarred right side. 

“I have only ever wanted to keep you safe,” Isa whispered, as if he had shared his deepest, darkest secret. “Did I fail? Or was it Saïx? It’s so hard to keep track…”

Axel sighed, and kissed the top of Isa’s head. “I can take care of myself, ya know.”

“I know,” Isa admitted. “But then, what else can I possibly give?” Lea buried his face in Isa’s hair and breathed deep, ignoring the acrid stench of the deserted alley in favor of his lover. Cedar and frost. _Isa._ They’d gotten the fight out of their system, but Lea knew they weren’t finished yet. 

“C’mon,” he said, giving Isa a parting kiss before straightening. Grimacing with distaste as he fastened his pants, Lea waited until Isa had collected himself before taking the blue-haired’s hand. “Let’s get back inside.” Isa looked pensive, but followed Axel nonetheless. He kept quiet as Lea led them back toward the halls where the living quarters were located.

Cleaning up was awkward, but necessary (unless they wanted to sleep in their own collective mess, _no thanks_). Without discussing it, the pair came together in Axel’s Proof. “Doubt the Dusks are gonna do our laundry anymore,” Axel awkwardkly joked as they tossed his and Isa’s soiled garments into a messy pile. Thankfully, both of them still had spares in their old Proofs, however uncomfortable Isa looked in Saïx’s clothes.

Exhaustion dogged their every movement, as the previous night’s sleeplessness caught up with Lea. Nervous, he scratched the back of his head. “Um, you’re welcome to crash here. I, I mean… I want you to, but—” Lea huffed, annoyed with himself. “I’ll understand if you wanna sleep somewhere else.”

“I’ll stay,” Isa replied. “It would be unwise to separate now that we’ve attacked the Nobodies. We can sleep in shifts.”

That was a practical plan, but for once Lea had something _better_ in mind. With a flick of his wrist, Lea sealed the door with Flame Liberator. “That’s one less thing to worry about,” he said. His smile faded as Axel remembered the only furniture was his narrow bed. “You wanna share the bed, or—” He trailed off. It was what they wanted, of course, but there was still so much left unsaid between Lea and Isa. 

Isa lowered himself onto the mattress with a heavy sigh. “We’ve both been sleeping on the floor for over a week.” Lea’s features twisted up in confusion, but before they could ask Isa patted the space next to him. “Please, sit.”

It took them a few moments to get settled. They sat back-to-back, Isa’s legs crossed over the edge of the bed while Lea relaxed, one leg straight and the other bent. He draped his arm over his knee, idly fidgeting. “We just had sex,” he said, apropos of nothing.

“We did,” Isa agreed. “How does that make you feel?”

“Good, real good.” A pause, then Lea asked, “And you?”

“You’ll hear no complaints from me.” The pair shared a soft laugh, but Lea got the sense that there was more Isa wanted to say. “I must admit, I’ve been worried that we became intimate so soon after becoming whole again. Without—” Isa paused, as if searching for the right words. “—minimalizing what Axel and Saïx shared, the fact remains that we never slept together as Somebodies. Can I ask what led you to crawl into bed with me that first night?”

“Yeah just… lemme think about it for a sec?” Lea replied. Isa _hmmed_ his assent. Lea felt cool fingers curl around his where they rested on the mattress. It felt nice. Normal. “It was a lot of things, I guess. I was relieved, of course. I think I was worried it was all a dream, and when I woke up you’d be gone again. Or worse.” He swallowed thickly. Isa’s fingers tightened against Lea’s in wordless encouragement.

Axel added, “And well, our Somebodies might not have fucked yet, but our Nobodies sure made up for it.” They could practically _hear_ Isa roll his eyes. “I’d been sleeping with Saïx for _years_, so it felt like normal. After everything, I think I needed that.

“I suppose what I’m tryin’ to say is that it felt like the right thing to do,” Lea concluded. Since Lea first met Isa and decided that the quiet (but _cute_) blue-haired boy was going to be _his best friend_, he’d more-or-less followed Isa’s lead. Even if sometimes Isa didn’t realize where things stood—like how Lea had to let Isa know they were _boyfriends_ after they’d been dating for _months_—Lea would always be his.

_Until I wasn’t,_ Lea thought sadly. 

“The heart’s desire,” Isa said, almost wistfully. “I cannot help feel… _resentful_, I suppose, that so much of our lives were stolen from us. I never had the opportunity to grow up beside you, _with_ you. Sometimes I feel like a stranger, even to myself.” 

Lea pressed back against Isa. His solidness—his _presence_—helped allay the worst of his fears. _It’s now or never,_ Lea thought. “I’m sorry,” they said. “For— _gods_, I can’t even wrap my head around it. I’m… scared.” Axel let out a shaky breath. “All this time, I’ve been so _scared_. I lost everything—every_one_—and there was nothing I could do to make it right. And it’s just, it gets so hard to _think_ sometimes. I thought, maybe if I got the keyblade it would be enough, but it wasn’t. I choked, and Xemnas got the better of me. Again.

“But _somehow_, it all worked out. We got what we wanted. Roxas, Xion,” Lea tipped his head back against Isa’s. “_You._ Maybe it wasn’t how it _used_ to be, but we thought maybe, this time, it’d be even better. Then, just like _that_,” Axel snapped their fingers, “it all went away. I got scared, s-scared because…” Lea’s throat tightened. He was barely able to get the words out. “—b-because I thought you were gonna leave me. Because of _who_ I was.”

Pressed up as they were, Lea felt Isa shake his head. “Don’t be dumb,” Isa said. He squeezed Axel’s fingers before quietly adding, “I thought you didn’t need me anymore.”

“Don’t be dumb.” Lea rolled onto his hip, so that he could properly see Isa. He cupped Isa’s jaw with his free hand. “How could I _not_? Have you _seen_ all the stupid stunts I’ve pulled the past few weeks? I mean, I went to a bar yesterday to get drunk.” They’d let some of the… _less savory_ details of that particular misadventure go unsaid for the moment, Lea decided. “Someone’s got to keep an eye on me, right?”

Isa turned ever-so-slightly so that he could kiss their palm. “You’re worse than the teenagers,” he snarked. Their eyes met, and Isa held Lea’s gaze for a long moment before speaking again. “This isn’t over, you understand. I’m relieved that we’ve had this conversation, even if I’d have rather had it _at home_—” Lea winced, and Isa kissed him again. “We will make it work, I promise. If nothing else, I suspect Aqua wishes nothing more than to counsel us on our relationship. Remind me to show you the message she sent after I explained where we’d ended up…”

Lea nodded. It was more than he expected—more than he _deserved_, if he was being honest. “I’ll bring the ice cream,” he teased, leaning forward to kiss Isa before his boyfriend had the chance to respond. Isa was right; things weren’t fixed. That would take time and the kind of emotional work neither Isa nor Lea _nor Axel_ were practiced at. However, it was a start, and Lea knew it in _his-their-my_ heart that they’d be okay.

The kiss ended, but Lea stayed close. “What does your heart say?” he asked. Smiling, Isa pressed their foreheads together so that all Axel could see was his lover. 

“Forever.”


	9. hearts as one

_(It… didn’t hurt. Didn’t feel like _anything_, really._

_Lea—now Axel—stared disinterestedly at the small flame he’d conjured in his hand. Fire magic had always intrigued him. It was chaotic and willful, and almost too beautiful to control. He never minded when the fire came too close and burned him. That was just its nature._

_Axel stared unblinking at the fire he’d made and felt _nothing_. It refused to touch him, just like everything else in this new non-existence. Axel brought his lit hand to his chest and tried to push the fire _inside_, so that he could feel _something_ there. _Anything. _But all that did was extinguish the flame._

_Darkness surrounded him, cold and absolute. Axel was completely and totally alone._

_He couldn’t _feel_ fear, so then _why_ was he screaming, screaming, screaming—)_

“—Lea! Lea, wake up.” Axel’s heart _thrashed_ in their chest, as if it only just remembered it existed. Tired teal eyes—Isa’s—came into focus as Lea heaved lungful after lungful into their oxygen-starved body. “You’re having a nightmare,” Isa said. Lea could barely hear him over the rush of blood in his ears. “Whatever it is, it’s not real.”

“I-It was,” Axel gasped, even as he curled his fingers into Isa’s shirt and buried his face in the older man’s chest. He squeezed his eyes shut, unwilling (_unable_) to see them in the same room from their nightmare. Lea’d had his fair share of bad dreams since recompleting, but never _that_ one before. Its monotony belied how terrifying it was, precisely because it _had_ been real. That had been Axel’s night, _every_ night until he’d even forgotten what _loss_ felt like.

Lea was drawn out of his spiraling thoughts by a low humming sound. It took them a moment—and several uneven breaths—to realize that it was Isa softly humming a nursery rhyme that Lea, years and years before, told him had been his favorite growing up. He made it through three entire verses before Lea regained his voice. “S-sorry,” Lea rasped, at last able to open his eyes. Isa looked down at him, worry evident in his expression.

“You had a nightmare,” he repeated. “That is nothing to apologize for.” Isa let one of his hands slowly slide down Lea’s back, rubbing reassuringly. “Do you want to tell me what it was about?”

How Lea had gone without _this_, without Isa comforting and solid and _real_ beside him, he didn’t know. Exhausted as they were, it was easy to forget all the reasons why they’d tried to run away in the first place. “It was a… a memory,” Axel said. “Except, not exactly. I was Axel, but it wasn’t me. Or, maybe it was?” He sighed. “Tell me what it’s like for you, Isa. When you remember Saïx.”

The hand on his back stilled for a second as Isa held Lea a little tighter. “That depends on when you mean,” Isa replied, somewhat cryptically. “It’s difficult to put into words, although I suppose the simplest way to describe it would be as an out-of-body experience. I remember what Saïx did, even how he thought and rationalized his actions, yet at the same time those memories feel as if they belong to someone else.” Their lover resumed stroking their back. “You dreamt of being a Nobody again?”

“Y-yeah,” Lea said. “But also, not really. I was remembering what it was like, not feeling anything. Being completely and totally empty.” They shuddered. “It, _all_ of it, feels like it happened to me. Like, not just that I’m Axel, but _him_, too. The guy without a heart.” Lea shook his head, and added, “Sorry, that probably doesn’t make any sense.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Isa said. “I can only imagine what that must be like. Even near the end, when Saïx was actively plotting against Xehanort, _I_ was his goal. Being whole, in addition to… other desires.” Axel felt Isa tense underneath him. It still hurt to think about how disappointed Isa had been with the way things turned out. The needling sense of _I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t even exist_ returned, however Axel kept his mouth shut. Bringing up the past wouldn’t fix anything. “I think perhaps that is why berserking has unsettled me so much. I am not Saïx, but he and I share a body. I am uncomfortable having anything in common with my Nobody, let alone sharing something so fundamental to who _I _am.”

A moment passed, then another as Isa idly toyed with Lea’s hair. He had that tell-tale pensive look that Lea remembered from their youth; not his _I-have-a-secret_ expression (Isa _always_ had secrets), but his _should-I-tell-Lea-this-_particular_-secret _face. “What?” Lea asked. “Must be a good one. You look like you just took a bite out of a lemon.”

The silence dragged on a second longer as Isa bit his lip. When he spoke, each word sounded strained, almost as if he was _forcing_ himself to say them. “When you… _Axel_, said that you loved him. _Saïx_—” Isa practically spat the Nobody’s name. “—How did you know? And why? How could you possibly…”

“Isa, hey. Wait a sec, will ya?” The remnants of shivery panic from their nightmare had Axel’s limbs feeling weak even as he held onto Isa. However, Isa’s rigid muscles and the electric _hum_ in the air suggested their bedmate was wound tight. Axel took a deep breath, and felt Isa do the same. The static air cleared just a little bit, and the anxiety in his chest started to loosen.

“Do you remember when we used to study together, and you always gave me a hard time ‘cause I memorized things instead of learning them?” Isa nodded. “For me, not having a heart was kinda like that. I had my memories, but without any connection to them I guess I… forgot. Every day I’d wake up and it was like starting over. _Yesterday_ didn’t matter, and _tomorrow_ didn’t matter. The only thing I couldn’t forget were my memories of you. That’s why—no matter what—I always kept coming back to him.

“Then, I met Roxas.” Isa grimaced, just a little bit, but noticeable enough that Lea relaxed one of his hands enough to press his palm against their lover’s chest. “He was always askin’ me all these questions about what it was like to live. The sorts of things we took for granted, because they lived in our memories.”

“If Saïx had known what effect Roxas would have on you, he never would have assigned you to watch over him,” Isa admitted.

“If _Axel_ had known, he would’ve made someone else do it no matter what Saïx said,” Axel replied. It was strange how the more Lea-and-Axel came together the less and less the Nobody felt like… well, _the Nobody_ they had once been.

Axel went on. “I can’t say when it started, but I’ll never forget where I first _felt_ something. Castle Oblivion.” The look Lea and Isa shared was grim. _Why is it that we have such rotten luck with castles? _Axel asked himself, then added, “I had just let Naminé escape—did I ever mention that it was me who did that?” Judging from the surprised look on Isa’s face, the answer was an obvious _no_. “_Anyways_, Vexen was ashes and Riku was keeping the basement dwellers on their toes, but Sora was playing _right_ into Marluxia’s hands. So, I decided to mix things up.

“I remember… _laughing_. I thought it was _funny_, how easily Marluxia’s plans were unraveling. I _enjoyed_ it, Isa.” Axel shook his head. “But then it went away, and I figured it was a fluke. Some sorta memory that only _felt_ real because that’s what the Castle did to people. Guess _that_ should have been a clue, since I wasn’t exactly a person back then, but you get what I mean, right?”

Isa pursed his lips. “Saïx’s experience was… different, I suppose. At the very least, he was aware that getting closer to Xehanort’s Nobody entailed certain, well, _consequences_. Whatever emotions he was capable of were limited to those that originate from darkness.”

“Don’t know if that makes it better or worse,” Lea admitted. “To feel only the worst emotions, or to get enjoyment from the things Axel did. That _I_ did.”

“Zugzwang,” Isa muttered. At Lea’s confused look, he clarified, “In chess, when a player is forced to move even though doing so will put them at a disadvantage. A no-win scenario.” A pause, then. “Xehanort enjoyed chess.”

“Uh-huh.” _One of those weird heart-vessel things? _Axel guessed. “After Castle Oblivion, as things kept getting worse, I got more and more confused. All these memories from when I was human… I never lost them, but suddenly they _meant _somethin’ to me again. It was hard to look at Saïx and not see _you_, Isa.” Axel laughed, but it was a broken, hollow-sounding thing. “I loved Saïx because Lea loved Isa.”

The emotional toll of the past—_what? _Day? Two weeks? A _month_?—weighed them down. Despite how much Lea wanted to avoid it, they felt the familiar signs of drowsiness settling over them. Lea sagged against Isa, who laid back in response until the redhead was practically sprawled on top of him. Somehow, for _some reason_, Isa was smiling. Lea didn’t press; he knew that _I-have-a-secret-and-I’m-not-telling _look as well. Instead, Isa pressed a chaste kiss to Lea’s temple and hugged him even closer. “He’s gone,” Isa murmured. He didn’t specify who _he_ was, exactly, but Axel supposed it did not matter.

The gentle motion of Isa’s hand on his back was lulling him back to sleep. The ever-present fear in their chest felt muted; still there, but its edges blunted. Lea’s eyes closed as _warmth_ and _sleep_ and _Isa_ tugged him back down into unconsciousness.

Half-asleep, he managed to whisper, “We’re the only people in this world.” Lea drifted off to the sound of Isa’s soft laughter.

It was a beautiful sound.

Lea slept, dreamless, until the most _wonderful _sensation brought him back to waking.

_Warm. Wet. Oh, gods… _Lea awoke to a sultry moan—_his_—as his muscles trembled from unexpected pleasure. Green eyes cracked open to reveal an erotic sight: Isa between their legs, one hand spread across their stomach underneath Lea’s shirt, the other gently holding their erection at its base as their lover sucked them. Naked, too. “F-fuck, Isa,” Axel gasped, taking a handful of blue hair in a firm grip as they unconsciously thrust into Isa’s perfect mouth.

Isa’s tongue dragged along the underside of Lea’s cock as he bobbed up and down, saliva making a mess—not that either man cared. At the faintest sensation of teeth, Axel moaned. “Should, should wake up like this every day,” he panted, resisting the effort to close his eyes just so that he could continue watching. Isa hummed, the vibration caressing them _just so_; Axel moaned again, louder. Mischievous teal eyes met theirs briefly, before Isa moved his hand so that he could take Lea’s cock deeper.

Lea spread their knees wide, heels pressed into the bed so they could properly _thrust_. Isa choked and pulled off. “Behave yourself,” he warned, voice hoarse. Glancing up, Isa made sure Lea was watching as he slipped two fingers into his mouth. Lea whimpered and bit their lip. Their arousal was _throbbing_. Having thoroughly coated them, Isa removed his fingers. “I have dreamt of doing this for years,” he admitted, before ducking down to kiss at the base of their shaft. Soft, plush lips slid up once more before Isa swallowed Axel again.

“W-what?” Axel gasped. _Years? _“You, you mean…” Isa _hmmed_ his assent, tracing his moistened digits towards Axel’s backside.

“I was sixteen and curious,” Isa replied, calm as could be considering the finger he’d slipped inside Lea’s body. His lover briefly tested Axel out, and when he felt no resistance pressed the second in as well. Lea _keened_, the slow pace both relaxing and exciting his sleepy body. “And Saïx tried on several occasions to persuade Xemnas that rooming in pairs would preserve vital resources, but to no avail. Were either of us skilled liars, Axel would have grown accustomed to waking like this.”

Isa’s words had warmth spreading throughout them, heart _and_ groin. _Sa__ï wanted this? _Axel gasped, as Lea said, “N-no time like the, _mmph_, present.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

Isa descended onto Axel again, and the twin sensation of his lover’s mouth around him and his fingers spreading deep inside him had the redhead moaning with every exhale. Axel whined as Isa brushed against his prostate, pressure building rapidly. “_Ah_, I’m gonna… g-gonna come,” he warned.

Rather than speak, Isa instead swallowed around him, throat and tongue working _miracles_ against Lea’s cock. Spit dribbled down, wet and sticky, just enough slick to let Isa push another finger inside. The _burn_ had Lea locking up, entire frame tense as he released. Isa kept his mouth on him the entire time, only pulling off once the blue-haired was _certain_ he’d taken everything Lea could give him. However, he kept his fingers inside, thrusting and stretching Axel lazily. Unhurriedly.

_We’re the only people in this world, _Lea remembered. They could take as long as they wanted. They could be as _loud_ as they wanted. They could do. _Whatever. They. Wanted._

Axel smirked. “Mmm, Isa. Stop for a second, please? Wanna get this off,” he said, picking idly at his sweat-soaked tank. Isa looked like he’d rather _not_ stop fingering Lea, however he sat back with a matching smirk. Lea nearly lost it when Isa swiped his thumb across the corner of his mouth, gathering what little come had dribbled past and making eye contact as he _sucked_ the digit in. “_Fuck_,” Lea whimpered. They practically tore their shirt in a rush to get it off, to have Isa pressed up against them, skin-to-skin. “What’s got you like this?”

Isa’s thumb slipped out with a soft _pop_, his gaze preternaturally lit and intent on Lea. The redhead felt a shiver run up-and-down their spine as they let Isa pull them into his lap, straddling their lover.

“You’re not the only one capable of spontaneity,” Isa remarked, hands on Lea’s hips so that he could pull his lover down against him. “I could not sleep, so, _ah—_” Isa gasped as Axel caught the rhythm and began moving sensuously against him. “You are so beautiful, I could hardly resist. Then I remembered that I did not have to.”

The pair locked gazes, and it was only then that Axel noticed the wet glisten in Isa’s eyes. Lea felt his expression soften as Isa spared a hand to cup his face. “I want to create better memories than you had with him.” Isa’s thumb swept across Lea’s cheek, smearing his purple charms. “Axel, I want to give you more than _he_ ever could. Will you let me?”

Lea, no _Axel’s_ eyes widened in shock. “Y-you want me?” he asked hoarsely. “_Me?_”

Isa smiled, and brought their foreheads together. The movement pulled them even closer, and Axel moaned as his cock moved silkily past Isa’s. “You’re a part of Lea, and he is a part of you.” Their faces were close enough that their lips brushed as Isa added, “You’ve always had my heart.”

“Oh _fuck_,” Axel said, fingers grasping tangled blue locks as he kissed Isa with all the passion he could muster. All this time, they’d convinced themselves that Isa didn’t want Axel, could never _love_ Axel as he did Lea. Warmth pulsed throughout their body as one of the few remaining walls separating _Axel_ from _Lea_ vanished. A thought occurred to him, and Axel grinned wickedly. “Alright, then lemme do something for you. Something new.”

Isa let Lea push him down until his back was flush against the narrow bed, then the redhead got up on his knees so that he was pressed oh-so-_deliciously_ against Isa’s arousal. His partner’s eyes lit up with understanding, and he moved to hold onto Lea and help him into place as he straddled Isa. Axel reached back and, as he moved, guided Isa inside of him, the familiar _fullness_ at odds with the untried position.

Lea braced himself on Isa’s shoulders as he fucked himself at a languid pace. Isa watched him with rapturous focus, his fingers no doubt bruising Lea’s waist where he held him. “I-Isa,” Axel moaned as he slid down, his lover so deep inside him that he was sure to feel it long after they’d finished. _Something_ about the way Isa was looking at him, like he was the only thing in the world, somehow made everything feel so much better. “You feel so good.”

Beneath him, Isa groaned. Whatever tenuous control he had been holding onto snapped, and Isa held Lea in place as he thrust his hips up into him. The sudden movement had Axel crying out in ecstasy as his fingers unconsciously tightened around Isa’s shoulders. “Please, please touch me,” he begged, worried he’d collapse if he moved his arms even an _inch_.

Isa hummed, taking Axel in hand even as the pair worked against each other, Isa pressing _up_ just as Lea grinded _down_. “Let me take care of you,” he murmured, breath and words equally heated. Lea could feel it as Isa spread his own pre- around the head, wrist twisting _just so_ and wringing more delirious sounds from Lea.

“_Please!_” Lea cried, heat and pressure building in his core as Isa’s cock moved inside him _so perfectly_, spots dancing across his vision. “Need you, Isa. A-ah!”

Isa’s other arm wrapped around Lea’s waist, and he tucked his face into the redhead’s neck, kissing the soft skin there. His boyfriend tilted his head up to murmur in Lea’s ear, “I’ve got you,” in a tone that sent shivers down Lea’s spine.

“Yours,” Axel gasped, “Always yours, Isa.” With Isa’s hand supporting him from behind, Axel released his hold on Isa’s shoulders and leaned back. The new angle made it possible to move even faster as Lea rode Isa, the other man still stroking him at a quick pace. Lea felt his orgasm fast approaching, pleasure coiling deep inside, just _aching_ to burst.

“_Lea!_” Isa shouted, entire body going rigid as he came. Axel could feel Isa pulsing and throbbing inside of him, and it was _so good_, almost enough, _almost there_— Isa thumbed the head of his cock _just so_, right as one of his aftershocks had him instinctively fucking Lea _right where he needed it_, and just like that the Axel peaked, releasing warm and sticky between his and Isa’s panting, sweat-covered bodies. The men came together, as if pulled by some sort of magnetic force as they frantically kissed, expending whatever energy remained against each other’s lips. Axel didn’t care how Isa’s teeth gnashed against his lips, or how he missed Isa’s mouth and sloppily kissed just under his lover’s bottom lip. As both their bodies quaked in the aftermath, it was enough just being together.

Eventually their heart rates slowed and their breathing eased even as Lea and Isa kept exchanging long, loving kisses. Like the previous night, whatever post-coital chemicals Axel’s brain was soaking in made all his baggage, all their unresolved issues, seem far, far away. Nestled against Isa, Axel felt untouchable. They took it in turns to wash up in the adjacent bathroom, where Lea at last washed the faded and smeared charms off his cheeks. _Don’t need these anymore_, they thought.

Unfortunately, the _World That Never Was (Theirs) _was no place for a vacation, and before Lea knew it Riku was calling to let them know he and Aqua had landed just outside the Castle perimeter. As he hung up Lea looked at Isa longingly, however his lover merely rolled his eyes.

“You just threw an interstellar tantrum,” Isa oh-so-helpfully reminded them. “You’re entitled to a lecture or two.”

Lea huffed as he shoved what little he’d brought into a duffel. “Just because _you_ have no flair for dramatics…” Axel glanced up when Isa pointedly cleared his throat, blue lightning dancing across his fingertips. The redhead rolled his eyes. “Show off,” he muttered, annoyed and yet impressed by how quickly Isa was learning to control his magic.

By the time Lea and Isa made their way to the ship, Aqua was waiting for them, arms crossed with an expectant look on her face. “You scared pretty much everyone,” she said, causing Lea to flush with embarrassment. (Although, it seemed like maybe, _just maybe_ she’d said that to _both_ of them. _Nah, what’s she got to be cross with Isa for? _Lea asked himself. _Dunno. Women are confusing, _Axel replied.)

Once onboard, Lea tossed the wadded-up bundle of Axel’s Organization coat onto one of the bunks in the hold. Unlike the more agile fighter models, this gummiship was a large transporter—the same one they’d taken to the Keyblade Graveyard, in fact. From the rear, Lea could barely see Riku at the controls. Back then, they’d followed Sora as he cleared a path for the slower ship. Axel wondered if Riku still kept an eye out for Sora’s ship, if that’s why he kept volunteering to ferry the Guardians from world to world.

Someone cleared their throat, shaking Lea from his thoughts. Both Aqua and Isa stood there, looking pensive. That, along with their body language had Lea on the defensive even as he joked, “Are you _sure_ you’re not long-lost siblings? Blue hair can’t be _that_ common, right?”

Aqua’s eyes narrowed. _Uh-oh_, Lea thought. _Here we go… _“I don’t think now is the time for jokes, Lea,” she replied. “You’re lucky Isa thought to call Terra, Ventus, and I before Roxas and Xion came home from school to find you both missing. They’ve been worried sick about you.” Axel winced, acid-like guilt pooling in his gut. Still, Aqua wasn’t finished. “I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been going through, but running off like that was reckless.”

With Isa there, Axel couldn’t help but feel slightly ganged-up on. “Could have told me off in _private_, y’know,” Lea griped. Isa folded his arms and cocked an eyebrow.

“It’s not as if I wasn’t there for this latest misadventure.”

“Oh, you’re not off the hook either,” Aqua remarked. Axel felt the tiniest bit of relief as Aqua turned her _I’m-not-angry-I’m-just-disappointed_ look on Isa. “When Terra told you to ‘stop waiting around and drag Lea out of the house,’ this wasn’t what he meant.”

Suddenly, Axel and Isa were trying to talk over one another.

“I had _no idea_ where he was going—”

“—what do you mean ‘drag Lea out of the house?’”

Aqua held up one hand, shushing them both. “Isa, I’m sorry, but as your friend I have to say something.” Judging from the look on Isa’s face, that was the _last_ thing he wanted her to do. “Lea—”

“Axel.” He wasn't sure _why_, but in that moment it felt… important, more like _him_ to be called ‘Axel.’

Aqua sighed. “Fine. _Axel_, do you have any idea how much you mean to Isa? You are practically all he talks about.” She let out a soft chuckle; meanwhile, Isa’s face had gone as red as Lea’s hair. “Honestly, it would be a little worrisome except he’s so obviously smitten with you.”

Axel gave himself a moment to dwell on that thought—_smitten!_—before his self-doubt returned in force. “There’s a difference between loving someone and letting them in,” he said, pointedly _not_ looking at Isa.

However, that didn’t stop Isa from replying, “You make it sound as if I don’t trust you.”

“Don’t you?”

Blue sparks. A growling voice, “Well, _whose_ bright idea was it to run halfway across the universe without saying a word?”

Flickering flames, then a frustrated snarl, “You’re always bringin’ up the past—”

“It was _yesterday_!”

“Whoa!” A cool breeze rushed into the space, Aqua’s spell snapping _Lea_ back to himself. “Didn’t you two talk _at all_ while you were stranded there?” Aqua turned _that look_ back on Isa, however Lea was starting to feel agitated and left out. “Isa, you promised me that you would try to talk things out.”

Clearly Lea wasn’t the only one who looked—or rather _felt_—agitated. “We did,” Isa snapped. “Several times, if you must know.” Lea’s heart was racing, adrenaline thrumming through his veins until he felt Axel’s calm, yet sardonic temperament take hold. A faint thread of disappointment wove its way through their heart as Lea thought, _things seemed so much better, though. Haven’t we done enough talking for one day?_

“I’m glad, but it seems like there’s some issues left to resolve,” Aqua replied. Her gaze, when it shifted to Axel, oddly softened. “I know your relationship isn’t any of our business, however in one way or another we’ve all been affected as well. Since we have time, I think it might help to talk about some of your intimacy issues with someone other than yourselves.”

“Well if _that’s_ the case, we have nothing to worry about,” Axel purred. He shifted his hips _just so_, just to feel that pleasant ache. Isa’s face flushed with embarrassment.

Yet Aqua was undeterred. “I didn’t mean _intimacy _like that. Having sex doesn’t magically solve all your problems.” Even Isa looked a bit taken aback by _that_, and for the millionth time Lea wondered just _what_ Aqua and Terra’s relationship was about. However, before he could continue down that rabbit hole, Aqua went on. “I’m talking about your emotional intimacy.” The blue-haired Master put a thoughtful finger to her bottom lip. “Such as, what bothers you the most about one another?”

Axel opened his mouth to retort that she was right, that _wasn’t _any of her business, but before he could get a word out Isa spoke up. “You never think things through,” he complained, words rushed as if he’d put _a lot_ of thought into all of Lea’s shortcomings. “You don’t stop and think, you just act on impulse. I never know what to expect from you, and that—” Isa paused. He exhaled, and it shuddered. “That upsets me, because I _do_ want to trust you, Lea.”

“You never tell me what’s going on,” Axel said, glaring at the floor as he spoke, Aqua’s presence all-but forgotten. “It’s like you have these hour-long conversations with yourself so that by the time you finally loop me in, it feels more like you’re feeding me lines rather than just talking to me.” He paused, unsure what he wanted to say next. Truthfully, Lea knew he wasn’t a planner; never had been, and never would be. But that didn’t mean he wanted to be controlled, either.

A gentle hand on Lea’s shoulder caused him to startle. Aqua looked up at him with big, sincere blue eyes. “How does that make you feel, Axel?”

Lea looked at Isa, who seemed torn between frustration and concern. _Right there with ya, buddy_, Axel whispered in their mind. Lea barely heard him. “I don’t mind bein’ told what to do, but when I don’t know what’s going on it feels like I’m just a pawn in someone else’s game.” Isa winced; Axel wondered if he was remembering how Saïx used him as a weapon against Xemnas and the Organization. Softer, Lea reassured his lover, “I’m _yours_, Isa. Always have been, and always will be.”

“But you’re not,” Isa replied. His words went through Lea like an unpleasant shock, but before he could ask what the hell _that_ was supposed to mean, Isa added, “You make friends everywhere you go. Always picking up stray puppies,” Isa smirked, and the expression helped Lea relax. “I struggle, sharing you with others, wondering when the day will come when you find someone else, someone better than… than me.” Isa whispered the last part, and Lea felt his heart ache.

“Should know by now you’re never gettin’ rid of me,” Axel said. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore, ‘cause I’m not the same person I used to be. ‘Cause I messed up everything you planned.”

“You make me sound like some sort of mastermind,” Isa quipped, but his smile was warm and reassuring. Lea reached out, and Isa took the redhead’s hand in his own, thumb brushing over Lea’s knuckles. “It’s more like endless daydreaming, you know.”

“I guess Terra was right,” Aqua said, interrupting the moment. “You’re both so worried about losing one another, and of reliving past mistakes. That’s ironic, coming from him.” Her lips twitched as she tried (and failed) to suppress a satisfied smile. “You both need help figuring out how to let yourselves be vulnerable around one another. Some communication skills probably wouldn’t hurt either,” she added with a smirk.

Lea rubbed the back of his head with his free hand. “I’m not so good with opening up, or you know, using my words. Got a little too used to bein’ alone with myself.” Lea felt Isa’s grip on him tighten, and he returned the gesture.

“How about a journal?” Aqua asked. “It can be for yourself, or if you’re comfortable with it you could use it to talk without using words.” Aqua chuckled, then corrected herself. “I mean, _spoken_ words.”

“You know, that idea’s not half-bad,” Axel admitted. He glanced over to Isa. “Should put all those report-writing skills your Nobody drilled into us back to work, right?”

“You’d let me read it? Your writing, that is?” Lea nodded. “I would be willing to do the same, of course.”

Aqua _tsk’ed_, shaking her finger at Isa. “Nu-uh. You _know_ what it is we’ve been telling you to do.” Isa rolled his eyes, the gesture eerily reminiscent of the teenager Lea had first fallen for. Axel cocked an eyebrow at Aqua, who explained: “_Mister Mastermind_ needs to learn to be more spontaneous, don’t you think? Less planning, more living.”

Isa flushed a _very_ lovely pink as Lea laughed. “Spontaneous, eh?” he said, hip-checking his lover. “Y’know, I got the _strangest_ feeling I heard that word recently—” Whatever else Lea was about to say was abruptly cut off as Isa covered his mouth with his hand.

Meanwhile, Aqua’s eyes had lit up with barely-contained glee. “Oh, really?” she asked, smirking at Isa. “If there’s a story you wouldn’t mind sharing—”

“Please don’t!” shouted Riku. Despite his embarrassment, Isa laughed; as soon as he dropped his hand, Lea and Aqua joined him. It felt good. Almost like the old times.

The rest of the trip to Twilight Town was uneventful. Lea spent most of it sprawled out on one of the lower bunks, one knee bent with his other leg pressed tight against Isa, who had an arm around Lea’s waist. It was the sort of casual touching they’d done constantly as starry-eyed teenagers, and despite the high risk of PDA Lea was thrilled that he and Isa could have that level of closeness again. Luckily, Aqua didn’t seem bothered as she and Isa chatted amiably, Axel content to quietly listen to the pair talk about a book series they’d started together. Aqua seemed like a genuinely nice person, and privately Lea resolved to get to know her better.

It wasn’t until Riku dropped them off on the outskirts of town that Axel felt his nerves returning. He hadn’t just been a rotten partner to Isa; he’d been a pretty terrible friend to Roxas and Xion, as well. The closer and closer to home they got, the quieter and more anxious Lea became. Although Isa continued to hold his hand and offer a reassuring squeeze every now and again, they both knew that this was something that Axel needed to handle on his own. _Now, if only I could figure out how to say any of this stuff to them, _he thought helplessly as their house came into view.

Once inside, Isa offered the Wayfinders drinks and a light snack before they returned to the Land of Departure. The subtle hint was not lost on Axel, nor was the far less subtle _look_ Ventus gave him as he followed the adults into the kitchen. Roxas and Xion stayed seated on the sofa bed; Xion had tucked her thumbs into the long sleeves of her shirt, and Roxas refused to even look at Lea.

Axel sighed, completely at a loss. He understood now what both Isa and Aqua had tried explaining earlier; Lea liked to solve all his problems with actions rather than words. With Isa, that meant physical intimacy, but with his best friends… A smile spread across Axel’s face, and he snapped his fingers as an idea struck him. The sound startled both teens, who looked up at him instinctively.

“Let’s go get some ice cream,” Axel said. More softly, he added, “That way, we have something to munch on while we talk.”

The walk into town was uneventful and awkwardly silent. It reminded Axel a little _too_ much of the last few times they’d gone to the clock tower together, when everything was falling apart. Lea decided to break the ice. “Did I ever tell you how this little tradition of ours started out?” Neither Roxas nor Xion answered, but then again Lea hadn’t expected them to; he knew he’d never told them this story. Remembering stuff had always made Axel uncomfortable, although now he understood why that was.

“It’s something me ‘n Isa used to do after we got caught trying to sneak into Ansem’s castle,” Lea said. “You see, both of us used to get really bored in school, so we’d come up with all sorts of crazy plans. It was like an adventure, or somethin’. And at the end of the day, it didn’t really matter that we barely made it past the front gates. This right here?” Lea held up one of the bars he’d just bought for them. “Made the whole thing worth it.”

“Icing on the cake,” Roxas muttered, which had Axel smiling. Of course, there was more to the story that _that_—such as what happened when they’d stumbled into the dungeons hidden deep below the radiant castle halls and discovered a girl their age who couldn’t remember who she was, not even her name. Then their ‘apprenticeship,’ if one could call experimentation and imprisonment such a thing… but Lea wasn’t ready to talk about that yet.

Besides, _that_ wasn’t the point of the story. “Bein’ a Nobody, I forgot about all that. The good stuff. Without you two, I don’t know if I ever would have remembered.” By then, they’d reached the top of the clocktower. Axel took his usual seat, scratching the back of his head with his free hand as he added, “I don’t know if I ever said ‘thank you’ for that, so if I didn’t, here it is.” He took a deep breath. “Thanks. And, um, well… sorry, too.”

A moment passed before Axel worked up the courage to look to his left. Roxas was almost, but _not quite_ glaring down at the half-eaten ice cream he held. Xion _was_ looking at them, but her eyes seemed tired and far-too weary for a girl who looked as young as she did. _Gods, _did Lea feel guilty for causing them so much trouble.

He sighed, and set his own ice cream down on the ledge beside him. Nerves had his stomach all tied up in knots. “The thing is, I still don’t have all my emotions figured out yet. I see Isa, Aqua, Ienzo… hell, even _Riku_, and I wonder how they’re keepin’ it together. Everything just feels so, so _intense_, all the time.” Axel laughed, self-deprecating. “And _I’m_ supposed to be some kind of adult? Since when?

“But truth is, I _am_, and that means it’s on me to figure all this stuff out. Just ‘cause me and Isa had all those years stolen from us doesn’t give me the right to wreck everything for you.”

On Roxas’s far side, Xion sniffled. “Why didn’t you tell us all this before?” she asked. “I thought we all promised no more secrets?”

“I swear, I didn’t mean to keep any of this from you,” Lea replied. “It’s somethin’ I’m only just now figuring out. Isa helped me see it, and Aqua, too. I think—” Axel frowned, struggling to put his racing thoughts in order. “I’ve been all mixed up for a while now. Since Castle Oblivion, but more so after I was recompleted. I wasn’t dealing with it, and I guess neither was Isa. But this whole existential crisis kinda made me confront things about my past and who I am, not that I exactly _wanted_ to.” Like how he’d gone from an exuberant kid full of _life_ and _emotion_ to a half-dead husk in the blink of an eye. Lea shivered as he remembered his nightmare. “But I’m babbling, so. Yeah. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing,” Xion said. “Just don’t keep pushing us away. We’re best friends, and that means helping each other out when things are bad. So we can make everything better for one another, right?” Axel met Xion’s teary gaze, and smiled. He’d never know what he did to deserve these kids, but he was going to do whatever he could to be better for them. And Isa, too.

Beside him, Roxas remained silent. Lea risked bumping the younger man with his shoulder. “C’mon Rox,” he said, half-teasingly. “I’ve been getting lectured at all day. Whatever it is, I can take it.”

Roxas sighed. “It’s fine.”

“Nice try, bud,” Lea retorted. “You’re just about as good a liar as Isa, you know that? But if there’s anything I’ve gotten out of all those scoldings, it’s been that you gotta tell people what’s bothering ya. Otherwise, you might end up sleeping on the bathroom floor for a week before running away to a creepy, abandoned castle.”

“So, is this just _it_ then? Just like that, and it’s over?” Roxas asked, clearly upset. “What if I don’t want to accept your apology, huh? Then what?”

“Roxas—” Xion started, but Lea held up a hand.

“It’s okay, Xion,” he told her, before looking to Roxas. “You don’t have to accept my apology, Roxas. Honestly, I haven’t done much to earn your and Xion’s forgiveness, but I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance to start making things right again.”

“You don’t understand.” Roxas clenched his fists. “I was _happy_, all right? When you told me that you were still Axel, it made me so happy because Axel’s my friend and I thought I’d never get to see him again, because if _Isa_ isn’t _Saïx_ then that meant _Lea_ wasn’t _Axel_ and—”

“Hey, whoa, slow down,” Lea interrupted. “Breathe Roxas, no one’s passing out on the clocktower again, got it memorized?” Roxas scowled, but did take a couple breaths. His hands unclenched a little, as well. “Do you remember the day we came up here and you two were askin’ about what made us in the Organization different from the other Nobodies? Remember what I said about who I used to be?”

“You told us that you were pretty much the same as your human self,” Xion answered. Lea nodded.

“That was true then, but it wasn’t always,” Lea said. “Before I met you guys, I was a real Nobody. I didn’t feel anything, couldn’t care about anyone at all. Not even Saïx, not really.” Axel set his hand on Roxas’s shoulder. “_That_ Axel isn’t the same Axel, or—” he stammered “—or Lea? Or, well, you know. The whole thing’s a mess.”

Roxas chuckled, and the sound warmed Axel’s heart. “Try living in someone else’s heart for over a year. With roommates,” he joked. Xion laughed as well, and soon all three were laughing together, just like old times.

Eventually, Lea calmed down enough to say, “The point is, I wouldn’t be who I am without you two. I wouldn’t be here at all, because I—y’know, _Axel_—never would have existed. It’s taken me awhile to realize what a… what a _gift_ that is.” Axel was crying, _again_, but he didn’t mind so much. They were happy tears.

“You big _sap_,” Roxas snarked, but Lea wasn’t fooled; he could see the blonde had teared up, too. Roxas smiled, and added, “Fine, apology accepted. And I’m glad you’re back. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, buddy,” Axel replied. He looked over at Xion, whose expression had shifted to concerned. “Xion? What’s wrong?”

“Your ice cream melted,” Xion replied. Lea turned to look, and sure enough all that remained of his dessert was a wooden stick floating in a pool of bright-blue cream. But something was different. Axel picked up the stick, and as he did the letters _‘-NER’_ were revealed.

“You got a winner!” Roxas shouted, and on his far side Xion cheered. “That’s your first one, right?”

_Is it? _Lea asked, but no response came. He smiled, staring out at Twilight Town’s eternal sunset. His heart swelled, whole and healing. Lea scraped the rest of the melted mess off on the edge of the balcony, then tucked the still-tacky stick into his pocket. He couldn’t wait to show Isa; his boyfriend once bet him five munny the prize sticks weren’t real.

“Yep.” He grinned, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. “I’m a winner, all right.”


	10. [epilogue] six months later

Lea woke to warmth—both from the morning rays of Twilight Town’s eternal sunset as it filled the room with orange hues _and_ the possessive arm that wrapped over Lea’s side and up his back. Isa was still fast asleep, so Lea let himself doze as he listened to his lover’s deep, rhythmic breathing.

It still surprised Lea how _strange_ it felt to have such a normal life. (Or, as normal as two ex-Nobodies and two replicas-_slash_-ex-Nobodies could be.) After a decade of being an emotionless shell, _then _growing a new heart and dying only to be reborn… _and then_ bringing his best friends and lover home only to nearly lose them and himself in the chaos of becoming whole again—he’d been through a lot. They _all_ had.

It had been Aqua who suggested that they all take a few months’ break and just _live_ a little. Together with Terra, the three of them had put together a routine, with several inputs from Roxas and Xion—even Ventus pitched in. They’d never get all those years they’d lost back, but Lea had to admit that simply _living_ with Isa—the reserved, protective and utterly breathtaking man he’d fallen for all those years ago—wasn’t a bad trade.

Of course, it wasn’t _all_ fun and games and playing house. Aqua and Terra had teamed up to make _reasonably_ well-adjusted adults out of Isa and Lea; _hells_, Aqua had gone so far as to enlist _Yen Sid_ of all people to whip Lea into shape. Training for the Mark of Mastery had forced Lea to tie all the tangled threads of his and Axel’s joined heart together to make… well, _him_. Not just Lea, and not just Axel, but someone _more_. Someone _better_, hopefully.

Still, like Xion, Roxas, and Naminé, being a Nobody with a heart meant that Axel wasn’t _entirely_ normal. Rather than distinct personalities, _Lea_ and _Axel_ had were more like different moods for the redhead. Most days, he was _Lea_: outgoing, enthusiastic, and slightly-too impulsive. However, every third day or so he was _Axel_. It was a far cry from his time as a heartless assassin, but nevertheless on those days he was more apt to smirk than smile, more aggressive than patient. Where Axel said ‘I love you’ more, Lea was more openly affectionate. There were other subtle differences, all of which Isa knew by heart.

Lea glanced up as Isa’s breathing hitched, a stuttered inhale followed by a long exhale as the other man slowly woke. It had become a game between them, of Isa trying to figure out where his lover’s heart was at on any given day. Isa swore he was _so close_ to figuring out a pattern, and like the loving partner he was, Lea did everything in his power to throw Isa off his game.

Isa’s beautiful teal eyes opened, and Lea felt his heart swell, completely in love.

No matter what, in the soft and hazy glow of the morning sun, he was _always_ Lea to Isa. (Not that Axel minded; it _was_ his name, after all.)

With a small grunt, Isa sat up. Lea rolled onto his stomach, hugging a pillow to his bare chest so that he could look up at Isa without straining his neck. As Isa had moved, the blankets had fallen into his lap, leaving his entire chest exposed. Lea bit his lip as he felt a familiar heat flare deep inside.

It was a _nice_ view.

“Last night was fun,” Lea said with a smirk. A few months earlier, Isa had admitted to Lea that he was interested in exploring some of the more… _adventurous_ features of Axel and Saïx’s sex life for himself. The silk ties had been fun, but the ropes he’d used on Lea the previous night were even better. “Think we should spring for a four-post bed? Could be fun, tied up all nice an’ spread out for each other…” Lea’s grin widened as he let himself (briefly) imagine it. _Talk about a nice view_, he thought. _Definitely need the four-poster._

Isa hummed noncommittally, however Lea could tell from the pretty flush of his cheeks that his lover was equal parts embarrassed and intrigued by his suggestion. Rather than answer him, Isa reached out and took one of Lea’s hands into his own.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, gently tracing his thumb over the fading bruises encircling Lea’s wrists.

“Hmm, sore,” Lea admitted. He stretched, grinning as he registered a handful of aches that bloomed across his body. “But good. A good sore.”

“I’m pleased to hear it.” Isa pulled Lea’s wrist to his lips for a sweet, chaste kiss—an act _so_ unlike what he’d done to put the marks there in the first place.

“So… a four-post bed?”

Isa rolled his eyes. “I will _consider _it.” Lea smiled and propped himself up on his elbows to give Isa a proper ‘good morning’ kiss. Morning breath aside, Lea revelled in the unhurried, thorough manner in which Isa kissed him. Like he was _treasured_. With a quiet moan, Lea slipped his tongue into the kiss, eager to return that passion. The heat between them built, and Lea wondered if they had enough time for—

“The mail’s here.”

Lea groaned into Isa’s mouth, a decidedly unhappy sound. Roxas cackled—_actually cackled!_—as he walked past them and into the kitchen. Four-post bed or no, Lea could not _wait_ until he and Isa had their own room.

As if he read Lea’s mind, Isa whispered, “Two weeks.” His lips brushed against Lea’s as he spoke. _Two weeks, fine_. He could manage. Lea gave Isa a final peck before throwing his blankets off and rolling out of the sofa-bed. However, as he grabbed some clothes from the closet, Lea felt Isa’s warm arms around him once more. “I almost forgot,” Isa said, lips pressed to Lea’s shoulder in a gentle kiss. “Good morning, Axel.”

Looking coyly over his shoulder, Axel grinned, eyes twinkling mischievously. “You’re gettin’ pretty good with that,” he said, drawing Isa in for another all-too-brief kiss.

By the time Axel had showered, dressed, and applied his purple teardrops, both Isa and Xion had joined Roxas in the kitchen. Axel had heard the loud _tick-tick-tickety-tap_ of Xion’s dancing shoes from the bathroom, her rhythmic tapping pausing only long enough for her to call out a cheerful, “Hi Axel!”

Judging from how rigidly Isa held himself as the tapping resumed, Axel guessed Xion had more-or-less tapped her way down the stairs and had been at it ever since. Extracurricular activities were all part of their ‘normal routine’ plan, however while Axel happily encouraged Xion’s love for all things ‘dance,’ even _he_ had to admit the tap dancing phase had dragged on a bit too long. The redhead gave it one week, maybe two before Xion’s shoes would start to mysteriously vanish for ever-longer periods of time until disappearing altogether in Isa’s trademark passive-aggressive style.

“Mind if we put the dance recital on hold ‘til I’ve had some coffee?” Axel asked. Isa’s shoulders relaxed, and Axel upped his inner timetable to three days _or less_ before the disappearing act would begin. “We don’t want any more complaints from the neighbors now, do we?”

“We don’t _have_ any neighbors,” Xion said, rolling her eyes like the dramatic teenager she’d grown into being, but nonetheless she stopped. Axel grinned at her in thanks, before helping himself to a generous cup of coffee.

“Those papers you wanted are here,” Roxas said as he frowned at a worksheet of some sort. Axel guessed it was due sometime before the blonde’s lunch period, otherwise _that’s_ when he would be working on it. He’d asked Riku how Sora was—no chance he’d use the past tense, _got it memorized?_—as a student during one of their many trips to the Land of Departure. Despite all their differences, it seemed Roxas _had_ gotten his habit of leaving any and all homework until the last minute from his Other.

(Lea _tried_ to instill good study habits, but no amount of cajoling or extolling the benefits of skipping grades had worked. Isa merely laughed at his efforts and told him there were some battles he could not win. Lea wondered if Isa might be a bad influence after all, given his youthful penchant for daydreaming in school...)

Axel shook himself out of his own wandering thoughts and excitedly reached for the weighty brown envelope. The package was brimming with official-looking documents. “Congratulations, Isa,” Axel joked, holding up one of the forms. “We’re taxpayers.”

“I’m sure the neighbors will be thrilled,” Isa replied. Despite his deadpan tone, Axel could tell that he was smiling. Careful to avoid spilling coffee on the paperwork, Axel sifted through the pile until he found his own certification. By then, Isa had turned off the stove and slid a plate of spicy rice and eggs in front of him.

If asked, Axel would’ve denied the tears that formed as he scanned the document. He felt Isa press a reassuring kiss to his temple. “_Your request has been processed and approved,_” Isa read over Axel’s shoulder. “_Please update your records to reflect your new legal name, as follows._”

The letter crinkled in Axel’s hand as his fists bunched with excitement. “It’s official: I have a middle name.”

Isa stood, taking the form with him so that Axel didn’t get it wet with his tears. “Lea Axel,” he said. “Sounds alright, if a bit over-the-top.” Despite himself, Isa was smiling. Axel sniffled, grinning madly through his tears.

Across the table, Roxas huffed. “You still haven’t said what your _last_ name is,” he complained. The existence of middle names had been a revelation to the former Nobody, even though neither Isa nor Lea (until now) possessed one. When Roxas and Xion learned about surnames, they’d begged the pair to tell them theirs. While Isa had, Lea’d withheld his.

“Hey! I’m not about to tell you _all_ my dark secrets. Besides,” Axel added, “my guess is _that’s_ about to change soon, too.” He winked at Isa, who blushed before turning back to the stove to fix his own plate.

Once Roxas and Xion had finished the dishes and tidying their rooms—Aqua insisted chores were an important part of any routine, much to the teens’ dismay—the pair headed off to school, leaving Axel and Isa to prepare for their respective days.

“What’s on your agenda?” Axel asked, shamelessly oogling Isa as his lover, freshly-showered and clad only in a towel, picked out an outfit. “I’m feelin’ a bit restless, myself. Might head out to the mansion, what do you think?”

Lea hadn’t asked, but if he had to guess _‘heading to the mansion’_ was one of his ‘Axel’ tells Isa had picked up on. The heady rush of battle felt so much more satisfying and real whenever he was feeling more like Axel, and clearing out the Heartless that had infested the woods outside of Twilight Town was a good excuse to get into a brawl. Certainly, there was no shortage of Heartless. Despite his, Roxas, and Xion’s combined efforts, more and more Heartless were appearing everyday. They were the perfect fodder for Lea’s training, sure, but Yen Sid suspected a, quote, _far more sinister explanation for their appearance. _(Even after all these months, the ancient wizard still gave Axel chills.)

“I wouldn’t mind it if you finally settled on which room you want,” Isa replied, voice muffled as he pulled an undershirt on. “Terra and I will be there after lunch. It seems Ventus located a cache of synthesis crystals on one of his… training missions.” At Isa’s pause, Axel schooled his expression into casual nonchalance. Master Yen Sid had insisted that all of the Guardians and their allies attain Mastery, however while Lea, Roxas, and Xion were leading ‘normal’ lives, Terra, Ventus, and Kairi went on mission after mission to discover whatever they could about where Sora had disappeared off to. Axel wouldn’t trade these months with his, _his family_ for anything, but being sidelined brought back uncomfortable memories of the Organization.

“Two weeks,” he whispered, mostly to himself, but Isa heard him nevertheless. He paused in buttoning up his overshirt to rest his hands on Axel’s tense shoulders.

“Two weeks,” Isa repeated, just as quietly. “We’ll go together.”

Axel nodded, his hands instinctively drawn to Isa’s hips. He held his lover close. “Think you’ll be done by then?” he asked. “I don’t want you to rush just ‘cause I’m antsy.”

“Both Terra and I think these materials are all that’s needed,” Isa replied. “You’re not alone in feeling cooped-up. If for no other reason, I’m looking forward to visiting different worlds.” A breath, then, “Saïx so rarely left the Castle.”

Despite his sad tone, it warmed Axel to know that Isa felt as he did. They’d made a lot of progress with communication since their unexpected stay at the Castle That Never Was all those months ago. Things weren’t perfect—when Isa found out that Axel had struck up a friendship-of-sorts with Reno, the same shady figure who explicitly asked for a threesome in exchange for forging their legal documents, he’d berserked before hastily packing a bag and staying with Terra and Aqua for three days. (Suffice it to say, Lea had gotten _very good_ at apologizing.) But they were getting better, more and more as time went on.

“Can’t wait,” Axel said, fingers playing along the rough fabric circling Isa’s hips. “For _that_, and, you know—” Axel smirked as he loosened Isa’s towel. “I wanna see it.” The towel dropped to the floor, and Axel stole a peek before looking up at his lover through his lashes. Isa was blushing.

“You’re not as witty as you like to think you are,” Isa said, stepping back to pull on undergarments and pants. “You’ll see it when it’s ready, and not a moment before.”

While Aqua helped Lea, Roxas, and Xion prepare for their Mark of Mastery exams, Terra and Isa had been working together on a side project. Axel hadn’t known it, but Isa had berserked after their fight at the party all those months ago. Terra and Aqua had snapped him out of it, but Terra had been pretty upset by the entire episode. Unlike the rest of the former Nobodies, Terra hadn’t kept most of Xemnas’s memories—those belonged to Xehanort—but he did remember some details, one being how the Superior controlled Saïx through his berserker rage. Wanting to atone, Terra had offered to help Isa forge a new weapon to help him channel the wild magic he’d inherited from Saïx. Lea was _desperate_ to see it, but Isa held firm: no one, not even Terra, could see it until he’d finished it.

A knock at the door interrupted their playful bickering, and Axel left Isa to finish getting ready. “You know, it’s not my birthday for another month,” Axel joked as he let Terra inside, eyeing the heavy-looking bag the younger man had slung over his shoulder.

Terra laughed, then replied, “Good to know. There’s plenty more where this came from.” After a few minutes of polite chit-chat, Isa joined them and soon, he and Terra were enmeshed in a highly-technical back-and-forth about _this stone_ versus _that shard_ and whatever else Ventus had found. Taking that as his cue to leave, Axel gave Isa an exaggerated kiss that left him flushed and stammering before heading out into the woods behind their house. Soon, he was on the path towards the Old Mansion, the faint skittering and chirring of Shadow and Powerwild Heartless off in the distance. Axel paused, did some quick stretching, then summoned Flame Liberator before charging ahead.

Once, a dozen Heartless would have made Axel… not _nervous_ (in his pre-heart days, at least), but at the very least cautious. Now, on the cusp of taking his Mark of Mastery, Axel effortlessly cut down the Heartless with an event split of keyblade attacks and magic, including a whirling combination of wind and flame that was a far cry from the wimpy Aero he’d used against Roxas months earlier. By the time Axel landed, all that remained of the Heartless were wisps of fading darkness. Fire would always be his go-to, but Axel had to admit that expanding his base spells had made him a much more well-rounded combatant. Even Isa said so, on the occasions when they found time to train and spar together.

Memories of the last time they’d fought—_really fought_—together flashed in his mind, and Axel grinned at the memory of Isa oh-so-casually throwing his assailants _through_ a brick wall. He could hardly wait to fight beside Isa again. Together, just like it always should have been.

“First things first,” Axel said to himself, wiping sweat off his forehead as he soldiered on up the path. He cleared a couple more nests before finding himself at the mansion’s iron gates. After sending Isa a quick message to let him know he made it without incident, Axel let himself into the dim and dusty estate. The foyer was stacked with boxes, towers which leaned a bit _too much_ for Axel’s taste. With a quick flick of his wrist and another Aero, he settled a few of the most precarious on the ground before heading towards the dining room, and from there to the living quarters on the second floor.

Moving to the Old Mansion wasn’t _anyone’s_ first choice; Xion, Axel, and especially Roxas all had terrible memories associated with the place. However, as a gateway between worlds the mansion was too important to go unguarded. The manor was also teeming with secrets, including one that had grabbed both Lea and Isa’s attention: the mansion was the last known place where X was held, and there was bound to be some clues hidden in the library or the computers below. Moreover, they wouldn’t be alone; Ienzo, Aeleus, and _Demyx_ of all people planned to spend several months there on some sort of top secret project. Something to do with Demyx’s memories, not that Lea had even known Demyx was still around and in some sort of weird coma until suddenly _he wasn’t_ but… in any case, sooner or later their vacation had to come to an end.

Axel couldn’t say he wasn’t looking forward to it.

The redhead let his fingers drag across the faded brass doorknobs of each closed door as he slowly made his way towards the east suite. Isa’d put Lea in charge of choosing their room, and while the far quarters had the worst view of all the bedrooms—east being a fairly humdrum direction in a land of endless sunset—Axel was near-certain he wanted them there. After months of sleeping in the shared living space, as well as a decade under constant surveillance in the Organization, Lea wanted nothing more than to have some _privacy_ with Isa.

The air was musty and clogged with dust, so Axel pried open the rooms’ massive windows before casting another Aero to help clear the space. (He was getting pretty good at that.) He repeated the process in the bedroom, and then sent Isa a picture with the caption, _plenty of room for a four-post bed, don’t you think?_

His response was near-immediate. _I refuse to share my living space with dust bunnies of monstrous proportions. _Axel laughed, and set aside his gummiphone to get some cleaning done, only taking breaks to hassle some nearby Heartless or to update his journal.

Despite his initial enthusiasm, writing down his innermost thoughts and insecurities had been hard at first, especially on his ‘Axel’ days. Oddly, Lea was comforted by the knowledge that Isa read them from time to time; he felt less pressure to _talk_ about what was on his mind while still communicating with his lover. Sometimes Isa even wrote his own responses or tangents. Like everything _them_, it wasn’t perfect, but it worked well enough for now.

_Got my new name today_, Axel wrote underneath Isa’s most recent rambling (which was a plan to get him to eat more protein, of all things). _It’s strange that so much of the old life has made its way into the new one. Sunsets on the clock tower with Roxas and Xion. Fighting Heartless. The mansion, not to mention living under the same roof as so many old Organization members. Now, my name. But it also feels right. Almost like we’re taking the past back for ourselves and making it into something better._

Lost in his thoughts, Axel didn’t hear Isa enter the suite; he yelped in surprise when he felt his boyfriend’s fingers card through his hair. “Sorry,” Isa murmured as Axel glared up at him, heart racing. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Hmph.” Isa pulled Axel to his feet, eyeing the dirt that practically covered him head-to-toe warily. “I thought you were scared of dust bunnies?”

“I am,” Isa replied, his hand resting gently on Axel’s upper arm. “You will need to defend me should they attack.” Axel opened his mouth to remind Isa that on _some_ worlds bunnies (dust or otherwise) did present a very real threat, but Isa cut him off. “May I ask what had you so distracted?”

Axel shrugged as he reached for Isa’s waist, holding him close. “Lots of stuff,” he said. “Movin’ and cleaning out this pigsty. How much I’m looking forward to getting out of here, you know, traveling around with you.” The pair shared a fond smile. “And I guess, the future. Names, too. Guess I’ve got a lot goin’ on up here, huh?” he asked, tapping his temple.

“I’m shocked.” Isa smirked, then yelled as Axel lightly pinched his side. “None of that,” Isa chided him. “I actually _did_ find you for a reason.” Suddenly, Isa looked nervous. Axel brought his other hand up to frame his face. Their eyes met, and Axel couldn’t help the happy grin that stole across his features.

“Would you like to visit Radiant Garden with me this weekend? I’ve been in contact with the Restoration Committee, and they informed me that the outlying villages have been rebuilt. Aeleus recommended a bed and breakfast that overlooks one of the lakes.”

Axel cocked an eyebrow. “That sounds great, but won’t Roxas and Xion be bored?”

“I asked Terra if he, Aqua, and Ventus wouldn’t mind staying with them while we are away,” Isa said. “This is me being spontaneous.” Perhaps, but Isa’s blush suggested there was more to it than that.

“Well, I’m intrigued,” Axel replied. “Besides, we gotta celebrate my new name!”

Isa’s blush deepened, and Axel felt a _Lea-esque_ rush of giddiness swell within him. “About that,” Isa said, wrapping his other arm around Axel’s shoulder so that they were fully pressed together. “Pack one of your nicer outfits.”

“Tellin’ me what to bring, huh?” Axel teased, brushing a lock of Isa’s hair back with his thumb. “That’s not very spontaneous.”

“It is if I say it is.” Isa smiled at Lea, looking utterly in love. With a soft moan, Axel let Isa pull him into a deep kiss. In that moment, they didn’t need words. Their hearts spoke together. As one.

_Forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Thank you to everyone who’s read, commented, liked, or otherwise supported me as I’ve written this story! Your enthusiasm and responses not only encouraged me to keep working, but to also improve and/or clarify parts as I went along. (Not too shabby for what was supposed to be a porntastic one-shot, right?)
> 
> This is the longest fanfic I have ever written, and there are lots and lots of details I wanted to include but couldn’t fit into the main plot for a variety of reasons. **I have a [Curious Cat account, @radovanryn](https://curiouscat.me/radovanryn), and I’d love to answer any lingering questions you might have.** (I am also planning to write a smutty AU side piece for this story, which I hope to post in early 2020.)
> 
> As always, I’d love to know your thoughts—please leave a comment or kudos! You can also follow me [@radovanryn on Twitter](https://twitter.com/radovanryn), where I post exclusive ficlets and other content (e.g. previews, snippets, and RTs of Lea/Axel being gorgeous.)
> 
> Again, thank you for reading. Wishing you all a Happy New Year!


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